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Incredibly lonely, shutting down: Suffering with Anhedonia

Posted by januaryjane @januaryjane, Jun 5, 2020

Im dealing with a lot, my body is wearing me down. Im not sure if its self-numbing, but i feel like im shutting down. Emotions, interests, pleasure. Im exhausted, heartbroken and lonely. I dont have answers although its been so long. I just want to quit fighting this battle with my body I cant figure out. Stay home, quit seeking medical advice. Whats the point?

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helpfulbee38 | @helpfulbee38 | Mar 2, 2025
In reply to @wannascreamintospace "I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life..." + (show)
Profile picture for wannascreamintospace @wannascreamintospace

I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life more and more unbearable. I don't find any pleasure in life. I think I have anhedonia. But it's not easy to tell whether that is the case, or if I may have other mental health issues, because where I live, there's a lot of stigma around this topic. Plus, I don't have ready access to funds for a diagnosis/treatment/therapy.

Some days I don't want to work. I just want to sleep all day long. In others I don't even like watching. I just want to stay there and stare into the distance with my thoughts. I'm searching online for the least painful ways to die, the most obscure places where I can die and no one will know or find me, how to stage a suicide as accidental/hard to distinguish from a murder, etc. I've even been hoping to get malaria and ditch the meds... It's been a struggle that's been going on for over 7 years now.

The one thing that still achors me is my mother. She's close to retirement (around six years left) and has spent most of her savings taking care of me as a single parent. Although I started fully supporting myself from my second year in college, she still didn't save anything as she bought and started developing her home (she has been renting her entire life). She's so full of life, and wants to live for +46 more years.

I love her dearly. She might be the only person I truly care for to be honest. But, I feel like I have a debt to pay. And if I end it, she won't have anyone else (I am an only child).

I want to make a lot and save up. That way, I can offer her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then I can be free to go to a quiet little place where no one can find me and die.

Securing jobs for what I trained for hasn't been easy. I don't even make enough to pay for my overseas air fees (the bare minimum asked for a scholarship offer I was really interested in). I'm losing all hope except one that I'll wake up one day and find I am awake no more.

I just want to know whether anyone's been fighting to stay alive for one person. And how to keep going when you feel like your energy reserves are depleted.

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Hi. You just need to make an appointment to get a massage. And then when you can, get another one 2 weeks later. You should get a massage once a month, and you should also go on a 2 day vacation somewhere nice where there’s lots of NATURE… you could also get a hotel room for a couple nights to clear your head and have some time to yourself… or get a friend to go to a movie with. You’re definitely just going through a phase. I prayed to get cancer when I was like 9 because I felt like such a burden to my parents and I fought depression and anxiety and that stemmed from being loved wrong and neglected. I don’t know how old you are, or what your financial situation looks like, but all of these things can definitely help you, if you allow them to. Also congratulations on your internship, I’ll say a prayer for you, and if you’re ever feeling bold, and you believe in Christ and want to experience some healing and peace, you should google search the nearest Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, find what time it starts, and go. God bless you and your family.

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dianekbrown | @dianekbrown | Mar 27, 2025
In reply to @wannascreamintospace "I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life..." + (show)
Profile picture for wannascreamintospace @wannascreamintospace

I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life more and more unbearable. I don't find any pleasure in life. I think I have anhedonia. But it's not easy to tell whether that is the case, or if I may have other mental health issues, because where I live, there's a lot of stigma around this topic. Plus, I don't have ready access to funds for a diagnosis/treatment/therapy.

Some days I don't want to work. I just want to sleep all day long. In others I don't even like watching. I just want to stay there and stare into the distance with my thoughts. I'm searching online for the least painful ways to die, the most obscure places where I can die and no one will know or find me, how to stage a suicide as accidental/hard to distinguish from a murder, etc. I've even been hoping to get malaria and ditch the meds... It's been a struggle that's been going on for over 7 years now.

The one thing that still achors me is my mother. She's close to retirement (around six years left) and has spent most of her savings taking care of me as a single parent. Although I started fully supporting myself from my second year in college, she still didn't save anything as she bought and started developing her home (she has been renting her entire life). She's so full of life, and wants to live for +46 more years.

I love her dearly. She might be the only person I truly care for to be honest. But, I feel like I have a debt to pay. And if I end it, she won't have anyone else (I am an only child).

I want to make a lot and save up. That way, I can offer her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then I can be free to go to a quiet little place where no one can find me and die.

Securing jobs for what I trained for hasn't been easy. I don't even make enough to pay for my overseas air fees (the bare minimum asked for a scholarship offer I was really interested in). I'm losing all hope except one that I'll wake up one day and find I am awake no more.

I just want to know whether anyone's been fighting to stay alive for one person. And how to keep going when you feel like your energy reserves are depleted.

Jump to this post

A PS to my earlier suggestion of seeing a psychiatrist...my insurance also covers therapy 1x a wk 4 an hr just to talk. I found that very effective and really connect with her...i am also a female and I think it's a better connection for me. Good luck, and hugs 2 u!

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mc2011 | @mc2011 | Jan 23 5:59am

Good morning to everyone,
A relative in the family suffers from OCD/ Anhedonia, with all the effects of not feeling any joy!
Does anyone have an experience and a solution, for behaviors as "I do not have nothing to ware", "need to go to the hairdresser, but no appointment is made", etc. is like the relative does not want to do anything that is beneficial for it's health - no exercise, no vitamins, no ... ". Luckelly the relatives is taking the medicine prescribed"

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1 reply
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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Feb 5 7:44pm
In reply to @mc2011 "Good morning to everyone, A relative in the family suffers from OCD/ Anhedonia, with all the..." + (show)
Profile picture for mc2011 @mc2011

Good morning to everyone,
A relative in the family suffers from OCD/ Anhedonia, with all the effects of not feeling any joy!
Does anyone have an experience and a solution, for behaviors as "I do not have nothing to ware", "need to go to the hairdresser, but no appointment is made", etc. is like the relative does not want to do anything that is beneficial for it's health - no exercise, no vitamins, no ... ". Luckelly the relatives is taking the medicine prescribed"

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@mc2011, this must be so challenging. To someone who does not experience anhedonia, it seems like the solutions could be so simple. But as you know with your relative, solutions are not simple. They find it hard to help themselves. I'm glad they take they medications as prescribed.

You're a caring person looking for tips. Do you live close to your relative? Do they also see a therapist or group therapy like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)?

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irishmary | @irishmary | Feb 7 1:29pm
In reply to @gailb "@januaryjane, I'm Gail and I'm a Volunteer Mentor with Mayo Connect. Please don't give up! There..." + (show)
Profile picture for Gail Benson Ledesma , Alumni Mentor @gailb

@januaryjane,
I'm Gail and I'm a Volunteer Mentor with Mayo Connect. Please don't give up! There are many here who will reach out to you. First, please let me know that you won't do anything to harm yourself. Please commit that you won't do that.

- Can you tell me more about your situation?
- You say you're lonely; do you have family or friends to whom you can talk? If not,
we're here for listening and communicating.
- What are you experiencing in your body that are problems?
- Have you seen physicians about treating your problems?
- Are you taking medications, and if so, what are you taking?
- What made you reach out to Mayo Connect?

I'm not a medical professional, but through my experience, and that of others on Mayo Connect, we may be able to help you find what you need. We have had many experiences and may have even been where you are now in the past.

Thank you for reaching out. Please know that you are loved.

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@gailb I'm a supportive family member of a loved long-distance sufferer. Also a past sufferer of depression myself. It's the lack of all human contact that's worst for us. What can make a difference to us is to get out and have an exchange with someone - anyone - the grocery clerk, a walker, ANY FELLOW HUMAN! Be the first one to smile or say Hi no matter how difficult it may seem. Offer help to someone needful or elderly or physically struggling. A simple exchange can bring a little bit of light into our lives.

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tisme | @tisme | Feb 8 5:07am

Im bipolar, and the depression is wow, it doesnt quit, even my daughter has noticed I don't do things I used to like listen to music, I dont know , I just cant be bothered. My body too is not like it used to be, bad arthritis , and such. I am tired of fighting it and life. Im so tired. other people dont know or care.

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tisme | @tisme | Feb 9 7:41pm

I can get a government funded support worker for a few hours a week, I just want to get away from the house for a while , a coffee, sit at the beach ( I cant get far now due to arthritis too ) but the government wont fund support for such things, they wont understand how depression etc can be helped by such things,

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