Incredibly lonely, shutting down: Suffering with Anhedonia

I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life more and more unbearable. I don't find any pleasure in life. I think I have anhedonia. But it's not easy to tell whether that is the case, or if I may have other mental health issues, because where I live, there's a lot of stigma around this topic. Plus, I don't have ready access to funds for a diagnosis/treatment/therapy.

Some days I don't want to work. I just want to sleep all day long. In others I don't even like watching. I just want to stay there and stare into the distance with my thoughts. I'm searching online for the least painful ways to die, the most obscure places where I can die and no one will know or find me, how to stage a suicide as accidental/hard to distinguish from a murder, etc. I've even been hoping to get malaria and ditch the meds... It's been a struggle that's been going on for over 7 years now.

The one thing that still achors me is my mother. She's close to retirement (around six years left) and has spent most of her savings taking care of me as a single parent. Although I started fully supporting myself from my second year in college, she still didn't save anything as she bought and started developing her home (she has been renting her entire life). She's so full of life, and wants to live for +46 more years.

I love her dearly. She might be the only person I truly care for to be honest. But, I feel like I have a debt to pay. And if I end it, she won't have anyone else (I am an only child).

I want to make a lot and save up. That way, I can offer her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then I can be free to go to a quiet little place where no one can find me and die.

Securing jobs for what I trained for hasn't been easy. I don't even make enough to pay for my overseas air fees (the bare minimum asked for a scholarship offer I was really interested in). I'm losing all hope except one that I'll wake up one day and find I am awake no more.

I just want to know whether anyone's been fighting to stay alive for one person. And how to keep going when you feel like your energy reserves are depleted.

I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life more and more unbearable. I don't find any pleasure in life. I think I have anhedonia. But it's not easy to tell whether that is the case, or if I may have other mental health issues, because where I live, there's a lot of stigma around this topic. Plus, I don't have ready access to funds for a diagnosis/treatment/therapy.

Some days I don't want to work. I just want to sleep all day long. In others I don't even like watching. I just want to stay there and stare into the distance with my thoughts. I'm searching online for the least painful ways to die, the most obscure places where I can die and no one will know or find me, how to stage a suicide as accidental/hard to distinguish from a murder, etc. I've even been hoping to get malaria and ditch the meds... It's been a struggle that's been going on for over 7 years now.

The one thing that still achors me is my mother. She's close to retirement (around six years left) and has spent most of her savings taking care of me as a single parent. Although I started fully supporting myself from my second year in college, she still didn't save anything as she bought and started developing her home (she has been renting her entire life). She's so full of life, and wants to live for +46 more years.

I love her dearly. She might be the only person I truly care for to be honest. But, I feel like I have a debt to pay. And if I end it, she won't have anyone else (I am an only child).

I want to make a lot and save up. That way, I can offer her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then I can be free to go to a quiet little place where no one can find me and die.

Securing jobs for what I trained for hasn't been easy. I don't even make enough to pay for my overseas air fees (the bare minimum asked for a scholarship offer I was really interested in). I'm losing all hope except one that I'll wake up one day and find I am awake no more.

I just want to know whether anyone's been fighting to stay alive for one person. And how to keep going when you feel like your energy reserves are depleted.

I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life more and more unbearable. I don't find any pleasure in life. I think I have anhedonia. But it's not easy to tell whether that is the case, or if I may have other mental health issues, because where I live, there's a lot of stigma around this topic. Plus, I don't have ready access to funds for a diagnosis/treatment/therapy.

Some days I don't want to work. I just want to sleep all day long. In others I don't even like watching. I just want to stay there and stare into the distance with my thoughts. I'm searching online for the least painful ways to die, the most obscure places where I can die and no one will know or find me, how to stage a suicide as accidental/hard to distinguish from a murder, etc. I've even been hoping to get malaria and ditch the meds... It's been a struggle that's been going on for over 7 years now.

The one thing that still achors me is my mother. She's close to retirement (around six years left) and has spent most of her savings taking care of me as a single parent. Although I started fully supporting myself from my second year in college, she still didn't save anything as she bought and started developing her home (she has been renting her entire life). She's so full of life, and wants to live for +46 more years.

I love her dearly. She might be the only person I truly care for to be honest. But, I feel like I have a debt to pay. And if I end it, she won't have anyone else (I am an only child).

I want to make a lot and save up. That way, I can offer her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then I can be free to go to a quiet little place where no one can find me and die.

Securing jobs for what I trained for hasn't been easy. I don't even make enough to pay for my overseas air fees (the bare minimum asked for a scholarship offer I was really interested in). I'm losing all hope except one that I'll wake up one day and find I am awake no more.

I just want to know whether anyone's been fighting to stay alive for one person. And how to keep going when you feel like your energy reserves are depleted.

@wannascreamintospace I didn’t know this feeling had a name …

I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life more and more unbearable. I don't find any pleasure in life. I think I have anhedonia. But it's not easy to tell whether that is the case, or if I may have other mental health issues, because where I live, there's a lot of stigma around this topic. Plus, I don't have ready access to funds for a diagnosis/treatment/therapy.

Some days I don't want to work. I just want to sleep all day long. In others I don't even like watching. I just want to stay there and stare into the distance with my thoughts. I'm searching online for the least painful ways to die, the most obscure places where I can die and no one will know or find me, how to stage a suicide as accidental/hard to distinguish from a murder, etc. I've even been hoping to get malaria and ditch the meds... It's been a struggle that's been going on for over 7 years now.

The one thing that still achors me is my mother. She's close to retirement (around six years left) and has spent most of her savings taking care of me as a single parent. Although I started fully supporting myself from my second year in college, she still didn't save anything as she bought and started developing her home (she has been renting her entire life). She's so full of life, and wants to live for +46 more years.

I love her dearly. She might be the only person I truly care for to be honest. But, I feel like I have a debt to pay. And if I end it, she won't have anyone else (I am an only child).

I want to make a lot and save up. That way, I can offer her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then I can be free to go to a quiet little place where no one can find me and die.

Securing jobs for what I trained for hasn't been easy. I don't even make enough to pay for my overseas air fees (the bare minimum asked for a scholarship offer I was really interested in). I'm losing all hope except one that I'll wake up one day and find I am awake no more.

I just want to know whether anyone's been fighting to stay alive for one person. And how to keep going when you feel like your energy reserves are depleted.

I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life more and more unbearable. I don't find any pleasure in life. I think I have anhedonia. But it's not easy to tell whether that is the case, or if I may have other mental health issues, because where I live, there's a lot of stigma around this topic. Plus, I don't have ready access to funds for a diagnosis/treatment/therapy.

Some days I don't want to work. I just want to sleep all day long. In others I don't even like watching. I just want to stay there and stare into the distance with my thoughts. I'm searching online for the least painful ways to die, the most obscure places where I can die and no one will know or find me, how to stage a suicide as accidental/hard to distinguish from a murder, etc. I've even been hoping to get malaria and ditch the meds... It's been a struggle that's been going on for over 7 years now.

The one thing that still achors me is my mother. She's close to retirement (around six years left) and has spent most of her savings taking care of me as a single parent. Although I started fully supporting myself from my second year in college, she still didn't save anything as she bought and started developing her home (she has been renting her entire life). She's so full of life, and wants to live for +46 more years.

I love her dearly. She might be the only person I truly care for to be honest. But, I feel like I have a debt to pay. And if I end it, she won't have anyone else (I am an only child).

I want to make a lot and save up. That way, I can offer her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then I can be free to go to a quiet little place where no one can find me and die.

Securing jobs for what I trained for hasn't been easy. I don't even make enough to pay for my overseas air fees (the bare minimum asked for a scholarship offer I was really interested in). I'm losing all hope except one that I'll wake up one day and find I am awake no more.

I just want to know whether anyone's been fighting to stay alive for one person. And how to keep going when you feel like your energy reserves are depleted.

I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life more and more unbearable. I don't find any pleasure in life. I think I have anhedonia. But it's not easy to tell whether that is the case, or if I may have other mental health issues, because where I live, there's a lot of stigma around this topic. Plus, I don't have ready access to funds for a diagnosis/treatment/therapy.

Some days I don't want to work. I just want to sleep all day long. In others I don't even like watching. I just want to stay there and stare into the distance with my thoughts. I'm searching online for the least painful ways to die, the most obscure places where I can die and no one will know or find me, how to stage a suicide as accidental/hard to distinguish from a murder, etc. I've even been hoping to get malaria and ditch the meds... It's been a struggle that's been going on for over 7 years now.

The one thing that still achors me is my mother. She's close to retirement (around six years left) and has spent most of her savings taking care of me as a single parent. Although I started fully supporting myself from my second year in college, she still didn't save anything as she bought and started developing her home (she has been renting her entire life). She's so full of life, and wants to live for +46 more years.

I love her dearly. She might be the only person I truly care for to be honest. But, I feel like I have a debt to pay. And if I end it, she won't have anyone else (I am an only child).

I want to make a lot and save up. That way, I can offer her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then I can be free to go to a quiet little place where no one can find me and die.

Securing jobs for what I trained for hasn't been easy. I don't even make enough to pay for my overseas air fees (the bare minimum asked for a scholarship offer I was really interested in). I'm losing all hope except one that I'll wake up one day and find I am awake no more.

I just want to know whether anyone's been fighting to stay alive for one person. And how to keep going when you feel like your energy reserves are depleted.

Good morning to everyone,
A relative in the family suffers from OCD/ Anhedonia, with all the effects of not feeling any joy!
Does anyone have an experience and a solution, for behaviors as "I do not have nothing to ware", "need to go to the hairdresser, but no appointment is made", etc. is like the relative does not want to do anything that is beneficial for it's health - no exercise, no vitamins, no ... ". Luckelly the relatives is taking the medicine prescribed"

@januaryjane,
I'm Gail and I'm a Volunteer Mentor with Mayo Connect. Please don't give up! There are many here who will reach out to you. First, please let me know that you won't do anything to harm yourself. Please commit that you won't do that.

- Can you tell me more about your situation?
- You say you're lonely; do you have family or friends to whom you can talk? If not,
we're here for listening and communicating.
- What are you experiencing in your body that are problems?
- Have you seen physicians about treating your problems?
- Are you taking medications, and if so, what are you taking?
- What made you reach out to Mayo Connect?

I'm not a medical professional, but through my experience, and that of others on Mayo Connect, we may be able to help you find what you need. We have had many experiences and may have even been where you are now in the past.

Thank you for reaching out. Please know that you are loved.