Yes, you're right. I do a lot of journaling. Here's another example of my inner voice telling me "you're always wrong." I went to a pine car derby yesterday as my little grandson had a car in it. I was with my daughter, sil, and the 2 kids. My X-husband came which I knew he would (he is a good grandfather), and while we get along pretty well now (it's over 10 years - we were married 40), he just looked so old to me, his hair is all white, he's got himself so thin that he's almost gaunt (that's intentional as he's not sick), and he's sort of humped over from his neck ..... he looked pathetic. Everything in me screamed "you did this, it's all your fault!". My "head" knows that's not true - I never wanted a divorce, but he gave me no choice ...... he has a personality disorder - Narcissism - and would not even begin to look at his part in our marriage problems. It was like beating my head against a brick wall. My Psychologist told me one Friday that "if you don't get out of there, I am going to have to admit you to ___________ (name of private Psychiatric Hospital) ..... you cannot keep living like this." I kept feeling that if I just tried enough, prayed enough, he'd come to his senses, but no, that never happened I left, but the final straw was when I finally convinced him to see a marriage counselor .... the Psy. asked us each to say several positive things about the other. I had no trouble with that because, even with all his narcissistic mindset, he was a good Dad, provider, worker, etc. When it came to be his turn, he sat and thought awhile and said, "she's a good Mother." The Psych. asked him, is that all? He nodded and said yes. With that, I got up, and walked out and filed for divorce the next day. It's not easy to get over 40 years of being with someone, and I probably never will, especially since I instigated the divorce. But, it is what it is, and I'll continue to survive. But, down here ...... after being uprooted from Frederick where I'd lived for 30 years, I doubt I'll ever really be happy. Just something I have to learn to deal with.
abby