Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience – everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the “work of grief.” It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I’d like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@muppey I apologize for not responding to this post sooner. Yesterday was not a good day for me and I did not do much on the computer. Today is better and I am so happy I was able to get a haircut, do some shopping and take a long walk at the warehouse store. I am recovering from back surgery and right now walking is the only exercise I am cleared to do. I was really in bad shape physically before the surgery, so I have a long way to go. I am looking forward to restarting physical rehab, hopefully next month. Before the surgery I had to use a wheelchair for shop and still had pain. SO glad to bid that pain farewell! My initial walking goal was 500 steps a day. Not much but still a reach for me at that time. This morning I took 800 steps at the store with no pain. What a relief and good feeling.
Saw one of my hateful family members at the store. On the way home I asked my husband if he had seen her, but he had not. I commented that she always looks so mad and that must be a sad life. He surprised me when he said that I don't look very happy when I shop either. Good to know! I told him it is probably because I am concentrating so hard. I told him I always smile at the children. Like you, I love children. Also, 24 hour pain for over a year doesn't make for good facial expressions either.
You asked for my help with Mezi. I am not exactly sure what help you need, but if it is that you are uncomfortable befriending her because she is a younger, cute female, I say that is a limitation you are putting on yourself. I have had several very close male friends during my lifetime. I know many people misjudge male/female friendships and often assume "something more" is going on. As far as her letting you know that she is available to talk after her son goes down for the night, I think she is just letting you know that is would like to talk more with you without being interrupted by her son or having to hold back on certain topics because he might overhear. Nothing more than that. It certainly takes care of the possibility of people's misconceptions about your relationship with her. With that in mind, when you do meet it is good to meet in public areas so that people can clearly see that you are just friends. I say this because some people tried to start a rumor about me having an affair with one of my male friends. He was so mad when he found out that he stood up at the next community meeting and addressed it by saying that anyone who had questions about our relationship should talk directly to either of us or my husband. We are all friends so they should "get their minds out of the gutter" just because they cannot handle befriending certain people.
Like you, I like to help people and just do whatever I can when I see a place that I can help. Also like you, I do not keep a tally and have often been confronted with questions like, "when did you ever do anything for me"? My standard response is that I don't keep track, it is not a contest, it just is what I do. Why do some people always try to make things a contest? Those people tire me.
I hope you have nice plans for Easter Sunday. We are invited to my sister-in-laws for dinner. Since it is April 1st I plan to call her just before we arrive and tell her that we are not coming. I love pulling April Fool's pranks. I feel a little guilty about not spending the day with my mother, but hopefully we can go see her Saturday to make up for not seeing her on Sunday. It has been over a month since I was able to see her and I know she looks forward to my visits and worries about my health.
Thank you for befriending me. It means more to me than I think you know. Blessings.

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@georgette12

This grief thing is hell. There is no way to put it. I am terribly sorry for your loss punkinpie. My grief therapist reminds me that the first year we are usually in shock. The second year and thereafter we are often feeling some tough feelings. It is important to monitor who you allow yourself to be around. I lost a friend i had known for 40 years because she would not “allow” me to mourn my son.

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@amberpep I can relate to your feelings about your dad not knowing you. My mother has dementia (they don't call it Alzheimer's) and I have tried to prepare myself for the day she does not know me. Her dementia has progressed very slowly and I am hopeful that she will pass before she no longer knows me. That is selfish on my part, I know, but I look for whatever comfort I can. Of greater concern for my mother is her arthritis and osteoporosis. Her entire skeletal system is heavily involved and she lives every day in varying degrees of pain. I know when it is a really bad day when she uses her wheelchair. She sees that as giving in and giving up. Thankfully we have been able to convince her that safety is better than risking a fall when she has a bad day. When she does pass I know I will have the same mixed feelings I had when my father died. I was relieved that he not longer was in pain but missed him not being available to me. Not that I lean on either of them heavily for support, but just knowing that I could see or talk to him every day was a comfort.

I also relate to your questionable lack of grief for your mother. One of my siblings tortured and abused me when I was a child and I cannot honestly say that I was sad when he died or that I have ever missed him. Sometimes I feel a little guilt about that. I have to leave that one in God's hand. He knows everything already and I trust Him.

You remain in my prayers for peace and comfort during this transitional time in your life. Blessings to you.

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@jimhd

A few pictures of my perennial/vegetable garden area.

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Sounds like some fun work you put into your place. The age old water problem! The only roses that grow around here are wild rose and it's nuts getting rid of it. Some brush killer will take out small roses but when they get big seems they don't die.
How you doing otherwise?

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@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@2011panc, I sure hope your back surgery goes well. Back pain is awful stuff. Once in a while my lower back goes out somewhere, it never tells me until the pain sets in. You have a step counter? I'd never finish the count.
I have one sour puss in town, I did some work for them and returned some decking which I'd purchased but they wanted the money. It don't work that way honey. I'd go broke giving my money away??? Anyway her husband is a big ol' retired Marine and I was at the local little store gas station food etc. I saw the guy coming to the door as I was leaving. I put out my hand to shake his hand and he pulled his hand back and called me a "a blankety THIEF." There were about 20-30 guys outside drinking coffee and they all moved away from the two of us. Dang but that guy was a biggy. I just told him it was not his material and he just got madder and I left. Latter gave him the contractors Lic. Board number and told him to tell them his sorrows. They agreed with me.
Just another stupid going on. It doesn't do your reputation any good when someone let's the whole crowd that I am a thief. Darn lying stuff…This town has a population of 2300. Gossip goes fast like a jet plane.

Panc, Mezi came by the other morn with her toddler son and a breakfast sandwich for me. We talked for about two hours before she had to get to work.

Not doing anything on Easter. It'll take care of itself. Not supposed to drive anyway, I do but I could get in trouble for doing that.

Maybe I'll play John Denver's song, "Some days are Diamonds Some days are Stone…" It's a sad song but I like John. Lived in Half Moon Bay when he chose to dive his plane just off the shore.
Just reached for a Cigar and there aren't any…
Enough for the moment
Take Care.
Mark

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@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@muppey I only know about seizures from taking care of my youngest. He was born with brain damage affecting the emotional management of his brain. he started having seizures when he was about 6 months old. At the time they called them grand mal seizures, meaning that he lost consciousness and lost complete control of his entire body. I always thought that he knew I was there because when I touched him and talked to him the seizure seem to lessen some. He never came out on his own, I always took him to the ER and they would give him a shot of something, I don't remember what it was but it stopped the seizure. After a while I realized that with every seizure he lost knowledge and progress. He had to "relearn" things that he had been able to do before the seizure. Following the ambulance 100 miles to the nearest town with a neonatal pediatrician I remember praying. I started out asking God to keep him alive at least until I got there. Then I realized I wasn't sure that I wanted to hold him and watch him pass on. I ended up amending my prayer for God to take him or not, whatever He needed to do, but if he wasn't going to take him home He should give him enough healing to be able to live in comfort and not have to miss so much of life by spending so much time with seizures or in the hospital. That is the first prayer that I became aware that God not only listened to all our prayers but answered them also. My son is now in his 30s and has been mostly seizure-free since he was 7. It took a while to get the right medication and the dose kept changing during his growing years, but he is doing wonderfully well.

I also had a friend in high school that had seizures and was so elated when he had been seizure free long enough to get his driver's license. He drove everywhere and any time he could.

The closest I can come to that experience is passing out, having a bad hypoglycemic episode or coming out of anesthesia and having people tell me things I did or said but having no memory of it. I passed out at Wal-Mart once and remember the paramedic trying to get me to eat a glucouse tablet but I couldn't control my jaw to manage that. Next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital room with the nurse asking me if I knew where I was. I guessed I was in an ER somewhere but didn't recognize the room and thought they might have taken me to another town. They quickly set me straight on that. The paramedic had stuck around and came in to check on me before leaving the hospital. That was so nice. She was a teen that I had chaperoned and tutored when she was in high school.

I was completely worn out after every episode and my son seemed to be just as worn out after a seizure, so that is as close as I can relate. I can relate much more to losing my independence and ability to jump in the car and go wherever and whenever I wanted. Most days it didn't bother me much but there were a few days when I felt up to taking myself somewhere but was not sure I could get myself back. I am sure glad those days are in the rearview mirror. Even though I am not driving until I get off these opioids I am currently taking I'm okay with that. I'm down to 1 a day most days and just about ready to stop completely. I'll try again in a few days.

No cigar. Boo Hoo. You know I'm not sorry for you. lol Seriously, I hope you make it no matter how many times you have to quit. Blessings.

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@littleonefmohio

Panic attacks are awful. I had a particularly bad one Tuesday night. I finally got up and went to the family room to the recliner for the rest of the night. If I'd known how bad it was going to be and how long it was going to last, I'd have taken a second Klonopin. I was sure I was dying.

Jim

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@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@2011panc, BOO HOO to you too! "More than anything else, I'm sorry for myself…living without you!' John Dnever.

The seizure thing is fairly recent for me, around 2011 had my first one at a stupid college graduation banquet in the school cafeteria. Wanted to head out to Shasta County for my sons wedding but my stepsons wife wanted to go to the banquet. this was down in Alameda County on the SF Bay, and a five hour drive to Shasta. Couldn't do it. Anyway the place was so noisy and everyone was talking some foreign language and I wanted to tell them to shut up. Then I went outside saw Mary and told her I needed some air, there she blows. Hospital time in the middle of a party. Hope I didn't ruin it for them.

Last one I remember talking to the docs which was funny because I couldn't remember who the president was and that bugged me so I stayed the doc until I could pull my brain together and get 'President Trump' out.
I remember the VA check in nurse was asking my brother Steve all these sorts of questions so I told her he wasn't a drunk, (he looked like one). I told her there is something wrong inside his head. Bummed me out when the docs took me into a room and explained the problem. Large tumor on the left front side. Got it fixed and he lived for another two years. He did have some powerful seizures long before that but the docs at Peninsula Hospital in Burlingame, my home town, dismissed them as not much. Oh well!

"You know I'm not sorry for you" …see second sentence above.

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@georgette12

This grief thing is hell. There is no way to put it. I am terribly sorry for your loss punkinpie. My grief therapist reminds me that the first year we are usually in shock. The second year and thereafter we are often feeling some tough feelings. It is important to monitor who you allow yourself to be around. I lost a friend i had known for 40 years because she would not “allow” me to mourn my son.

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I am sorry for all that you are going through. My dad developed dementia. When I went to the neurologist with him, the doctor said it was different than Alzheimer's. If it is of any comfort to you, my dad never got to the point of not knowing people. For him, it was more forgetting to do something or where something was, etc. For example, he turned on the stove then went into his den to watch TV. He never put a pot on the stove nor did he cook anything. Yes, this was very dangerous, but thankfully the woman who cared for him saw the stove was on when she was going into his apartment.
As for the pain your mom is going through, I understand how she is feeling. I suffer from chronic pain and I, too, feel like I am giving in when I spend the day in my chair or take an electric scooters in the store. It is certainly an unreasonable way to feel, but I do, and I bet your mom feels the same way.
I also understand your feelings about how you will feel when your mother passes. It is NOT selfish to want her to remain with you. This is your mother. My mother died from cancer. I adored her and NEVER wanted her to leave me. I knew at the end, it was the best thing. I certainly did not want her to suffer, but I didn't want her to go, either. I didn't know if I would survive. I did, but not without any impact to my mental health. It's been almost 30 years and still miss her all the time, but I know she is in a better place.
The life and death of people we love is scary and sad. We want them to be with us forever, but realistically, we know that can't happen. So we need to enjoy our loved ones while they are with us.

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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@jimhd Hi Jim. Yes they are awful. I am sorry you are going through them. You would think I would remember that I get those stupid things everytime I try and quit smoking but I don't until it happens. I guess I am concentrating on other too much to think about it. Have a good day.

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@georgette12

This grief thing is hell. There is no way to put it. I am terribly sorry for your loss punkinpie. My grief therapist reminds me that the first year we are usually in shock. The second year and thereafter we are often feeling some tough feelings. It is important to monitor who you allow yourself to be around. I lost a friend i had known for 40 years because she would not “allow” me to mourn my son.

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@grandmar

I do appreciate your post above. You express many of the ambivalent feelings that go with losing a loved one when you said, "I adored her and NEVER wanted her to leave me. I knew at the end, it was the best thing."

Thank you for articulating this part of the grief process!

Teresa

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@muppey

@kdawn32, You said, "I could use prayers…" I did and will. I've mentioned on this thread that sometimes, seems all the time, I upset people and find myself wondering what did I do this time. I also used to tell my wife that I'm not that strong, but I believe that in due time I'll get that strength, happened before and it'll happen again.

Grief in your case will last a long time and I know that. If you think I was dismissing your grief or anyone's grief I apologize a lot. I am happy and sad at the same time because a real live person decided to visit me. Sorry for myself, (sounds like John Denver's song) for losing my wife, but as another person said here, "you can't control other people."

When Mezi was here I started using my first wife's name, Paula, instead of my current x wife's name which is Mary. Caught myself after a time or two. Where'd that come from?
Little Mezi was putting up a strong front when I met her at the store. Then she came by my place and started talking and I knew she was hurting. She made a statement "Maybe he just doesn't like me!" I told her that she is very likeable, and she said "Really!" Yes Mezi.

Kim, you can go to the county and get a copy of your Dad's will. I did that many years ago. Can't remember if there is a copy fee or not. I think it's the county clerk, but if not they will direct you. Snooping and or removing documents is another disturbing thing which I don't appreciate.

This morning I hesitated in going to a site which delivers a daily brief for people. This is part of what the man wrote…"Have you felt deserted by God? Is your heartache more than you can bear? We may feel that God has dealt harshly with us, that He has allowed more than we can bear to come upon us. Life brings pain and discouragement to us all.
Cheer up! Rejoice!..(then) Let your heartache be eased by His outstretched arm of compassion."

That outstretched arm comes from other people if you and I keep our eyes open. It really doesn't matter if you are Christian or not. I've watched videos on tv where people have done incredible feats of kindness and courage as they risk their lives to save a person trapped by raging floods, burning cars and other stuff. No one asked them dumb questions as to their belief's, they saw a need and did it. It's a human thing.

The people here are great and I appreciate them because they allowed me to "vent my spleen" which is very cathartic for me, you, and everyone here.

Part of being strong for me is deciding I am, with help, but right now I feel very week physically, but I'm trying to get up. Like you said everyone is different. May be that you are all alone and that can be a problem but, what can I say. I told my therapist that I'm not interested in suicide. I want to get my strength back. I always go to long. May be that I am faking it!
I pray for you!
Mark

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Mark, @muppey thank you for your prayers. FYI I didn't not think you where being dismissive at all. I truly appreciate your insights and those everyone on this board. Not everyone understands grief. We all maybe in different places with it, but we have some understanding and can help each other understand what we are feeling. You are so right that "The people here are great and I appreciate them because they allowed me to "vent my spleen" which is very cathartic for me, you, and everyone here." I include you in that also.
Kim

Liked by muppey

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@jimhd

A few pictures of my perennial/vegetable garden area.

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@jimhd I love the photo of the columbine!

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@muppey

Over the years I've lost my grandmother, father, mother, and two brothers. Feb 1, 2018 my wife of 22 years disappeared from my life, she never returned from the beauty shop, the pain of being ghosted is incredible, I wound up in the hospital due to that where I went unconscious for 5-6 hours. The ER literally kicked me into the waiting room, maybe they thought I was ok but I didn't because I knew I was going under but they wouldn't listen. Just get him out of here. This took place sometime after 1:30 am. Time is messed up but my brother had just walked in the room and I had moved away from a little girl who sat by me because I didn't want her to get hurt…then I blacked out and woke up at 12:30, 5-6 hours unconscious.
I was well aware that my family members were dying. Brother Stephen lived in the Sierras and I was 150 miles away when I decided to go get him as I knew something was very wrong. I drove up there then back down to the Palo Alto, CA, VA hospital. They thought he was just a drunk but I told them he drinks a lot of coffer and sometimes a beer or two. I'm an AA alcoholic so I know some about that. Anyway turned out he had a large tumor on his brain which the doctors at Stanford Medical removed. Stephen lived another 2 years. Right before that my brother John died at home due to some in operable stomach thing. Doctors at UC Davis, CA, could not tell us what the problem was.
There is lots more but losing your wife and she's still living far away is something no person should go through. Does she just hate me? I know death but when it happens over a course of time and you're prepared for it it's not as bad as this.
When I knew Stephen was dying I did the same thing, drove up to the mountains and brought him back to the VA Hospital where the Doctors told me he was dying. They were good to him and placed him in a home in Palo Alto where he died within a few weeks. Miss him a lot. The end for now. Good to write this stuff down. Thanks!

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@muppey

I applaud you for your restraint in that matter. You saved a job and did some educating of the hospital staff. Good work!

Teresa

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@muppey

Over the years I've lost my grandmother, father, mother, and two brothers. Feb 1, 2018 my wife of 22 years disappeared from my life, she never returned from the beauty shop, the pain of being ghosted is incredible, I wound up in the hospital due to that where I went unconscious for 5-6 hours. The ER literally kicked me into the waiting room, maybe they thought I was ok but I didn't because I knew I was going under but they wouldn't listen. Just get him out of here. This took place sometime after 1:30 am. Time is messed up but my brother had just walked in the room and I had moved away from a little girl who sat by me because I didn't want her to get hurt…then I blacked out and woke up at 12:30, 5-6 hours unconscious.
I was well aware that my family members were dying. Brother Stephen lived in the Sierras and I was 150 miles away when I decided to go get him as I knew something was very wrong. I drove up there then back down to the Palo Alto, CA, VA hospital. They thought he was just a drunk but I told them he drinks a lot of coffer and sometimes a beer or two. I'm an AA alcoholic so I know some about that. Anyway turned out he had a large tumor on his brain which the doctors at Stanford Medical removed. Stephen lived another 2 years. Right before that my brother John died at home due to some in operable stomach thing. Doctors at UC Davis, CA, could not tell us what the problem was.
There is lots more but losing your wife and she's still living far away is something no person should go through. Does she just hate me? I know death but when it happens over a course of time and you're prepared for it it's not as bad as this.
When I knew Stephen was dying I did the same thing, drove up to the mountains and brought him back to the VA Hospital where the Doctors told me he was dying. They were good to him and placed him in a home in Palo Alto where he died within a few weeks. Miss him a lot. The end for now. Good to write this stuff down. Thanks!

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@hopeful33250, The only reason I did what I did is because my lady therapist at the VA told me to. When a person is all confused and the brain isn't working well it gets irritating when people try to push you around like Traci did. I've know her for twenty years and suppose she thought she was doing Mary a favor. She's a nice person and don't think she was being mean, just not thinking things over and I didn't want to give her a black eye. Small town and all…! Over the years I've never gotten mad at people like this thing caused.
I really am not a vindictive person but I do like my privacy and only share with people I trust…which seems to fail to often.

Thinking of going to an AA meeting, haven't been for a while so it might help to listen to other people or something like that. I did buy a bottle when this started and have fallen off before and don't want this to bring me down there again. I really liked my whiskey but I really like not being drunk a lot. Now I can drink water in the evening and that works for me at the moment.

The pain will fade in time but I guess I have to learn something from this, just have to keep my eyes open and my head clear.

How are you doing with all your grief? Like I told my brother, "If I could get rid of this thing on my mind I'd do it now." it's not that simple, a person can't just dismiss a heart/mind pain by saying 'it doesn't bother me'. Does she just hate me?
Lot's of grief on this site and I feel for all of them, it's not fun!
Thanks Teresa!

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@kdawn32

@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".

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@2011panc,
You said, "I was running in fear and disgust when I left." Well that's one thing which bothers me a lot. It's strange what they did and I know it was all planned. When Mary called me and left that first message I went into shock because of the things she said. "I was panicked and…you, you and you". Can't recall everything she said but it was mean. Mary said she just happened to meet her girlfriend Traci at the hair shop but I don't believe that at all. Traci was there and I'm sure it was all according to plan. Now I know Mary is a liar and that really bothers me too, how long she was lying to me is upsetting because we were still talking and I can't believe I was just played like that. Mary's first x husband was in on the plan.

The VA therapist told me to make a compliant to the hospital because, she said, that kind of information is just more ammo in her pouch.

Just boggles my mind when I think about it. I already knew that Steve was a liar as Mary had told me over the years, and at family party's and stuff I'd talk some with him and it was pretty easy to figure him out. Thought Mary still hated him so I wasn't worried about anything like that. Fooled me!
Take care!
Mark

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