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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@2011panc, My college English teacher, Mr.Harriman, great guy, but he once wrote on one of my papers...Mark how can you be so obtuse? Big red letters too. Still have that paper.
You wrote something that I really appreciate and wish I hadn't read past that. I'm sitting here now about 11:00 and getting ready to hit the sack.
"I have had you continually in my prayers..." No one in my life said something like that to me and I really don't know what to say but thanks. I think that's the end for tonight except to say that today has been one of my betters days. Hoping you are doing well, also that you have some great relief from your pain. So I'll say a prayer for you.
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3 Reactions@muppey and @2011panc
The growth of friendships, support and kindness are amazing at Connect. Thank you both for being a part of it!
Teresa
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1 ReactionI'm not sure why I keep getting all of these emails. Could you please remove me from the list? I have tried but I continue to get them.
Thank you
MH
Hi -- yes, you may unsubscribe when you receive any email notification a member has posted. Under "View and Reply" and the name of the discussion, you will find "Unsubscribe to this thread." Click on that, and you should be unsubscribed to the thread.
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1 ReactionI don't see the unsubscribe thread
@jimhd I hope I don't have to have that convo with my psych. You are absolutely right about the whole church being unrighteous and I guess that is why those who are filled with self-righteousness are so frustrating, but that is just one more thing for me to work on. I can't remember where I wrote it, but I have a book titled "Religiously transmitted diseases". It is not a page turner and I have not gotten all the way through it, but universally, going back to the crusades, and likely farther, there have been many wrongs committed in the name of religion, but even so...I believe your statement about the church being a source for good that is greater than the bad is definitely correct. I certainly hope so. I wish we could get together in Rochester and talk theology, but that is just too far for me to venture from home.
Blessings, Gary
Thanks for your post. A linking object is one that sparks memories and provides a measure of comfort. This definition applies to objects, not people.
Hi merpreb, In the footer of the email notification you’ll see the sentence “Unsubscribe to this thread.”
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1 Reaction@IndianaScott
There are so many grief triggers. One for me is the loss of my vocation. I know that many people feel lost when they retire, but I had to retire 10+ years sooner than I expected, and it happened when I was in a very bad place mentally and emotionally. I have been affected more by that loss than the deaths of my parents and a younger sister.
Some things stick with us for the rest of our lives. I'm grateful for the people who have helped me find the strength to move forward. The way I think of it is that my moving forward is a track that runs parallel to the track of things like loss, past trauma or damaged relationships. Those things will possibly be close by, but I'm not having to carry them around all the time, like rocks in my backpack. Or as Dr. Seuss put it, rocks in my socks. (I think it was the good doctor who wrote that.)
Jim
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4 Reactions@muppey Thank you for your responses. I appreciate your sharing and your prayer for me. I am aware that I "write hard" and my head-on approach to so many things overwhelms most people. You and I both know how it feels to share an intimate feeling in confidence and be betrayed later and/or have that bit of information transposed into something completely different than what it was. You and I are both caring helpers with no strings; which makes us great caregivers. Do you remember The Gong Show? There was a character called The Unknown Comic that wore a paper bag over his head while delivering puns. We can call ourselves The Unknown Wingmen. lol Blessings