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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 644
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

~ Flat out at the bottom: so many bills to pay, not sleeping, worry ~

Posted by @amberpep, Apr 12, 2017

I have not been here for awhile …. I am just totally flat out at the bottom. I’m on a list to get a low-income apartment, but so far none is available, I have so many bills to pay off …. I’m getting dentures and I have a huge bill from my dentist, another big bill from my Oral Surgeon, I will soon have a bill of $6000 for a new heating A/C unit I own in Frederick – I’m renting it out and can’t sell it because I’m “under water”, and then of course the normal things like food, Rx’s, gas, electric, etc.
I have not been able to sleep for weeks worrying about this …. I just don’t have enough coming in to pay all the payments that are to go out every month. I’m in a constant state of high anxiety and am having IBS from it, plus migraines. I want to get a job, but I think I’ll try to go full time rather than part time. At 72, I didn’t expect needing a full time job, but it is what it is.
So these are the golden years, huh? Yea, right.
abby

REPLY

Hello all…i kind of end up just going through my email and hitting view and reply to whatever strikes me. I used to try to be orgainzed and do it by date or exact topic. I officially have given that up! So many posts that i want to see and reply…my new plan is to look at all my mail and what jumps out first is what i click. I know i miss a lot. I now count on the moderators to maybe move some of my stuff or let me know wherr else to post.

So i need help please. I guess some of you know my story…and i think the way this works is you can look under my name to catch up.
I never mentioned that my husband of 34 years is an alcoholic. Since i have been trying to recover from everything…i see i am not getting better. I have never used substance…but my mother was an alcoholic and my two sons and others. My children are not his…so he is not traumatied by their loss.
I finally, yesterday, told him he had to choose alcohol or me. He chose alcohol.

I’m sorry. It would be very hard to get out of a 34yr marriage, but if you are able, it would probably help you. If he doesn’t want to change, he never will. You either need to accept this or leave. Wish there was help, but I don’t know what it is. Have you been to AL anon?

@georgette12

So i need help please. I guess some of you know my story…and i think the way this works is you can look under my name to catch up.
I never mentioned that my husband of 34 years is an alcoholic. Since i have been trying to recover from everything…i see i am not getting better. I have never used substance…but my mother was an alcoholic and my two sons and others. My children are not his…so he is not traumatied by their loss.
I finally, yesterday, told him he had to choose alcohol or me. He chose alcohol.

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Oh, @georgette12, I am so sorry to hear that! What a courageous step for you to take. I will pray that you will both have peace and understanding and most of all hope! Blessings my friend. Teresa

@liz223 Alanon is a good suggestion for anyone who is dealing (or has dealt) with alcoholism in their family. Teresa

Thanks so much for advice. I have done all the usual stuff re living with an alcoholic. His mother died of alcohol poisoning at age 63. Dad at 59. He will be 62 at the end of this month. He is younger than me. I don’t have any more energy left to give him. It is still too awful with PTSD re my son’s suicide and the suicide of my youngest son’s father…by the same method.
I guess i am watching my husband kill himself in front of me…so he isn’t leaving me a choice. My son who died has a blood brother…both from my first marriage. He has been angry with me since his brother died. He is 51 and is a single father of a 18 month old baby. We have put the awful feelings aside. He is trying to find a place in his state…texas….that he can rent for all of us to live together.

So here is what i do not get….why would my husband choose to let go of a 34year relationship for booze. All the alanon stuff i know. But it still comes down to when his wife is at the lowest of lows….a person would stoop to this level.

@georgette12 I’m afraid there is not an answer to this question. When an addiction takes over someone’s life, rational thinking and logic just do not work any more. What a shame that he is making such a bad choice. You have experienced a lot of tough times, I wish you peace for the future! Teresa

@georgette12

Thanks so much for advice. I have done all the usual stuff re living with an alcoholic. His mother died of alcohol poisoning at age 63. Dad at 59. He will be 62 at the end of this month. He is younger than me. I don’t have any more energy left to give him. It is still too awful with PTSD re my son’s suicide and the suicide of my youngest son’s father…by the same method.
I guess i am watching my husband kill himself in front of me…so he isn’t leaving me a choice. My son who died has a blood brother…both from my first marriage. He has been angry with me since his brother died. He is 51 and is a single father of a 18 month old baby. We have put the awful feelings aside. He is trying to find a place in his state…texas….that he can rent for all of us to live together.

So here is what i do not get….why would my husband choose to let go of a 34year relationship for booze. All the alanon stuff i know. But it still comes down to when his wife is at the lowest of lows….a person would stoop to this level.

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Hi Georgette …. I hope you don’t mind that I’m chiming in here. My entire maternal side of my family were all alcoholics. I was an only child, raised by a “functional alcoholic” (my father) and a totally angry, hateful one (my mother). I won’t go into all the forms of abuse, but I used to spend my Fri. and Sat. night in bars with my family …. and these weren’t decent lounge type places, but the real old fashioned wooden floor, smelling like everything from stale beer to vomitus and urine. I hated being there …. it certainly was not a place anyone should be, let alone a child. Well, at age 20 I “escaped” …. at least at the time I thought so. What I didn’t know at the time was that my husband had a personality disorder ….. Narcissism. Over time, I grew to believe the things he said to me …… stupid, illogical, irrational, he always hated my hair which was short (I had 3 little kids at the time), and always “critiqued” the clothes I wore … narcissists are always right ….. and don’t cross them. Well, I won’t go into the how of it, but at 40 years of marriage, I left, moved in with a girlfriend from church, and went on to get a divorce. Eventually I got my own condo, and for the first time in my life, I felt at peace, comfortable, and safe. I cannot tell you how that felt …. it was heavenly. I also was in therapy and getting Rx from my Psychiatrist. Without their counsel I know I would not be here today.
Georgette ….. you cannot stay with an alcoholic! You are being totally abused and he seems to refuse to get any help. You are living in an untenable situation, and suppose some day in a fit of drunken rage he hit you, maybe repeatedly. It could happen, if it has not already.
Take care of yourself ….. to he_l with him ….. let him drink himself to death. My mother did – dying at age 60 of liver failure. You cannot help an addicted person if they do not sincerely want help …. and it sounds like he doesn’t.
I will pray for you ….. please keep posting ….. Teresa is a great friend, and you can do this. Leaving a long-term marriage isn’t easy ….. but, for the first time in my life I am at peace and safe.
Blessings,
abby

@georgette12

Thanks so much for advice. I have done all the usual stuff re living with an alcoholic. His mother died of alcohol poisoning at age 63. Dad at 59. He will be 62 at the end of this month. He is younger than me. I don’t have any more energy left to give him. It is still too awful with PTSD re my son’s suicide and the suicide of my youngest son’s father…by the same method.
I guess i am watching my husband kill himself in front of me…so he isn’t leaving me a choice. My son who died has a blood brother…both from my first marriage. He has been angry with me since his brother died. He is 51 and is a single father of a 18 month old baby. We have put the awful feelings aside. He is trying to find a place in his state…texas….that he can rent for all of us to live together.

So here is what i do not get….why would my husband choose to let go of a 34year relationship for booze. All the alanon stuff i know. But it still comes down to when his wife is at the lowest of lows….a person would stoop to this level.

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All “chiming in” with your comments is way way appreciated! I am counting on everyone who has experience in this stuff to help me see that i can get through…yet again…another horrible trauma. It just keeps happening. If there is a thing called karma…i must be paying off some heavy debt! I wish everything would happen all at once. It is too late for that now. But just when i think i might take a tiny step onnthe path to a tiny bit of healing..it happens again. I don’t actually think i am ever going to have a chance to find even a tiny bit of joy. I think i am now too old…73…and my alcoholic husband is turnig 62. My one son is a suicide. My youngest son is psychotic and believes in his brain that he is an alien from another galaxy and he is with a group who is here to save the planet. And since i am “human with low vibrations” he can never again see me ever. He is the son whose father killed himself when he was six years old. Oh yeah…his father was actually an alien. I, however, me, am his biological mother. His father, the alien, had to kill himself so he could return to help him save the world. So what should it bother me that i now have a husband who prefers alcohol over his marriage???

@georgette12

Thanks so much for advice. I have done all the usual stuff re living with an alcoholic. His mother died of alcohol poisoning at age 63. Dad at 59. He will be 62 at the end of this month. He is younger than me. I don’t have any more energy left to give him. It is still too awful with PTSD re my son’s suicide and the suicide of my youngest son’s father…by the same method.
I guess i am watching my husband kill himself in front of me…so he isn’t leaving me a choice. My son who died has a blood brother…both from my first marriage. He has been angry with me since his brother died. He is 51 and is a single father of a 18 month old baby. We have put the awful feelings aside. He is trying to find a place in his state…texas….that he can rent for all of us to live together.

So here is what i do not get….why would my husband choose to let go of a 34year relationship for booze. All the alanon stuff i know. But it still comes down to when his wife is at the lowest of lows….a person would stoop to this level.

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OMG georgette …. you are living a true nightmare …. you’re surrounded by a group of very, very, sick people. You absolutely MUST get out, for your own safety and sanity. Get some good recommendations from the Mental Health Assoc. for a therapist and tell them your story. They should be able to guide you to a safe house. YOU ARE NOT SAFE THERE! Get out ASAP. When I went and moved in with a girlfriend from church, I did not let my then-husband know where I was. Once I got the divorce, got my condo, it didn’t matter as much ….. I was safe. You are living with a bunch of crazies, georgette ….. truly, hon, you are. You simply have GOT to get out. I don’t care if you are 72 or 102 (I’m also 72), you can do it. I would find out where there is a safe house for women, they’re usually in every town (the Mental Health folks can help you with that), and you will be surprised at how much help they can give you, and you’ll be with women who are also dealing with horrid situations.
Please georgette …. DO IT ….. for your own sake and safety.
abby

Thank you theresa and all my fellow posters for your comments and prayers.

@georgette12

Thanks so much for advice. I have done all the usual stuff re living with an alcoholic. His mother died of alcohol poisoning at age 63. Dad at 59. He will be 62 at the end of this month. He is younger than me. I don’t have any more energy left to give him. It is still too awful with PTSD re my son’s suicide and the suicide of my youngest son’s father…by the same method.
I guess i am watching my husband kill himself in front of me…so he isn’t leaving me a choice. My son who died has a blood brother…both from my first marriage. He has been angry with me since his brother died. He is 51 and is a single father of a 18 month old baby. We have put the awful feelings aside. He is trying to find a place in his state…texas….that he can rent for all of us to live together.

So here is what i do not get….why would my husband choose to let go of a 34year relationship for booze. All the alanon stuff i know. But it still comes down to when his wife is at the lowest of lows….a person would stoop to this level.

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Amber…thank you. At the moment it is just my husband i am dealing with. My youngest son is in another part of the state and refuses to speak to me. So at the moment nobody is bothering me. I just need to work out a living situation. My middle son is fine. He is a single parent of an 18 month old boy. He would love me to live with him. I called him and he is looking around for a house to rent for us.
I am now firmly entrenched in a very extensive mental health system that has accepted me as eligible for a full range of mental health services.
I have a grief counselor and psychiatrist…and i am taking meds. So…except for my living situation in re to my husband…i am doing all i can do.
My husband is the kind of alcoholic who uses to numb himself from life. Never shows anger or raises his voice. Would never dream of hurting me in any way except to deny that i am needing emotional help. He is stuck at the emotional age of maybe 18. Immature. Just wants to waste his incredible talent. Just likes to hang out withthe guys and drink beer..watch sports….get high …just like college kids do. That’s how he is. Like a stupid big aging sheepdog sleeing on the front porch. My apologies to all sheepdogs!

Amber…a thousand thank you’s for your caring concern. Sending hugs.

Hi georgette ….. I’m glad to hear your getting help with the emotional piece of this ….. that’s wonderful and it’s a big step …. sometimes that’s the hardest step. Regarding the rest of your note ….. it sounds like you’ve decided what you’re going to do, so all we can do is be here for you, which we are ….. I want you to know that.
Blessings,
abby

@amberpep Thank you for your caring concern! Teresa

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