Share this:
MENTOR
Jim, Volunteer Mentor
@jimhd

Posts: 1193
Joined: Aug 10, 2016

I survived suicide attempts

Posted by @jimhd, Oct 6, 2016

I haven’t attempted lately, though the idea lingers. I’ve taken overdoses a number of times, and spent time in a nice facility twice. At this point, I mostly don’t want to end my life, primarily because of concern for my wife. Sometimes, when I’m in a lot of physical and emotional pain, I wish I had died.

REPLY

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

As Robin Williams said ( and I’m not comparing myself to him)- he was and is a great man with a real love for people. But he said for him-depression is a unwelcome partner that;s always beside you. We have to push it away and try and fill it with others. JJames

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Oh I agree- you are right on- and I have many times experiences what you just said. JJames

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

I might be more accurate to say that people can gain partial control of their mood swings. My meds have kept my hypomania under control but my depressive cycles are still pretty black.

@kimsworld

I’ve been watching and reading this thread, since it started. Until now, I have only thought about replying or adding to it. I suppose in part because I’ve never “attempted suicide”. Suicidal Ideation however has been a very large part of my thoughts, throughout the years. (Presently, as I write this, I have not had such thoughts in quite some time.) I would consider myself, as having “Passive Suicidal Ideation”- a desire to die, without a specific plan to carry it out. Suicide, at some point in my life, became an “option”, if I could not withstand the battles of my life… I work hard to remain a survivor.
At the age of 27, I had a beautiful, curly red headed baby girl. Joy, renewal, and a vow… to raise her without abuse, harm, or as an outlet for my anger. She is 20 years old now, and I’m SO very proud, to be her Mom. (My vow to my daughter will make more sense, if you choose to read on.)
I have shared, in another post, that I journal. I have since I was very young. Looking back through some of those journals, I see a dark side in my words, helplessness, in my writing… and I recall writing those words and feelings, from those times. Pleading, and begging to have it ALL go away. I DO see a therapist presently. I’ve been to many over the years, as I seek “help” when I KNOW my thought patterns are again, shifting.
My paternal grandmother died when I was 13yrs old. She was literally my “lifeline”, as only she gave me the support, and compassion that I unknowingly sought, the years before she passed. Her passing was like the end of the world, for me. I vividly recall the middle of the night phone call, my father received… letting him know, she had died. Seeing my father cry. To this day, I am deathly afraid, of middle of the night phone calls.
After her passing, I lost a lot of weight (diagnosed as anorexic) I started “cutting” and graduated to burning. (From the MAYO clinic; ~Cutting- Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It’s typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger, and frustration. ~) (I have been in “cutting” sobriety, for many years. IT has NOT always been easy.) Depression, chronic anxiety/panic attacks… PTSD. These diagnoses did NOT just come about because of my Grandma’s passing. Her passing, and the sudden realization that my lifeline was gone, exacerbated my feelings of being empty, totally alone, unlovable and lost, and brought to the surface, the deep emotional pain, I had endured since before I was 5yrs old.
I was SO young, my relationship with my mother was very “strained’, I realized we were NOT close before I was 5. She was not afraid to shout the words, “I wish you had never been born!” My father, so much like my grandma, (his Mom) was my rock. Never was I unsure if he loved me, or was proud that I was his daughter. (I was an only child for 5 yrs before my middle sibling was born.) I felt I lived in a war zone, when my parents were together. My mother is/was very insecure, jealous, and hateful. Especially toward the relationship between my dad, and myself. She was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. (Accusations of extra-marital affairs, against my Dad, were a nightly “dinner topic”) EVERY day, I lived this. I witnessed Domestic Violence, ALL night arguing, and dysfunction, in all of its horrifying grandeur. My mother was my enemy, and I was one of her targets. * I will leave gaps of my story, as some parts; induce great panic attacks/anxiety, for me, to this day. As an example, when my Mother became enraged she would grab my hair, wrap it around her fist, clench it tightly, and RIP it out of my head. My scalp would bleed. She would laugh, and “promise” I would “get” it again. *
I was introduced to the concept of “suicide’, at the age of 4. Of course I didn’t understand it, or what it meant but my mother, used the words, “I will kill myself, and then you’ll be sorry”, to my Dad, several times during their daily/nightly arguments. My mother would make phone calls to my Dad’s work, EVERY day, tell ME what to say when the receptionist answered, and when my Dad would pick up the call, I was coached to tell him; “Daddy, you need to come home. Mommy is going to kill herself”. At first, he would. He would leave work, and come home. They would fight. I would hide.
As time went on, and my mother continued this behavior, my Dad would NO longer take the calls I was forced to make. I TOOK the brunt of those “NO longer taken phone calls”, and I feared my mother and being alone with her. This was in the early 70’s, and I was only 4/5. (I was threatened, by my mother, when I became school aged, threatened with agonizing physical repercussions, IF I ever said a word about MY home life. I never did.) My parents had 2 more daughters. My mother targeted neither of them, as I became their protector.
At 47, I am still haunted by everything I endured. (MY PTSD diagnosis) Memories get easier, but do not go away.
My mother attempted suicide, one time, which I know of. My Dad, spoke to professional’s re: my mother’s chronically abusive behaviors, and she was put on medication, evaluated, and mandated to work with a therapist. If she did not, she would’ve been placed in an “institution”. She “played” along, and NEVER was seen, as who she truly was/is. My mother continued her “targeting” of me, until I graduated HS, and moved out, 2 months later. Her behaviors toward my Dad NEVER ceased. She will be 69 in a few short weeks. 50 yrs of marriage. (My birthday candle wish, every year was; “I wish that Mom and Dad will get divorced.” It never came true.)
My Dad…, who I have spoken of proudly, IS chronically sick. He is in the hospital, with Stage 4 kidney failure, survived 3 open heart surgeries, served in Vietnam, ALWAYS saying, ” I am a soldier”… and HE endured my mother’s abuse his entire adult life. He has also been one of my strongest lifelines, and he IS going to die. He recently made his “end of life” choices. DNR is in place.
He CAN return home, to live what time he has left. He CHOSE NOT to. His reason; “I can NO longer live with your mother, or her abusive ways. I do love her BUT I am tired, and I am done”. His 3 daughters, my 2 younger sisters, and I support and accept his difficult decision. Yet, OUR hearts are broken.
Yet, I know that even the strongest soldier, one-day finds, that it’s his time to rest.
My Dad has been in Palliative Care, for just under 1 month now. I am proud of my Dad. It is the first choice he has made for himself, OVER my mother’s blatant disregard FOR his needs/wants. After 50 yrs, of “unknowingly enabling and ‘giving in’ to my mother, out of his love for her, ( and his concrete explanation of, ” Your mother is sick, I can’t leave her.”) My Dad has stood up to her.
She has told him he is selfish, abusive and has never loved her, for the choice he has now made. She has stated she will commit suicide, when he dies. *By my young adult years, I knew just how very conniving, and manipulative my mother was/ and still is. And, YES… how VERY mentally sick she’s been her entire life.*
My “wish” has now become, that MY dad lives his last days, weeks, or months, the way he chooses. He has limited the amount of visits my mother is allowed, to see him. A difficult, yet necessary decision.
AS I read your post’s @overwhelmed, and @jimhd ‘s, regarding suicide, my heart heard your feelings, thoughts, and worries. Very loudly. My OWN memories, emotions, and deepest fears surfaced. BUT I didn’t panic. I felt NOT so alone. I know, being told, “You are NOT alone” and “Feeling totally and hopelessly alone, during those times… are a battle fought, in a troubled, fragile mind. I know. I get “it”. I “hear” you. I have “felt” it.
And @johnjames, you have a truly incredible and compassionate knowledge base, filled with empathy and genuine concern. NOT only because you have studied such areas of life, but because you have lived through, witnessed, and experienced so much, as a man. A human being, beyond all else that you have become, throughout your life’s journey, thus far. Your very first post, in which you shared some very deep experiences from your military career, and as a Chaplain, drew me in, more than you may realize. Maybe, I was directed to your posts and words by something larger than myself. (I have copied and saved, many of your replies to others, and to myself, so that I can look at them, read them, and draw strength from them.) They have given me a “new” perspective, on many subjects, and for that, I’m grateful.
I seem to post in Connect when certain posts just draw me in because I truly “feel” them. Almost like, I am meant to read them. Not just in this thread but in several others, as well. And as I read them, I “feel” them because the “emotions” that they display are similar to my experiences, or I feel a need to reach out, and offer some light, in a dark moment. Because I HAVE been there, and I am sure, I will be again. Yet, I live to be as positive as I can be, see the big picture, in the smallest things, or see the simple things in the big picture, and realize that I DO have a purpose here, in this world. Even if I don’t always see it. Sometimes I feel that we don’t always see our own purpose at times because it is meant for others to see.
Dealing with suicide, suicidal ideation, cutting, etc… It is not easy. Especially, when the demons you wish to escape, come from within your darkest experiences, or thoughts. We are NOT our demons. We DO have a purpose here in life, and we ARE survivors. We must be extra gentle, yet sometimes stern, with ourselves. Nurture ourselves, yet urge ourselves to get back up.
We are the ONLY person that will be with US, every day, all of our life.
What I have shared isn’t even a quarter of my experiences. But I AM HERE. I’ve ridden the terrifying roller coaster, and I am STILL here. And no, journaling doesn’t always get rid of those feelings. Sometimes, I just want to rip the pages out… and I have.
The fall down a ladder, is easier than the climb up a ladder. YET, we have re-climbed our ladder, one rung at a time. Many times, for WE are here. We don’t have to get back to the top of OUR ladder, in one day; we just need to hang on to ONE rung, of OUR ladder, at a time. Even when, the “hanging on” part is the MOST difficult thing in the world. Sit on the rung of the ladder, even if it’s at the bottom sometimes. When you’re able, start the climb, to the next rung, don’t look all the way to the top of your ladder… just concentrate on that very next rung… getting back up is a process, NOT a race.
I see “your” purpose, in your posts…. With genuine appreciation, ~ KIM

Jump to this post

Hi, @colleenyoung you made perfect sense! 🙂
However, lol when I try to “reply”, as a CONT to my original post, above, I get a “Please provide text for this post.” message, even though the text body IS there, ready to post. (And, you all know I can write, so providing text is simple for me… lol)
Then, when I click, POST REPLY… that message appears in red, in the lower, left hand corner, directly across from the POST REPLY button. ( It giggled at me.. lol)
LOL… I think I can see you Colleen, shaking your head, going “huh?” 🙂 I am… lol only me, only me… lol *sigh* 🙂
I am somewhat “tech savvy”… “somewhat”.. lol and have not had this happen before. So, I am wondering if the reason I cannot reply, off my original post, is because I “reported” the post… lol?
I’m not sure that is what’s happening so I am going to try and post the little bit I had left, my CONT portion, here in this reply to you… and see what happens.. (Since my Dad passed Sunday, my world has been upside down… as frustrating as this posting issue is, I am laughing… I can see my Dad, shaking his head, with a big grin on his lips… lol He was “Our go to guy”… for things like this…)
Okay, trying now…

CONT-

@kimsworld

I’ve been watching and reading this thread, since it started. Until now, I have only thought about replying or adding to it. I suppose in part because I’ve never “attempted suicide”. Suicidal Ideation however has been a very large part of my thoughts, throughout the years. (Presently, as I write this, I have not had such thoughts in quite some time.) I would consider myself, as having “Passive Suicidal Ideation”- a desire to die, without a specific plan to carry it out. Suicide, at some point in my life, became an “option”, if I could not withstand the battles of my life… I work hard to remain a survivor.
At the age of 27, I had a beautiful, curly red headed baby girl. Joy, renewal, and a vow… to raise her without abuse, harm, or as an outlet for my anger. She is 20 years old now, and I’m SO very proud, to be her Mom. (My vow to my daughter will make more sense, if you choose to read on.)
I have shared, in another post, that I journal. I have since I was very young. Looking back through some of those journals, I see a dark side in my words, helplessness, in my writing… and I recall writing those words and feelings, from those times. Pleading, and begging to have it ALL go away. I DO see a therapist presently. I’ve been to many over the years, as I seek “help” when I KNOW my thought patterns are again, shifting.
My paternal grandmother died when I was 13yrs old. She was literally my “lifeline”, as only she gave me the support, and compassion that I unknowingly sought, the years before she passed. Her passing was like the end of the world, for me. I vividly recall the middle of the night phone call, my father received… letting him know, she had died. Seeing my father cry. To this day, I am deathly afraid, of middle of the night phone calls.
After her passing, I lost a lot of weight (diagnosed as anorexic) I started “cutting” and graduated to burning. (From the MAYO clinic; ~Cutting- Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It’s typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger, and frustration. ~) (I have been in “cutting” sobriety, for many years. IT has NOT always been easy.) Depression, chronic anxiety/panic attacks… PTSD. These diagnoses did NOT just come about because of my Grandma’s passing. Her passing, and the sudden realization that my lifeline was gone, exacerbated my feelings of being empty, totally alone, unlovable and lost, and brought to the surface, the deep emotional pain, I had endured since before I was 5yrs old.
I was SO young, my relationship with my mother was very “strained’, I realized we were NOT close before I was 5. She was not afraid to shout the words, “I wish you had never been born!” My father, so much like my grandma, (his Mom) was my rock. Never was I unsure if he loved me, or was proud that I was his daughter. (I was an only child for 5 yrs before my middle sibling was born.) I felt I lived in a war zone, when my parents were together. My mother is/was very insecure, jealous, and hateful. Especially toward the relationship between my dad, and myself. She was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. (Accusations of extra-marital affairs, against my Dad, were a nightly “dinner topic”) EVERY day, I lived this. I witnessed Domestic Violence, ALL night arguing, and dysfunction, in all of its horrifying grandeur. My mother was my enemy, and I was one of her targets. * I will leave gaps of my story, as some parts; induce great panic attacks/anxiety, for me, to this day. As an example, when my Mother became enraged she would grab my hair, wrap it around her fist, clench it tightly, and RIP it out of my head. My scalp would bleed. She would laugh, and “promise” I would “get” it again. *
I was introduced to the concept of “suicide’, at the age of 4. Of course I didn’t understand it, or what it meant but my mother, used the words, “I will kill myself, and then you’ll be sorry”, to my Dad, several times during their daily/nightly arguments. My mother would make phone calls to my Dad’s work, EVERY day, tell ME what to say when the receptionist answered, and when my Dad would pick up the call, I was coached to tell him; “Daddy, you need to come home. Mommy is going to kill herself”. At first, he would. He would leave work, and come home. They would fight. I would hide.
As time went on, and my mother continued this behavior, my Dad would NO longer take the calls I was forced to make. I TOOK the brunt of those “NO longer taken phone calls”, and I feared my mother and being alone with her. This was in the early 70’s, and I was only 4/5. (I was threatened, by my mother, when I became school aged, threatened with agonizing physical repercussions, IF I ever said a word about MY home life. I never did.) My parents had 2 more daughters. My mother targeted neither of them, as I became their protector.
At 47, I am still haunted by everything I endured. (MY PTSD diagnosis) Memories get easier, but do not go away.
My mother attempted suicide, one time, which I know of. My Dad, spoke to professional’s re: my mother’s chronically abusive behaviors, and she was put on medication, evaluated, and mandated to work with a therapist. If she did not, she would’ve been placed in an “institution”. She “played” along, and NEVER was seen, as who she truly was/is. My mother continued her “targeting” of me, until I graduated HS, and moved out, 2 months later. Her behaviors toward my Dad NEVER ceased. She will be 69 in a few short weeks. 50 yrs of marriage. (My birthday candle wish, every year was; “I wish that Mom and Dad will get divorced.” It never came true.)
My Dad…, who I have spoken of proudly, IS chronically sick. He is in the hospital, with Stage 4 kidney failure, survived 3 open heart surgeries, served in Vietnam, ALWAYS saying, ” I am a soldier”… and HE endured my mother’s abuse his entire adult life. He has also been one of my strongest lifelines, and he IS going to die. He recently made his “end of life” choices. DNR is in place.
He CAN return home, to live what time he has left. He CHOSE NOT to. His reason; “I can NO longer live with your mother, or her abusive ways. I do love her BUT I am tired, and I am done”. His 3 daughters, my 2 younger sisters, and I support and accept his difficult decision. Yet, OUR hearts are broken.
Yet, I know that even the strongest soldier, one-day finds, that it’s his time to rest.
My Dad has been in Palliative Care, for just under 1 month now. I am proud of my Dad. It is the first choice he has made for himself, OVER my mother’s blatant disregard FOR his needs/wants. After 50 yrs, of “unknowingly enabling and ‘giving in’ to my mother, out of his love for her, ( and his concrete explanation of, ” Your mother is sick, I can’t leave her.”) My Dad has stood up to her.
She has told him he is selfish, abusive and has never loved her, for the choice he has now made. She has stated she will commit suicide, when he dies. *By my young adult years, I knew just how very conniving, and manipulative my mother was/ and still is. And, YES… how VERY mentally sick she’s been her entire life.*
My “wish” has now become, that MY dad lives his last days, weeks, or months, the way he chooses. He has limited the amount of visits my mother is allowed, to see him. A difficult, yet necessary decision.
AS I read your post’s @overwhelmed, and @jimhd ‘s, regarding suicide, my heart heard your feelings, thoughts, and worries. Very loudly. My OWN memories, emotions, and deepest fears surfaced. BUT I didn’t panic. I felt NOT so alone. I know, being told, “You are NOT alone” and “Feeling totally and hopelessly alone, during those times… are a battle fought, in a troubled, fragile mind. I know. I get “it”. I “hear” you. I have “felt” it.
And @johnjames, you have a truly incredible and compassionate knowledge base, filled with empathy and genuine concern. NOT only because you have studied such areas of life, but because you have lived through, witnessed, and experienced so much, as a man. A human being, beyond all else that you have become, throughout your life’s journey, thus far. Your very first post, in which you shared some very deep experiences from your military career, and as a Chaplain, drew me in, more than you may realize. Maybe, I was directed to your posts and words by something larger than myself. (I have copied and saved, many of your replies to others, and to myself, so that I can look at them, read them, and draw strength from them.) They have given me a “new” perspective, on many subjects, and for that, I’m grateful.
I seem to post in Connect when certain posts just draw me in because I truly “feel” them. Almost like, I am meant to read them. Not just in this thread but in several others, as well. And as I read them, I “feel” them because the “emotions” that they display are similar to my experiences, or I feel a need to reach out, and offer some light, in a dark moment. Because I HAVE been there, and I am sure, I will be again. Yet, I live to be as positive as I can be, see the big picture, in the smallest things, or see the simple things in the big picture, and realize that I DO have a purpose here, in this world. Even if I don’t always see it. Sometimes I feel that we don’t always see our own purpose at times because it is meant for others to see.
Dealing with suicide, suicidal ideation, cutting, etc… It is not easy. Especially, when the demons you wish to escape, come from within your darkest experiences, or thoughts. We are NOT our demons. We DO have a purpose here in life, and we ARE survivors. We must be extra gentle, yet sometimes stern, with ourselves. Nurture ourselves, yet urge ourselves to get back up.
We are the ONLY person that will be with US, every day, all of our life.
What I have shared isn’t even a quarter of my experiences. But I AM HERE. I’ve ridden the terrifying roller coaster, and I am STILL here. And no, journaling doesn’t always get rid of those feelings. Sometimes, I just want to rip the pages out… and I have.
The fall down a ladder, is easier than the climb up a ladder. YET, we have re-climbed our ladder, one rung at a time. Many times, for WE are here. We don’t have to get back to the top of OUR ladder, in one day; we just need to hang on to ONE rung, of OUR ladder, at a time. Even when, the “hanging on” part is the MOST difficult thing in the world. Sit on the rung of the ladder, even if it’s at the bottom sometimes. When you’re able, start the climb, to the next rung, don’t look all the way to the top of your ladder… just concentrate on that very next rung… getting back up is a process, NOT a race.
I see “your” purpose, in your posts…. With genuine appreciation, ~ KIM

Jump to this post

Oh, Wow! How odd is that? @colleenyoung *looking at you, with a puzzled look on my face*
It will NOT allow me to post the remaining paragraph I had for my CONT portion. See above? How odd, just the CONT part posted in my test of adding it to my reply, to you.
I am a strong spiritual believer. I believe in God. I believe that things happen for a reason…
This may sound odd… but maybe I am NOT supposed to post the last bit I wrote.
It holds a very personal moment I had with my Dad. I have not shared it with anyone, not even my family.
Maybe, I am meant to keep that last bit to myself, and look at my Dad’s words a bit closer… What I have been trying to post is my SECOND realization… maybe I need to replay that conversation, between my Dad and myself a bit more, before I consider the “message” in his words, a “realization”, on my part.
My Dad used to tell me “Share what you need to but do not give everything you feel, away”.
I think, I am going to take this, “NOT being able to post my CONT” as being a personal moment, therefore “Un-postable”, just as my Dad is, “Unforgettable”.

*** Thank you… to anyone that has taken the time to read my post. Thank you, @colleenyoung, for your help. 🙂
I know I write rather lengthy posts, and my journals are proof, I always have.
My catharsis. My heart. My thoughts, my emotions… how could they ever be, anything but lengthy?
So, my deepest gratitude, for those of you, who have taken the time to read this post, and my others…*** ~ Kim

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

@jimh there are different ways to deal with depression depending on its severity. Some use natural substances some USE prescription medication, acupuncture and meditation and some go to counseling. The important thing is to acknowledge its presense and do something proactively. Like you said it doesn’t just go away

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Different people different results no one can say what will work on an individual

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Amen -good for you. jjames

@kimsworld

I’ve been watching and reading this thread, since it started. Until now, I have only thought about replying or adding to it. I suppose in part because I’ve never “attempted suicide”. Suicidal Ideation however has been a very large part of my thoughts, throughout the years. (Presently, as I write this, I have not had such thoughts in quite some time.) I would consider myself, as having “Passive Suicidal Ideation”- a desire to die, without a specific plan to carry it out. Suicide, at some point in my life, became an “option”, if I could not withstand the battles of my life… I work hard to remain a survivor.
At the age of 27, I had a beautiful, curly red headed baby girl. Joy, renewal, and a vow… to raise her without abuse, harm, or as an outlet for my anger. She is 20 years old now, and I’m SO very proud, to be her Mom. (My vow to my daughter will make more sense, if you choose to read on.)
I have shared, in another post, that I journal. I have since I was very young. Looking back through some of those journals, I see a dark side in my words, helplessness, in my writing… and I recall writing those words and feelings, from those times. Pleading, and begging to have it ALL go away. I DO see a therapist presently. I’ve been to many over the years, as I seek “help” when I KNOW my thought patterns are again, shifting.
My paternal grandmother died when I was 13yrs old. She was literally my “lifeline”, as only she gave me the support, and compassion that I unknowingly sought, the years before she passed. Her passing was like the end of the world, for me. I vividly recall the middle of the night phone call, my father received… letting him know, she had died. Seeing my father cry. To this day, I am deathly afraid, of middle of the night phone calls.
After her passing, I lost a lot of weight (diagnosed as anorexic) I started “cutting” and graduated to burning. (From the MAYO clinic; ~Cutting- Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It’s typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger, and frustration. ~) (I have been in “cutting” sobriety, for many years. IT has NOT always been easy.) Depression, chronic anxiety/panic attacks… PTSD. These diagnoses did NOT just come about because of my Grandma’s passing. Her passing, and the sudden realization that my lifeline was gone, exacerbated my feelings of being empty, totally alone, unlovable and lost, and brought to the surface, the deep emotional pain, I had endured since before I was 5yrs old.
I was SO young, my relationship with my mother was very “strained’, I realized we were NOT close before I was 5. She was not afraid to shout the words, “I wish you had never been born!” My father, so much like my grandma, (his Mom) was my rock. Never was I unsure if he loved me, or was proud that I was his daughter. (I was an only child for 5 yrs before my middle sibling was born.) I felt I lived in a war zone, when my parents were together. My mother is/was very insecure, jealous, and hateful. Especially toward the relationship between my dad, and myself. She was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. (Accusations of extra-marital affairs, against my Dad, were a nightly “dinner topic”) EVERY day, I lived this. I witnessed Domestic Violence, ALL night arguing, and dysfunction, in all of its horrifying grandeur. My mother was my enemy, and I was one of her targets. * I will leave gaps of my story, as some parts; induce great panic attacks/anxiety, for me, to this day. As an example, when my Mother became enraged she would grab my hair, wrap it around her fist, clench it tightly, and RIP it out of my head. My scalp would bleed. She would laugh, and “promise” I would “get” it again. *
I was introduced to the concept of “suicide’, at the age of 4. Of course I didn’t understand it, or what it meant but my mother, used the words, “I will kill myself, and then you’ll be sorry”, to my Dad, several times during their daily/nightly arguments. My mother would make phone calls to my Dad’s work, EVERY day, tell ME what to say when the receptionist answered, and when my Dad would pick up the call, I was coached to tell him; “Daddy, you need to come home. Mommy is going to kill herself”. At first, he would. He would leave work, and come home. They would fight. I would hide.
As time went on, and my mother continued this behavior, my Dad would NO longer take the calls I was forced to make. I TOOK the brunt of those “NO longer taken phone calls”, and I feared my mother and being alone with her. This was in the early 70’s, and I was only 4/5. (I was threatened, by my mother, when I became school aged, threatened with agonizing physical repercussions, IF I ever said a word about MY home life. I never did.) My parents had 2 more daughters. My mother targeted neither of them, as I became their protector.
At 47, I am still haunted by everything I endured. (MY PTSD diagnosis) Memories get easier, but do not go away.
My mother attempted suicide, one time, which I know of. My Dad, spoke to professional’s re: my mother’s chronically abusive behaviors, and she was put on medication, evaluated, and mandated to work with a therapist. If she did not, she would’ve been placed in an “institution”. She “played” along, and NEVER was seen, as who she truly was/is. My mother continued her “targeting” of me, until I graduated HS, and moved out, 2 months later. Her behaviors toward my Dad NEVER ceased. She will be 69 in a few short weeks. 50 yrs of marriage. (My birthday candle wish, every year was; “I wish that Mom and Dad will get divorced.” It never came true.)
My Dad…, who I have spoken of proudly, IS chronically sick. He is in the hospital, with Stage 4 kidney failure, survived 3 open heart surgeries, served in Vietnam, ALWAYS saying, ” I am a soldier”… and HE endured my mother’s abuse his entire adult life. He has also been one of my strongest lifelines, and he IS going to die. He recently made his “end of life” choices. DNR is in place.
He CAN return home, to live what time he has left. He CHOSE NOT to. His reason; “I can NO longer live with your mother, or her abusive ways. I do love her BUT I am tired, and I am done”. His 3 daughters, my 2 younger sisters, and I support and accept his difficult decision. Yet, OUR hearts are broken.
Yet, I know that even the strongest soldier, one-day finds, that it’s his time to rest.
My Dad has been in Palliative Care, for just under 1 month now. I am proud of my Dad. It is the first choice he has made for himself, OVER my mother’s blatant disregard FOR his needs/wants. After 50 yrs, of “unknowingly enabling and ‘giving in’ to my mother, out of his love for her, ( and his concrete explanation of, ” Your mother is sick, I can’t leave her.”) My Dad has stood up to her.
She has told him he is selfish, abusive and has never loved her, for the choice he has now made. She has stated she will commit suicide, when he dies. *By my young adult years, I knew just how very conniving, and manipulative my mother was/ and still is. And, YES… how VERY mentally sick she’s been her entire life.*
My “wish” has now become, that MY dad lives his last days, weeks, or months, the way he chooses. He has limited the amount of visits my mother is allowed, to see him. A difficult, yet necessary decision.
AS I read your post’s @overwhelmed, and @jimhd ‘s, regarding suicide, my heart heard your feelings, thoughts, and worries. Very loudly. My OWN memories, emotions, and deepest fears surfaced. BUT I didn’t panic. I felt NOT so alone. I know, being told, “You are NOT alone” and “Feeling totally and hopelessly alone, during those times… are a battle fought, in a troubled, fragile mind. I know. I get “it”. I “hear” you. I have “felt” it.
And @johnjames, you have a truly incredible and compassionate knowledge base, filled with empathy and genuine concern. NOT only because you have studied such areas of life, but because you have lived through, witnessed, and experienced so much, as a man. A human being, beyond all else that you have become, throughout your life’s journey, thus far. Your very first post, in which you shared some very deep experiences from your military career, and as a Chaplain, drew me in, more than you may realize. Maybe, I was directed to your posts and words by something larger than myself. (I have copied and saved, many of your replies to others, and to myself, so that I can look at them, read them, and draw strength from them.) They have given me a “new” perspective, on many subjects, and for that, I’m grateful.
I seem to post in Connect when certain posts just draw me in because I truly “feel” them. Almost like, I am meant to read them. Not just in this thread but in several others, as well. And as I read them, I “feel” them because the “emotions” that they display are similar to my experiences, or I feel a need to reach out, and offer some light, in a dark moment. Because I HAVE been there, and I am sure, I will be again. Yet, I live to be as positive as I can be, see the big picture, in the smallest things, or see the simple things in the big picture, and realize that I DO have a purpose here, in this world. Even if I don’t always see it. Sometimes I feel that we don’t always see our own purpose at times because it is meant for others to see.
Dealing with suicide, suicidal ideation, cutting, etc… It is not easy. Especially, when the demons you wish to escape, come from within your darkest experiences, or thoughts. We are NOT our demons. We DO have a purpose here in life, and we ARE survivors. We must be extra gentle, yet sometimes stern, with ourselves. Nurture ourselves, yet urge ourselves to get back up.
We are the ONLY person that will be with US, every day, all of our life.
What I have shared isn’t even a quarter of my experiences. But I AM HERE. I’ve ridden the terrifying roller coaster, and I am STILL here. And no, journaling doesn’t always get rid of those feelings. Sometimes, I just want to rip the pages out… and I have.
The fall down a ladder, is easier than the climb up a ladder. YET, we have re-climbed our ladder, one rung at a time. Many times, for WE are here. We don’t have to get back to the top of OUR ladder, in one day; we just need to hang on to ONE rung, of OUR ladder, at a time. Even when, the “hanging on” part is the MOST difficult thing in the world. Sit on the rung of the ladder, even if it’s at the bottom sometimes. When you’re able, start the climb, to the next rung, don’t look all the way to the top of your ladder… just concentrate on that very next rung… getting back up is a process, NOT a race.
I see “your” purpose, in your posts…. With genuine appreciation, ~ KIM

Jump to this post

Kim, I often remember something a moment after posting a message. So I go to the online message and, using the “Edit” function, add another paragraph. Sometimes I compose the addition online, but often I do so in Notebook then copy it and paste it into the Edit window.

@kimsworld

I’ve been watching and reading this thread, since it started. Until now, I have only thought about replying or adding to it. I suppose in part because I’ve never “attempted suicide”. Suicidal Ideation however has been a very large part of my thoughts, throughout the years. (Presently, as I write this, I have not had such thoughts in quite some time.) I would consider myself, as having “Passive Suicidal Ideation”- a desire to die, without a specific plan to carry it out. Suicide, at some point in my life, became an “option”, if I could not withstand the battles of my life… I work hard to remain a survivor.
At the age of 27, I had a beautiful, curly red headed baby girl. Joy, renewal, and a vow… to raise her without abuse, harm, or as an outlet for my anger. She is 20 years old now, and I’m SO very proud, to be her Mom. (My vow to my daughter will make more sense, if you choose to read on.)
I have shared, in another post, that I journal. I have since I was very young. Looking back through some of those journals, I see a dark side in my words, helplessness, in my writing… and I recall writing those words and feelings, from those times. Pleading, and begging to have it ALL go away. I DO see a therapist presently. I’ve been to many over the years, as I seek “help” when I KNOW my thought patterns are again, shifting.
My paternal grandmother died when I was 13yrs old. She was literally my “lifeline”, as only she gave me the support, and compassion that I unknowingly sought, the years before she passed. Her passing was like the end of the world, for me. I vividly recall the middle of the night phone call, my father received… letting him know, she had died. Seeing my father cry. To this day, I am deathly afraid, of middle of the night phone calls.
After her passing, I lost a lot of weight (diagnosed as anorexic) I started “cutting” and graduated to burning. (From the MAYO clinic; ~Cutting- Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It’s typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger, and frustration. ~) (I have been in “cutting” sobriety, for many years. IT has NOT always been easy.) Depression, chronic anxiety/panic attacks… PTSD. These diagnoses did NOT just come about because of my Grandma’s passing. Her passing, and the sudden realization that my lifeline was gone, exacerbated my feelings of being empty, totally alone, unlovable and lost, and brought to the surface, the deep emotional pain, I had endured since before I was 5yrs old.
I was SO young, my relationship with my mother was very “strained’, I realized we were NOT close before I was 5. She was not afraid to shout the words, “I wish you had never been born!” My father, so much like my grandma, (his Mom) was my rock. Never was I unsure if he loved me, or was proud that I was his daughter. (I was an only child for 5 yrs before my middle sibling was born.) I felt I lived in a war zone, when my parents were together. My mother is/was very insecure, jealous, and hateful. Especially toward the relationship between my dad, and myself. She was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. (Accusations of extra-marital affairs, against my Dad, were a nightly “dinner topic”) EVERY day, I lived this. I witnessed Domestic Violence, ALL night arguing, and dysfunction, in all of its horrifying grandeur. My mother was my enemy, and I was one of her targets. * I will leave gaps of my story, as some parts; induce great panic attacks/anxiety, for me, to this day. As an example, when my Mother became enraged she would grab my hair, wrap it around her fist, clench it tightly, and RIP it out of my head. My scalp would bleed. She would laugh, and “promise” I would “get” it again. *
I was introduced to the concept of “suicide’, at the age of 4. Of course I didn’t understand it, or what it meant but my mother, used the words, “I will kill myself, and then you’ll be sorry”, to my Dad, several times during their daily/nightly arguments. My mother would make phone calls to my Dad’s work, EVERY day, tell ME what to say when the receptionist answered, and when my Dad would pick up the call, I was coached to tell him; “Daddy, you need to come home. Mommy is going to kill herself”. At first, he would. He would leave work, and come home. They would fight. I would hide.
As time went on, and my mother continued this behavior, my Dad would NO longer take the calls I was forced to make. I TOOK the brunt of those “NO longer taken phone calls”, and I feared my mother and being alone with her. This was in the early 70’s, and I was only 4/5. (I was threatened, by my mother, when I became school aged, threatened with agonizing physical repercussions, IF I ever said a word about MY home life. I never did.) My parents had 2 more daughters. My mother targeted neither of them, as I became their protector.
At 47, I am still haunted by everything I endured. (MY PTSD diagnosis) Memories get easier, but do not go away.
My mother attempted suicide, one time, which I know of. My Dad, spoke to professional’s re: my mother’s chronically abusive behaviors, and she was put on medication, evaluated, and mandated to work with a therapist. If she did not, she would’ve been placed in an “institution”. She “played” along, and NEVER was seen, as who she truly was/is. My mother continued her “targeting” of me, until I graduated HS, and moved out, 2 months later. Her behaviors toward my Dad NEVER ceased. She will be 69 in a few short weeks. 50 yrs of marriage. (My birthday candle wish, every year was; “I wish that Mom and Dad will get divorced.” It never came true.)
My Dad…, who I have spoken of proudly, IS chronically sick. He is in the hospital, with Stage 4 kidney failure, survived 3 open heart surgeries, served in Vietnam, ALWAYS saying, ” I am a soldier”… and HE endured my mother’s abuse his entire adult life. He has also been one of my strongest lifelines, and he IS going to die. He recently made his “end of life” choices. DNR is in place.
He CAN return home, to live what time he has left. He CHOSE NOT to. His reason; “I can NO longer live with your mother, or her abusive ways. I do love her BUT I am tired, and I am done”. His 3 daughters, my 2 younger sisters, and I support and accept his difficult decision. Yet, OUR hearts are broken.
Yet, I know that even the strongest soldier, one-day finds, that it’s his time to rest.
My Dad has been in Palliative Care, for just under 1 month now. I am proud of my Dad. It is the first choice he has made for himself, OVER my mother’s blatant disregard FOR his needs/wants. After 50 yrs, of “unknowingly enabling and ‘giving in’ to my mother, out of his love for her, ( and his concrete explanation of, ” Your mother is sick, I can’t leave her.”) My Dad has stood up to her.
She has told him he is selfish, abusive and has never loved her, for the choice he has now made. She has stated she will commit suicide, when he dies. *By my young adult years, I knew just how very conniving, and manipulative my mother was/ and still is. And, YES… how VERY mentally sick she’s been her entire life.*
My “wish” has now become, that MY dad lives his last days, weeks, or months, the way he chooses. He has limited the amount of visits my mother is allowed, to see him. A difficult, yet necessary decision.
AS I read your post’s @overwhelmed, and @jimhd ‘s, regarding suicide, my heart heard your feelings, thoughts, and worries. Very loudly. My OWN memories, emotions, and deepest fears surfaced. BUT I didn’t panic. I felt NOT so alone. I know, being told, “You are NOT alone” and “Feeling totally and hopelessly alone, during those times… are a battle fought, in a troubled, fragile mind. I know. I get “it”. I “hear” you. I have “felt” it.
And @johnjames, you have a truly incredible and compassionate knowledge base, filled with empathy and genuine concern. NOT only because you have studied such areas of life, but because you have lived through, witnessed, and experienced so much, as a man. A human being, beyond all else that you have become, throughout your life’s journey, thus far. Your very first post, in which you shared some very deep experiences from your military career, and as a Chaplain, drew me in, more than you may realize. Maybe, I was directed to your posts and words by something larger than myself. (I have copied and saved, many of your replies to others, and to myself, so that I can look at them, read them, and draw strength from them.) They have given me a “new” perspective, on many subjects, and for that, I’m grateful.
I seem to post in Connect when certain posts just draw me in because I truly “feel” them. Almost like, I am meant to read them. Not just in this thread but in several others, as well. And as I read them, I “feel” them because the “emotions” that they display are similar to my experiences, or I feel a need to reach out, and offer some light, in a dark moment. Because I HAVE been there, and I am sure, I will be again. Yet, I live to be as positive as I can be, see the big picture, in the smallest things, or see the simple things in the big picture, and realize that I DO have a purpose here, in this world. Even if I don’t always see it. Sometimes I feel that we don’t always see our own purpose at times because it is meant for others to see.
Dealing with suicide, suicidal ideation, cutting, etc… It is not easy. Especially, when the demons you wish to escape, come from within your darkest experiences, or thoughts. We are NOT our demons. We DO have a purpose here in life, and we ARE survivors. We must be extra gentle, yet sometimes stern, with ourselves. Nurture ourselves, yet urge ourselves to get back up.
We are the ONLY person that will be with US, every day, all of our life.
What I have shared isn’t even a quarter of my experiences. But I AM HERE. I’ve ridden the terrifying roller coaster, and I am STILL here. And no, journaling doesn’t always get rid of those feelings. Sometimes, I just want to rip the pages out… and I have.
The fall down a ladder, is easier than the climb up a ladder. YET, we have re-climbed our ladder, one rung at a time. Many times, for WE are here. We don’t have to get back to the top of OUR ladder, in one day; we just need to hang on to ONE rung, of OUR ladder, at a time. Even when, the “hanging on” part is the MOST difficult thing in the world. Sit on the rung of the ladder, even if it’s at the bottom sometimes. When you’re able, start the climb, to the next rung, don’t look all the way to the top of your ladder… just concentrate on that very next rung… getting back up is a process, NOT a race.
I see “your” purpose, in your posts…. With genuine appreciation, ~ KIM

Jump to this post

I think that’s a great idea and practice- I try to always have a note pad with me- or I use my IPONE with a note book to write things down before I forget them.I like the your idea to copy it( so I don’t forget it) as then edit it, in stead of relying on what I can’t remember at time. JJames

@safetyshield

I was born with a disability and still have it today. While I was growing up I was bullied in school for 7 years without a let up. I knew since I was disabled that the school itself did not want me there because of my disability and feel that they allowed me to be bullied without doing anything. I spent almost every other year in the hospital upto my senior year in school. I had counselors talking to me and psychological tests from what I know now were all BS. It wasn’t until my 7th grade that the same bully took to the brink of emotional fedupness. I went to the football coach and told him about my being bullied and he had the football team talk to the bully. To no avail. Than the gym teacher that was teaching me gymnastics had me demonstrate on the parallel bars for the class. From the time I got off the bars the bulling from this one child ended. Just like that. A couple of other students tried to bully me again. But once I tasted the feeling of self worth I stood up to these guys and it stopped. Through out my life I always meet an adult mostly at work and where I live who bullies me. But not wanting to go through this BS again. I just stand up to them. Not through threats but action that is good for me. I do on and off having feelings of depression. That is normal. But I will go to a friend neighbor or even go for counseling when I feel that way. No one should feel less of a person for needing help or going for help. I have not really contemplated suicide. But that is just me. I just feel that suicide for me would make those who care about me sad and the others maybe empowered. Just hanging on to there will be a tomorrow and doing what empowers me (like these conversations) and doing activities that I like to do keeps me satisfied happy and moving forward.

Jump to this post

safetyshield- does depression make up a large part of your day, or do you ever every find others at first try to things that brings happiness- which is very kind of people. But I believe most people who have never explores the heart of depression/despair. will never be able to really help people find that key that help unlock the safe that holds all the material that you don’t want to talk about – or to take it from the safe. Sometimes I’m very fearful that the amount of issues in the safe- is more than anyone can handle without judging me or no longer a friend or was looking for a way out anyway- and this gave it, jjames

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

For sure!

@safetyshield

I was born with a disability and still have it today. While I was growing up I was bullied in school for 7 years without a let up. I knew since I was disabled that the school itself did not want me there because of my disability and feel that they allowed me to be bullied without doing anything. I spent almost every other year in the hospital upto my senior year in school. I had counselors talking to me and psychological tests from what I know now were all BS. It wasn’t until my 7th grade that the same bully took to the brink of emotional fedupness. I went to the football coach and told him about my being bullied and he had the football team talk to the bully. To no avail. Than the gym teacher that was teaching me gymnastics had me demonstrate on the parallel bars for the class. From the time I got off the bars the bulling from this one child ended. Just like that. A couple of other students tried to bully me again. But once I tasted the feeling of self worth I stood up to these guys and it stopped. Through out my life I always meet an adult mostly at work and where I live who bullies me. But not wanting to go through this BS again. I just stand up to them. Not through threats but action that is good for me. I do on and off having feelings of depression. That is normal. But I will go to a friend neighbor or even go for counseling when I feel that way. No one should feel less of a person for needing help or going for help. I have not really contemplated suicide. But that is just me. I just feel that suicide for me would make those who care about me sad and the others maybe empowered. Just hanging on to there will be a tomorrow and doing what empowers me (like these conversations) and doing activities that I like to do keeps me satisfied happy and moving forward.

Jump to this post

johnjames if that was the case that you have had too experience an illness in order to treat it than there would be very few therapists. Or for that matter how can a doctor treat a patient if he has not experienced that illness. I believe that most people with an emotional illness will not at first seek out someone with the same illness but rather a friend or family member for that support that they need. It adds a little to therapy of helping people if the moderator experienced the illness that they are discussing or treating. I have found it helpful when I can empathize with a client but not always needed or asked for by either a client family or friend . It depends on what the person is looking for . As for me and depression I have been depressed but it is a normal mood. Luckily I have been able to deal with it without medication and though I have never needed medication does not mean I can not provide support to one in need

@safetyshield

I was born with a disability and still have it today. While I was growing up I was bullied in school for 7 years without a let up. I knew since I was disabled that the school itself did not want me there because of my disability and feel that they allowed me to be bullied without doing anything. I spent almost every other year in the hospital upto my senior year in school. I had counselors talking to me and psychological tests from what I know now were all BS. It wasn’t until my 7th grade that the same bully took to the brink of emotional fedupness. I went to the football coach and told him about my being bullied and he had the football team talk to the bully. To no avail. Than the gym teacher that was teaching me gymnastics had me demonstrate on the parallel bars for the class. From the time I got off the bars the bulling from this one child ended. Just like that. A couple of other students tried to bully me again. But once I tasted the feeling of self worth I stood up to these guys and it stopped. Through out my life I always meet an adult mostly at work and where I live who bullies me. But not wanting to go through this BS again. I just stand up to them. Not through threats but action that is good for me. I do on and off having feelings of depression. That is normal. But I will go to a friend neighbor or even go for counseling when I feel that way. No one should feel less of a person for needing help or going for help. I have not really contemplated suicide. But that is just me. I just feel that suicide for me would make those who care about me sad and the others maybe empowered. Just hanging on to there will be a tomorrow and doing what empowers me (like these conversations) and doing activities that I like to do keeps me satisfied happy and moving forward.

Jump to this post

Yes, there are good counselor’s that can help those in any-distress, But if I can use the military for example- If I want to talk to someone about my experiences and death- I;m only going to talk to a Vet- or Counselor who has been there and felt what we feel and the smells and bodies we deal with– someone who has never been exposed to that cannot understand what a Vet, is going through. That’s where I’m coming from- it’s the same with 90% of Police Officers- unless you are on the street with them and riding along – and get out and see what they see- you lack allot of credibility. I spend over 1 year at 9/11 at ground zero as a police chaplain and also working with many troops- My goal was to be seen- so the officers could see us ( only two swore was inside the crime scene) when we found remains we all stood together and prays- I lead the prayers-but all the officers and firemen prays as a well- I would talk openly about what they were seeing and feeling- when we eat-we eat and sleep on the ground together- that’s what makes the difference of ID- their feelings- hope this helps and makes sense. JJames

@safetyshield

I was born with a disability and still have it today. While I was growing up I was bullied in school for 7 years without a let up. I knew since I was disabled that the school itself did not want me there because of my disability and feel that they allowed me to be bullied without doing anything. I spent almost every other year in the hospital upto my senior year in school. I had counselors talking to me and psychological tests from what I know now were all BS. It wasn’t until my 7th grade that the same bully took to the brink of emotional fedupness. I went to the football coach and told him about my being bullied and he had the football team talk to the bully. To no avail. Than the gym teacher that was teaching me gymnastics had me demonstrate on the parallel bars for the class. From the time I got off the bars the bulling from this one child ended. Just like that. A couple of other students tried to bully me again. But once I tasted the feeling of self worth I stood up to these guys and it stopped. Through out my life I always meet an adult mostly at work and where I live who bullies me. But not wanting to go through this BS again. I just stand up to them. Not through threats but action that is good for me. I do on and off having feelings of depression. That is normal. But I will go to a friend neighbor or even go for counseling when I feel that way. No one should feel less of a person for needing help or going for help. I have not really contemplated suicide. But that is just me. I just feel that suicide for me would make those who care about me sad and the others maybe empowered. Just hanging on to there will be a tomorrow and doing what empowers me (like these conversations) and doing activities that I like to do keeps me satisfied happy and moving forward.

Jump to this post

There many therapists in the military and police departments that see clients that have never been out of the field. You may want to talk only to someone that had your experience and that is your choose and right but there are once again many vets and police who have seen therapists without the criteria that you had to be there to help me. Sometimes a trained counselor that has had no field experience can approach counseling in a vision that a victim or victims can not see. Sure there are support groups for vets and police in need of support from peers that is different approach all together. But both have their strengths and uses when a person is in need

Please login or register to post a reply.