~ Just dropping by: Life goes on, whether we want it to or not ~

Posted by .harp player @amberpep, Dec 28, 2018

Hi all …. I’m just dropping by to say “hi.” Lisa was kind enough to send me a note and that was a blessing. I don’t know what to say except life goes on, whether we want it to or not.
abby

Me too, hopeful.
abby

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Well, it's whiney me again …. nothing has gone right since I moved down here. Can't settle in a church that "fits." No friends …. still can't find a job – it's age, I'm sure, I only see my girls occasionally, pinch every penny to make it through the month, dislike the apt. complex I'm in – it's low-income which comes with a lot of problems, and out of the blue – the other night I was watching a program with Gretchen Carlson (I forget the name of the program), but it was about how many women have been sexually abused, and don't realize it at the time because it was way before this was ever talked about. BINGO! All of a sudden a whole new door opened up and all this garbage came flowing through my mind …. remembrances of 1971 …. it was someone I totally trusted, and being "young and dumb" didn't realize how he was "priming" me with expensive gifts, compliments," and things I can't go into. I hate living here, but whats done is done, but I sure wish I'd have never left MD.
abby

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@amberpep

Well, it's whiney me again …. nothing has gone right since I moved down here. Can't settle in a church that "fits." No friends …. still can't find a job – it's age, I'm sure, I only see my girls occasionally, pinch every penny to make it through the month, dislike the apt. complex I'm in – it's low-income which comes with a lot of problems, and out of the blue – the other night I was watching a program with Gretchen Carlson (I forget the name of the program), but it was about how many women have been sexually abused, and don't realize it at the time because it was way before this was ever talked about. BINGO! All of a sudden a whole new door opened up and all this garbage came flowing through my mind …. remembrances of 1971 …. it was someone I totally trusted, and being "young and dumb" didn't realize how he was "priming" me with expensive gifts, compliments," and things I can't go into. I hate living here, but whats done is done, but I sure wish I'd have never left MD.
abby

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Hi, @amberpep – I merged your message with this previous discussion you were having this last month so that the others you were talking with can catch up on what is happening with you currently, like @hopeful33250 @pjss48 @parus. I would also like to invite @johnbishop @lioness @gingerw @gailb to join this discussion.

I'm very sorry for the abuse you went through. That sounds very hard to have those things come flowing back.

I'm guessing you've had some memories of this situation in the '70s come to you before all of a sudden? How have you typically dealt with a rush of memories or emotions about it?

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@amberpep

Well, it's whiney me again …. nothing has gone right since I moved down here. Can't settle in a church that "fits." No friends …. still can't find a job – it's age, I'm sure, I only see my girls occasionally, pinch every penny to make it through the month, dislike the apt. complex I'm in – it's low-income which comes with a lot of problems, and out of the blue – the other night I was watching a program with Gretchen Carlson (I forget the name of the program), but it was about how many women have been sexually abused, and don't realize it at the time because it was way before this was ever talked about. BINGO! All of a sudden a whole new door opened up and all this garbage came flowing through my mind …. remembrances of 1971 …. it was someone I totally trusted, and being "young and dumb" didn't realize how he was "priming" me with expensive gifts, compliments," and things I can't go into. I hate living here, but whats done is done, but I sure wish I'd have never left MD.
abby

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Hi @amberprep, when I'm down in the dumpers I now have a "go to" site to get the positive juices flowing again. It's not a cure all but it has helped me more than once. They have a lot of short videos that help you focus on something that hopefully may be uplifting for you.
https://www.resilientoption.com/
Do you still have your Cockalier?

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@johnbishop

Hi @amberprep, when I'm down in the dumpers I now have a "go to" site to get the positive juices flowing again. It's not a cure all but it has helped me more than once. They have a lot of short videos that help you focus on something that hopefully may be uplifting for you.
https://www.resilientoption.com/
Do you still have your Cockalier?

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@johnbishop Thank you John for the uplifting share.

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@amberpep Hey there girl when those uglies come from the past it can leave one feeling so alone and afraid. I would that these attacks would not be so painful. All one can do is tough it out. Sure hoping you are okay and getting reality squared back round.

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@johnbishop

Hi @amberprep, when I'm down in the dumpers I now have a "go to" site to get the positive juices flowing again. It's not a cure all but it has helped me more than once. They have a lot of short videos that help you focus on something that hopefully may be uplifting for you.
https://www.resilientoption.com/
Do you still have your Cockalier?

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Hi John …. yes, I still have Ginger. She's adorable, but wow, she's into everything. She'll be 1 on the 25th of this month.
abby

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@amberpep

Well, it's whiney me again …. nothing has gone right since I moved down here. Can't settle in a church that "fits." No friends …. still can't find a job – it's age, I'm sure, I only see my girls occasionally, pinch every penny to make it through the month, dislike the apt. complex I'm in – it's low-income which comes with a lot of problems, and out of the blue – the other night I was watching a program with Gretchen Carlson (I forget the name of the program), but it was about how many women have been sexually abused, and don't realize it at the time because it was way before this was ever talked about. BINGO! All of a sudden a whole new door opened up and all this garbage came flowing through my mind …. remembrances of 1971 …. it was someone I totally trusted, and being "young and dumb" didn't realize how he was "priming" me with expensive gifts, compliments," and things I can't go into. I hate living here, but whats done is done, but I sure wish I'd have never left MD.
abby

Jump to this post

@amberpep I feel bad for you. I’m sort of in the same situation. I lived in some low income apartments a couple of years ago. They bring with them their own set of special problems. Now I’m living with my brother which is, to say the least, stressful! So don’t stop looking for a church! Don’t give up! Never! ……Karen

REPLY
@lisalucier

Hi, @amberpep – I merged your message with this previous discussion you were having this last month so that the others you were talking with can catch up on what is happening with you currently, like @hopeful33250 @pjss48 @parus. I would also like to invite @johnbishop @lioness @gingerw @gailb to join this discussion.

I'm very sorry for the abuse you went through. That sounds very hard to have those things come flowing back.

I'm guessing you've had some memories of this situation in the '70s come to you before all of a sudden? How have you typically dealt with a rush of memories or emotions about it?

Jump to this post

Hi Lisa ….. Well, when I was in weekly therapy, I knew about my Dad and the abuse … oddly enough, one day while in the session, I just blurted some words out about it and I was totally shocked and embarrassed. It's as if my brain opened up, the remembrance came, and out of my mouth it came! I wanted to fall through the floor, although I knew he's heard that before from others.
This time that program brought back memories of a supervisor I had back in 1971. He traveled overseas occasionally for his work, and always brought me a fancy, expensive gift …. at the time I felt a bit uncomfortable, but just thought, "he's such a nice person, and this is just his way of thanking me." Well then, one fine day, when I was about to leave PA for MD, and was 7 mo. pregnant, the incident happened. Looking back at it now, I could throw up. How stupid I was not to realize …. thinking of it even now makes my stomach churn. He's dead now. He was about 20 years older than I was and my boss. I totally had put it way in the back of my brain file, until that show and then out it came. Oh Lord, it was awful. One of the gifts he gave me was a sterling silver pin from one of the Oriental Countries, which was blue on the front and carved into it was an Asian dancer ….. I won't go into it, but nothing was hidden. One day, when I ran into it at our house, pre divorce, I found it (never thinking it was part of the priming, I just didn't think I wanted anyone to find it in my drawer, I went outside in the woods to the big root of a tree sticking up from the ground, and hammered it flat. Then I threw it in the trash. I was so very dumb, and looking back now I believe this is part of my reason for hating men … my Dad, my narcissist X, and my boss.
abby

REPLY
@lisalucier

Hi, @amberpep – I merged your message with this previous discussion you were having this last month so that the others you were talking with can catch up on what is happening with you currently, like @hopeful33250 @pjss48 @parus. I would also like to invite @johnbishop @lioness @gingerw @gailb to join this discussion.

I'm very sorry for the abuse you went through. That sounds very hard to have those things come flowing back.

I'm guessing you've had some memories of this situation in the '70s come to you before all of a sudden? How have you typically dealt with a rush of memories or emotions about it?

Jump to this post

@amberpep What was in the past is where you need to leave it to go onto your future I know it's tough when something or someone triggers all those memories but ask the Counselor,who ever that is to help you and be sincere about it I wish you luck ❤️🙏

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@karen00

@amberpep I feel bad for you. I’m sort of in the same situation. I lived in some low income apartments a couple of years ago. They bring with them their own set of special problems. Now I’m living with my brother which is, to say the least, stressful! So don’t stop looking for a church! Don’t give up! Never! ……Karen

Jump to this post

Hello @karen00

You've provided some good ideas for @amberpep! I too, hope that she doesn't give up on finding a church for support and comfort.

REPLY
@amberpep

Hi Lisa ….. Well, when I was in weekly therapy, I knew about my Dad and the abuse … oddly enough, one day while in the session, I just blurted some words out about it and I was totally shocked and embarrassed. It's as if my brain opened up, the remembrance came, and out of my mouth it came! I wanted to fall through the floor, although I knew he's heard that before from others.
This time that program brought back memories of a supervisor I had back in 1971. He traveled overseas occasionally for his work, and always brought me a fancy, expensive gift …. at the time I felt a bit uncomfortable, but just thought, "he's such a nice person, and this is just his way of thanking me." Well then, one fine day, when I was about to leave PA for MD, and was 7 mo. pregnant, the incident happened. Looking back at it now, I could throw up. How stupid I was not to realize …. thinking of it even now makes my stomach churn. He's dead now. He was about 20 years older than I was and my boss. I totally had put it way in the back of my brain file, until that show and then out it came. Oh Lord, it was awful. One of the gifts he gave me was a sterling silver pin from one of the Oriental Countries, which was blue on the front and carved into it was an Asian dancer ….. I won't go into it, but nothing was hidden. One day, when I ran into it at our house, pre divorce, I found it (never thinking it was part of the priming, I just didn't think I wanted anyone to find it in my drawer, I went outside in the woods to the big root of a tree sticking up from the ground, and hammered it flat. Then I threw it in the trash. I was so very dumb, and looking back now I believe this is part of my reason for hating men … my Dad, my narcissist X, and my boss.
abby

Jump to this post

@amberpep

You are undoubtedly on to something here, @amberpep. I suppose I don't believe that the past is the past and you can (or should) put it behind you before you have recognized and dealt with it's impact on your life now. I compare putting the past in the past as something like sweeping up the kitchen and putting all the crumbs under the kitchen table. The first time a gust of wind comes from an open door those crumbs are going to fly all over. So it is with these traumatic memories, the "gust of wind" could be a significant loss from death or divorce, a financial reversal, a major move, etc. These can bring back the memories of these traumatic experiences and make them seem like they just happened yesterday.

As you work through these memories with a therapist (and perhaps write about them in a journal) you will eventually find relief and then the "gusts of life" won't flatten you quite so much.

Will you keep in touch?

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