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Is it time for a nursing home?

Posted by tschierk @tschierk, Apr 8, 2025

My mother is now using a wheelchair. I pulled my back today trying to transfer her from bed to chair. Our bathroom is tiny, so there’s also that awkwardness. I just don’t want to be a quitter, plus my dad, also infirm, lives here as well. The nursing home is 2 hours away. He probably could not visit her very often. (There are long wait times for homes, and this is the only one available, but it is close to the rest of the family.)

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celia16 | @celia16 | Aug 3, 2025
In reply to @jal333 "Asking the question, "is it time to...?" IMO, means you are close to reaching a decision,..." + (show)
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Asking the question, "is it time to...?" IMO, means you are close to reaching a decision, and now you need a plan to act. Over the past 40 years, I have placed my Mother, Father, Mother in Law, Sister, and lastly my husband into assisted living or care of some type. Each situation was very different and never simple. Everyday, ask yourself, what percent of your day is caregiver versus caring for yourself? At some point, is it unsafe for you and your family member to continuing being a primary caregiver? When you place a family member in care, it is not the end of a relationship, it is a new type of relationship. Quality of life for the caregiver directly effects how well you are caring for your family member. Others may say cruel or hurtful things to you, but trust your judgment and live your life to the best of your ability. I don't mean to be blythe by this comment, truly, I know the heart pain that comes with these decisions. As one of my favorite authors, Scott Peck, begins a great book, "life is difficult". It is your life to choose how to live it.

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@jal333 , very true. After caregining my cousin for 6 years, then my dad for at least that as well as my mom, while still running my own business, I’m done. Her mobility is severely affected. Plans will be made, though I’m sure AL will not be welcomed. I am entitled to a life myself and have put my life on hold for too long. My own health has been negatively impacted, too. I’ve even been told by others that since my dad’s death, my new devotion is with my mom. I don’t think they understand. I’m not an only child. Full-time care in a residential setting is needed. I have no guilt about it. I am confident it’s the best thing to do. I believe the family will support it.

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Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Aug 3, 2025
In reply to @picartist "I am the caregiver along with her daughter who comes morning, afternoon and night. We live..." + (show)
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I am the caregiver along with her daughter who comes morning, afternoon and night. We live in an upscale Life Care Community and have most likely have a five star rating. I understand the stress thing and have managed to learn to deal with the outbursts, etc. In fact, I have an 840 square two rooms reserved that will be brand new and have state-of-the-art electronics to monitor falls, etc. So, put all that aside I am really struggling with what is best for my wife. I'm 87 and can take a lot of stress and am only concerned with this part of my decision making process in what is best for her. Not for me. Not for family. Just her. Better at home (across the street from the Assisted Living Building) or in the building close by.

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@picartist My mother faced this exact dilemma when my father broke his hip. The choice they faced was should he try to stay in their apartment or should he go to assisted living . Dad had some dementia which caused him to get up at night, forget to take his medications, and go for long walks and get lost. So, my parents decided that Dad would go downstairs to assisted living and return to the apartment for the day. Mom would stay in the apartment. Mom was able to visit everyday (when he could no longer go up to the apartment) and take him to activities in a wheelchair. It worked very well for both of them.
I understand that circumstances are different for you but I just wanted to share a story that is similar to yours. My best to you and to your decision. Becky

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