I survived suicide attempts

Posted by Jim, Alumni Mentor @jimhd, Oct 6, 2016

I haven’t attempted lately, though the idea lingers. I’ve taken overdoses a number of times, and spent time in a nice facility twice. At this point, I mostly don’t want to end my life, primarily because of concern for my wife. Sometimes, when I’m in a lot of physical and emotional pain, I wish I had died.

@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

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@jimhd you can’t always control what people say about you or do. The best anyone can do is their best and to know the truth in their own minds. Haters hate Lovers love. It sounds that you are doing your best.

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

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johnjames with any illness it is easy to get depressed that is normal as you get into your norm hopefully you will feel less depressed

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Thank you for your wisdom and good advice- which I believe is the right advice from my years of marriage counseling- however he tells me if he presents that as a short term solution- she will say then don’t come back, he also said- she said to him last week when he was going through a hard recovery from coughing( from serious pneumonia -which is his forth time in a few months) and felt rejected and right down stupid- and he could not tell me why.) He seems to be lost and no one comes around but me- and he says all his true friends side with his wife- which makes matters worse.I didn’t want to get into that conversation with him about who is right or wrong. it looks like and sounds like he needs to be with a family member who cares and to let her go at this point. Your thoughts? JJAMES

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Yes, we cannot control; people- even if we lock them up- they still have the mental state of freedom in their minds…… and learn from that if they will let us in. JJAMES

Liked by safetyshield

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

If people can keep depression on a level of control; to some degree- it could be maintained for a while, but if depression ( Unchecked) can turn into despair- despair from my experience in like living in a dark hole or a place no one can see in or out, this can and does become dangerous and one can become obsesses with such negative feelings that ( Psychache) may began to hurt inside the mind and anguish can cause psychological pain- which that’s where I feel I am at this point of depression, it never ends and to say when it begins doesn’t fit into the factor- because it never ends- makes sense I pray. JJAMES

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

John, I think he’s married to a master manipulator, and uses words and threats to control others. It sounds like he’s let her get away with it for a while. I’m sure he doesn’t feel up to it, but maybe if she sees that he follows through on what he says about separation, she might change her tune. I think that before he goes back to her, she should be receiving counseling and in a support group. He needs counseling, too.

I was in the dark hole of despair for what seemed like a long time. I couldn’t see a light at the top, and felt totally hopeless. It took a long time to climb out, and then I spent some time sitting on the edge of the hole. It was probably 2 years before I got out, and another 5 or 6 years before I was really safe. I guess I’m not being much of an encouragement, am I. I’m just really tired from a long day. This afternoon, I directed the first Christmas choir rehearsal. It’s been a long time since I directed. When I’m tired, I become depressed, even though the day was good. I know that many people believe that we can just get over it, but it ain’t necessarily so. It’s not a matter of will or effort when the brain doesn’t function normally.

I understand that I can’t control what people think of me or say about me – actually, I can to some extent control what people think of me. I can’t control delusional liars, though. I doubt that they ever gave a thought to the damage they did to me.

I hope you can help your friend. He surely needs your support right now.

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

I believe if we run our thoughts and actions before God, He will make our motives clear, and if that is the case and I hope to present the truth- even with my faults- motives will win- no matter what people think or say. We can’t very often please people-no mater what we do- but we can please God just by thinking the truth and push out of our minds the displeasing words and actions.JJAMES

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Any action that he takes has to come from himself. In counseling the best action is the one that the person in need comes up with . With the support and guidance of either a friend, family member or counselor. In my experience when you give an opinion or advice to someone. The consequences can be displaced on you that could be bad. So I try not to give my opinion without lastly letting the person know that his actions are his own. It is so easy to give advice but the consequences could be terrible and out of one’s control.If as we do in this forum give advice or recommendation it is best to let the person know it is just an opinion and in know way telling anyone to do what is adviced or given. You are may be right that he should leave those people that are giving negative feelings but becareful of the consequences to all parties concern. Just my opinion

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

johnjames if people could keep depression and other mood disorders in check than they would not need medication or counseling. I am not trying to be a wise guy. But that is simply the way things are. People go through mood swings all the time and can get themselves in to a better place without medication. It is when someone can not control their mood swings than it is time to look into medical help. So to not to get worse and hurt themselves, others or property

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

I like how you own what you say

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

Just my take on the information I’ve been given. When I was at the place where I was, at the bottom of the hole, I needed help, and my wife needed help, as well. I needed to be in a safe place where people understood what was going on. I needed not to be in the place where I was kicked when I was down. I don’t think I would have survived staying where I was, and I’m grateful to my doctor and my wife and my supervisor, that they gave me a push to leave the toxic environment, and begin the process of healing.

Ultimately, it had to be my decision, though the doctor could have and would have required me to be placed in a safe setting. When we give our thoughts to others in dire circumstances, it has to be their own decision to act on any advice or opinions they’ve heard. The exception, of course, is when a person isn’t able to make a rational decision. Then, the law requires that certain people must report any abuse or any danger of a person hurting themselves or others. I don’t know if a moderator of this site has a legal obligation to take any action, or if they are liable if something happens that they were aware of and didn’t report. Because I’m an ordained minister, and if I’m counseling someone in my office, I fall under the category of mandatory reporter. But I wouldn’t think that an online support group would be in that category. If they were, we’d all be afraid to be open and honest with the truth about what we’re facing. Just my own thoughts. I’m here because I need help and support, certainly not to be a counselor.

When I admitted myself to the safe facility, I asked the staff not to reveal my vocation, and it was great to be just part of a group of suicide attempt survivors. That was great until a group session leader asked me what my profession was, and wouldn’t let it go until I answered her. That immediately changed the dynamics of my place in the group, and all of the sudden, I was seen by some as a person who would listen to their personal problems. I know that slowed the process of recovery for me.

Sorry for going on about my problems. Y’all don’t need to know all of my garbage. But thanks for letting me be here. Dealing with suicidal thoughts is such an intense struggle, as many of you know.

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@colleenyoung

Thank you Jim for starting this frank and honest discussion about suicidal thoughts. I’m inviting @overwhelmed @johnjames @bbams and @safetyshield to join you here.
It is reassuring to hear that you don’t want to end your life and that you have a solid reason (your wife) for not doing it. When the physical and emotional pain becomes unbearable, how do you keep yourself from the brink?

Jump to this post

@safetyshield, I guess that some people can get control of their mood swings. Actually, I should say that I know that people do so. Mood swings are in a very different category than major depression, also called chronic or clinical depression. A person who suffers from major depression, for the most part, can’t get control just by thinking or willing or determination. They (we) need the help of therapy and/or medication. The most successful is a combination of the two. I only wish that it were as easy as willing it away or as easy as positive thinking, or praying it away. If it were, I wouldn’t still be taking Bupropion, and though I take Clonazepam and Cymbalta for other reasons, they would be expected to have a positive effect on depression. My pcp recommended at my last appointment that I find a therapist again, and soon. I haven’t yet done so, mainly because there are none who take Medicare.

When I started taking Celexa, long ago, I had told my doctor that I recognized that my symptoms could indicate depression, but I wanted to rule out other organic problems. Along the way, I found that I had sleep apnea, a gallbladder that wasn’t working, and needed nasal surgery. I felt so much better after dealing with those things, for awhile, but then it became clear that I was dealing with depression, as well. This was something not as easily treatable as a non-functioning gallbladder. I hope some day to be in a better place than I am now.

Liked by safetyshield

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@kimsworld

I’ve been watching and reading this thread, since it started. Until now, I have only thought about replying or adding to it. I suppose in part because I’ve never “attempted suicide”. Suicidal Ideation however has been a very large part of my thoughts, throughout the years. (Presently, as I write this, I have not had such thoughts in quite some time.) I would consider myself, as having “Passive Suicidal Ideation”- a desire to die, without a specific plan to carry it out. Suicide, at some point in my life, became an “option”, if I could not withstand the battles of my life… I work hard to remain a survivor.
At the age of 27, I had a beautiful, curly red headed baby girl. Joy, renewal, and a vow… to raise her without abuse, harm, or as an outlet for my anger. She is 20 years old now, and I’m SO very proud, to be her Mom. (My vow to my daughter will make more sense, if you choose to read on.)
I have shared, in another post, that I journal. I have since I was very young. Looking back through some of those journals, I see a dark side in my words, helplessness, in my writing… and I recall writing those words and feelings, from those times. Pleading, and begging to have it ALL go away. I DO see a therapist presently. I’ve been to many over the years, as I seek “help” when I KNOW my thought patterns are again, shifting.
My paternal grandmother died when I was 13yrs old. She was literally my “lifeline”, as only she gave me the support, and compassion that I unknowingly sought, the years before she passed. Her passing was like the end of the world, for me. I vividly recall the middle of the night phone call, my father received… letting him know, she had died. Seeing my father cry. To this day, I am deathly afraid, of middle of the night phone calls.
After her passing, I lost a lot of weight (diagnosed as anorexic) I started “cutting” and graduated to burning. (From the MAYO clinic; ~Cutting- Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It’s typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger, and frustration. ~) (I have been in “cutting” sobriety, for many years. IT has NOT always been easy.) Depression, chronic anxiety/panic attacks… PTSD. These diagnoses did NOT just come about because of my Grandma’s passing. Her passing, and the sudden realization that my lifeline was gone, exacerbated my feelings of being empty, totally alone, unlovable and lost, and brought to the surface, the deep emotional pain, I had endured since before I was 5yrs old.
I was SO young, my relationship with my mother was very “strained’, I realized we were NOT close before I was 5. She was not afraid to shout the words, “I wish you had never been born!” My father, so much like my grandma, (his Mom) was my rock. Never was I unsure if he loved me, or was proud that I was his daughter. (I was an only child for 5 yrs before my middle sibling was born.) I felt I lived in a war zone, when my parents were together. My mother is/was very insecure, jealous, and hateful. Especially toward the relationship between my dad, and myself. She was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. (Accusations of extra-marital affairs, against my Dad, were a nightly “dinner topic”) EVERY day, I lived this. I witnessed Domestic Violence, ALL night arguing, and dysfunction, in all of its horrifying grandeur. My mother was my enemy, and I was one of her targets. * I will leave gaps of my story, as some parts; induce great panic attacks/anxiety, for me, to this day. As an example, when my Mother became enraged she would grab my hair, wrap it around her fist, clench it tightly, and RIP it out of my head. My scalp would bleed. She would laugh, and “promise” I would “get” it again. *
I was introduced to the concept of “suicide’, at the age of 4. Of course I didn’t understand it, or what it meant but my mother, used the words, “I will kill myself, and then you’ll be sorry”, to my Dad, several times during their daily/nightly arguments. My mother would make phone calls to my Dad’s work, EVERY day, tell ME what to say when the receptionist answered, and when my Dad would pick up the call, I was coached to tell him; “Daddy, you need to come home. Mommy is going to kill herself”. At first, he would. He would leave work, and come home. They would fight. I would hide.
As time went on, and my mother continued this behavior, my Dad would NO longer take the calls I was forced to make. I TOOK the brunt of those “NO longer taken phone calls”, and I feared my mother and being alone with her. This was in the early 70’s, and I was only 4/5. (I was threatened, by my mother, when I became school aged, threatened with agonizing physical repercussions, IF I ever said a word about MY home life. I never did.) My parents had 2 more daughters. My mother targeted neither of them, as I became their protector.
At 47, I am still haunted by everything I endured. (MY PTSD diagnosis) Memories get easier, but do not go away.
My mother attempted suicide, one time, which I know of. My Dad, spoke to professional’s re: my mother’s chronically abusive behaviors, and she was put on medication, evaluated, and mandated to work with a therapist. If she did not, she would’ve been placed in an “institution”. She “played” along, and NEVER was seen, as who she truly was/is. My mother continued her “targeting” of me, until I graduated HS, and moved out, 2 months later. Her behaviors toward my Dad NEVER ceased. She will be 69 in a few short weeks. 50 yrs of marriage. (My birthday candle wish, every year was; “I wish that Mom and Dad will get divorced.” It never came true.)
My Dad…, who I have spoken of proudly, IS chronically sick. He is in the hospital, with Stage 4 kidney failure, survived 3 open heart surgeries, served in Vietnam, ALWAYS saying, ” I am a soldier”… and HE endured my mother’s abuse his entire adult life. He has also been one of my strongest lifelines, and he IS going to die. He recently made his “end of life” choices. DNR is in place.
He CAN return home, to live what time he has left. He CHOSE NOT to. His reason; “I can NO longer live with your mother, or her abusive ways. I do love her BUT I am tired, and I am done”. His 3 daughters, my 2 younger sisters, and I support and accept his difficult decision. Yet, OUR hearts are broken.
Yet, I know that even the strongest soldier, one-day finds, that it’s his time to rest.
My Dad has been in Palliative Care, for just under 1 month now. I am proud of my Dad. It is the first choice he has made for himself, OVER my mother’s blatant disregard FOR his needs/wants. After 50 yrs, of “unknowingly enabling and ‘giving in’ to my mother, out of his love for her, ( and his concrete explanation of, ” Your mother is sick, I can’t leave her.”) My Dad has stood up to her.
She has told him he is selfish, abusive and has never loved her, for the choice he has now made. She has stated she will commit suicide, when he dies. *By my young adult years, I knew just how very conniving, and manipulative my mother was/ and still is. And, YES… how VERY mentally sick she’s been her entire life.*
My “wish” has now become, that MY dad lives his last days, weeks, or months, the way he chooses. He has limited the amount of visits my mother is allowed, to see him. A difficult, yet necessary decision.
AS I read your post’s @overwhelmed, and @jimhd ‘s, regarding suicide, my heart heard your feelings, thoughts, and worries. Very loudly. My OWN memories, emotions, and deepest fears surfaced. BUT I didn’t panic. I felt NOT so alone. I know, being told, “You are NOT alone” and “Feeling totally and hopelessly alone, during those times… are a battle fought, in a troubled, fragile mind. I know. I get “it”. I “hear” you. I have “felt” it.
And @johnjames, you have a truly incredible and compassionate knowledge base, filled with empathy and genuine concern. NOT only because you have studied such areas of life, but because you have lived through, witnessed, and experienced so much, as a man. A human being, beyond all else that you have become, throughout your life’s journey, thus far. Your very first post, in which you shared some very deep experiences from your military career, and as a Chaplain, drew me in, more than you may realize. Maybe, I was directed to your posts and words by something larger than myself. (I have copied and saved, many of your replies to others, and to myself, so that I can look at them, read them, and draw strength from them.) They have given me a “new” perspective, on many subjects, and for that, I’m grateful.
I seem to post in Connect when certain posts just draw me in because I truly “feel” them. Almost like, I am meant to read them. Not just in this thread but in several others, as well. And as I read them, I “feel” them because the “emotions” that they display are similar to my experiences, or I feel a need to reach out, and offer some light, in a dark moment. Because I HAVE been there, and I am sure, I will be again. Yet, I live to be as positive as I can be, see the big picture, in the smallest things, or see the simple things in the big picture, and realize that I DO have a purpose here, in this world. Even if I don’t always see it. Sometimes I feel that we don’t always see our own purpose at times because it is meant for others to see.
Dealing with suicide, suicidal ideation, cutting, etc… It is not easy. Especially, when the demons you wish to escape, come from within your darkest experiences, or thoughts. We are NOT our demons. We DO have a purpose here in life, and we ARE survivors. We must be extra gentle, yet sometimes stern, with ourselves. Nurture ourselves, yet urge ourselves to get back up.
We are the ONLY person that will be with US, every day, all of our life.
What I have shared isn’t even a quarter of my experiences. But I AM HERE. I’ve ridden the terrifying roller coaster, and I am STILL here. And no, journaling doesn’t always get rid of those feelings. Sometimes, I just want to rip the pages out… and I have.
The fall down a ladder, is easier than the climb up a ladder. YET, we have re-climbed our ladder, one rung at a time. Many times, for WE are here. We don’t have to get back to the top of OUR ladder, in one day; we just need to hang on to ONE rung, of OUR ladder, at a time. Even when, the “hanging on” part is the MOST difficult thing in the world. Sit on the rung of the ladder, even if it’s at the bottom sometimes. When you’re able, start the climb, to the next rung, don’t look all the way to the top of your ladder… just concentrate on that very next rung… getting back up is a process, NOT a race.
I see “your” purpose, in your posts…. With genuine appreciation, ~ KIM

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I am not quite sure where to put this reply, so I am going to add it here. I have been following this thread, and have had such wonderful words given to me from many of you. @jimhd and @johnjames, I have exchanged replies with both of you caring men, so I guess leaving a reply here, makes the most sense.
And, to the other wonderful people that have been following, or adding to this thread… or that have replied to me or others here, or under other forum threads, I’ve written under. This post I have chosen to share, with you all…
I have spoken a bit about my Dad, his illnesses, and the choices he had recently made for “end of life”. I shared he had been placed under Hospice care.
With great sorrow, and a pain-filled heart… I want to share, that this past Sunday, October 23, 2016, @ 9:10am, my most remarkable, loving and courageous Daddy, passed on. At the age of 71.
He went peacefully, in his sleep. He was called home.
His Hospice nurse, a most wonderful man, named Jim, was with him. My family did not have time to make it to the hospital, before my Dad passed on. Jim has told us, that he truly believes, that my Dad, with his strong will, left his earthly home before we made it to the hospital because he had wanted us all to be “safe”… (Jim’s view is that my Dad passed peacefully, knowing that those he loved most, were at home, and would not be at the hospital to see him pass, and have to drive home, after dealing with his passing on.)
As I heard those words, I believed them… that is how my Dad was… always looking after ‘us”, his children, wife… and others. My Dad’s words of;
“I love you very much, honey. Drive safe.” filled my head, as I thought of all the times I had visited my parents, and would be getting ready to go home afterwards. My Dad would ask me to “text him” when I got home, or I would get the “Daddy text”, just moments after I reached home.
Yet, it is all SO surreal. Being that it has only been 2 days, I suppose, that feeling that way is normal. Yet, I do not like feeling this way.
I am not angry. I am not in denial… 2 of the Grief charts processes of dealing with the loss of a loved one… actually, I don’t believe I fit any of the stages… maybe I will, as the following days, weeks, months arrive… or maybe I wont. I am sure; no one truly knows that answer.
Ironically, almost 2 weeks before, I had called my counselor… I was having such a difficult day, hurt, sad… and I had set up an appointment, for my daughter and myself, to meet with her. My counselor offered to see me that very day, yet I declined. She was to be out-of-town, the week of the 17th, but I knew I was able to wait. She hesitantly agreed, and checked on me, before her trip.
In my deepest core, I somehow knew that my Dad would pass on, near the end of those 2 weeks. At the time of my call, my counselor let me set up the appt. She moved her schedule around, to accommodate my plea, to see her on October 24th… yesterday.
NO one had given us a “timeline” or a set day, that my Dad would pass on… they couldn’t. Yet, I just somehow… knew. 10/24 is also my Mother’s birthday, she turned 69.
My relationship, with my Mother has always been tainted, to say the least, yet, my daughter and I spent the entire afternoon with her, the day my Dad passed on. For the “first” time, in I can’t even recall how long, my Mother and I spent quality time together. No ill feelings, animosity, or angst… We were a daughter, who lost her Daddy, after 47.5 yrs of having him in her life, and a mother, who had just lost her husband, of 50 years. Loving each other. I am trying NOT to question “why”, or “how” we seemed to have passed, the barrier, of all those years of hurt, (we even discussed much of the past between her and me) and spent a loving, supportive, tear-filled, laughter mingled day.. Talking about the man, we had in common. Celebrating him, not mourning him. Like a “gift” from my Dad… left for just my Mother, and I. My daughter was there watching, and listening. She knows of much of my past with my Mother…
To my Dad, those 2 women, my daughter, and my mother, will always be, his “2 most favorite red-heads”.
At my counseling appointment yesterday, my daughter and I spoke of how we were, how we felt… I felt calm. My daughter is not as “open”, and I tend to worry about her being an “emotional stuffer”… and she was as well, at our appt. My counselor assessed us as “being in shock”. No. No, I disagree. After watching, researching his diagnoses, and being with my Dad, these past 25 years, since he was first diagnosed, at 46… He underwent so many trial treatments, took 24 different medications a day… 3x open-heart surgeries… a defib, heart attacks… etc. I am NOT in shock.
I am NOT sure how I feel… relief, he is no longer in pain, proud, to be his daughter…many emotions mixed together.
I know I hurt. I awoke this morning crying. I am sure I will again. My anxiety/panic attacks, I have been beating back with a stick… and being prone to depression, I am aware it could strike… I have shared I am a cutter, and a burner… yet, I feel no desire or urge to do so… My “sobriety” from that behavior was a long and terrifying journey. One far worse, than facing the reality that my Dad has passed on… BUT yes, I hurt.
I needed/wanted, to share this part of my life’s journey, with the Connect group. Maybe reaching out, sharing… looking for support… I am not sure. I DO know, that my heart has been touched by many of you here, your stories I have read, your advice I have saved, and how I’ve related, to SO many of you.. A “safe” place… where I can just be, “me”.
There are TWO realizations that I have come to, in the weeks leading to my Dad’s passing… probably the 2 things that will bother me the most, until I figure out what to do with them…
“To my Dad, all of us around him, those he put before himself, loved and nurtured, WE were his world. To US, those that love him, looked to him for support and guidance, a smile, or a life lesson, HE was the CENTER of our world.”

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@kimsworld

I’ve been watching and reading this thread, since it started. Until now, I have only thought about replying or adding to it. I suppose in part because I’ve never “attempted suicide”. Suicidal Ideation however has been a very large part of my thoughts, throughout the years. (Presently, as I write this, I have not had such thoughts in quite some time.) I would consider myself, as having “Passive Suicidal Ideation”- a desire to die, without a specific plan to carry it out. Suicide, at some point in my life, became an “option”, if I could not withstand the battles of my life… I work hard to remain a survivor.
At the age of 27, I had a beautiful, curly red headed baby girl. Joy, renewal, and a vow… to raise her without abuse, harm, or as an outlet for my anger. She is 20 years old now, and I’m SO very proud, to be her Mom. (My vow to my daughter will make more sense, if you choose to read on.)
I have shared, in another post, that I journal. I have since I was very young. Looking back through some of those journals, I see a dark side in my words, helplessness, in my writing… and I recall writing those words and feelings, from those times. Pleading, and begging to have it ALL go away. I DO see a therapist presently. I’ve been to many over the years, as I seek “help” when I KNOW my thought patterns are again, shifting.
My paternal grandmother died when I was 13yrs old. She was literally my “lifeline”, as only she gave me the support, and compassion that I unknowingly sought, the years before she passed. Her passing was like the end of the world, for me. I vividly recall the middle of the night phone call, my father received… letting him know, she had died. Seeing my father cry. To this day, I am deathly afraid, of middle of the night phone calls.
After her passing, I lost a lot of weight (diagnosed as anorexic) I started “cutting” and graduated to burning. (From the MAYO clinic; ~Cutting- Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It’s typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger, and frustration. ~) (I have been in “cutting” sobriety, for many years. IT has NOT always been easy.) Depression, chronic anxiety/panic attacks… PTSD. These diagnoses did NOT just come about because of my Grandma’s passing. Her passing, and the sudden realization that my lifeline was gone, exacerbated my feelings of being empty, totally alone, unlovable and lost, and brought to the surface, the deep emotional pain, I had endured since before I was 5yrs old.
I was SO young, my relationship with my mother was very “strained’, I realized we were NOT close before I was 5. She was not afraid to shout the words, “I wish you had never been born!” My father, so much like my grandma, (his Mom) was my rock. Never was I unsure if he loved me, or was proud that I was his daughter. (I was an only child for 5 yrs before my middle sibling was born.) I felt I lived in a war zone, when my parents were together. My mother is/was very insecure, jealous, and hateful. Especially toward the relationship between my dad, and myself. She was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. (Accusations of extra-marital affairs, against my Dad, were a nightly “dinner topic”) EVERY day, I lived this. I witnessed Domestic Violence, ALL night arguing, and dysfunction, in all of its horrifying grandeur. My mother was my enemy, and I was one of her targets. * I will leave gaps of my story, as some parts; induce great panic attacks/anxiety, for me, to this day. As an example, when my Mother became enraged she would grab my hair, wrap it around her fist, clench it tightly, and RIP it out of my head. My scalp would bleed. She would laugh, and “promise” I would “get” it again. *
I was introduced to the concept of “suicide’, at the age of 4. Of course I didn’t understand it, or what it meant but my mother, used the words, “I will kill myself, and then you’ll be sorry”, to my Dad, several times during their daily/nightly arguments. My mother would make phone calls to my Dad’s work, EVERY day, tell ME what to say when the receptionist answered, and when my Dad would pick up the call, I was coached to tell him; “Daddy, you need to come home. Mommy is going to kill herself”. At first, he would. He would leave work, and come home. They would fight. I would hide.
As time went on, and my mother continued this behavior, my Dad would NO longer take the calls I was forced to make. I TOOK the brunt of those “NO longer taken phone calls”, and I feared my mother and being alone with her. This was in the early 70’s, and I was only 4/5. (I was threatened, by my mother, when I became school aged, threatened with agonizing physical repercussions, IF I ever said a word about MY home life. I never did.) My parents had 2 more daughters. My mother targeted neither of them, as I became their protector.
At 47, I am still haunted by everything I endured. (MY PTSD diagnosis) Memories get easier, but do not go away.
My mother attempted suicide, one time, which I know of. My Dad, spoke to professional’s re: my mother’s chronically abusive behaviors, and she was put on medication, evaluated, and mandated to work with a therapist. If she did not, she would’ve been placed in an “institution”. She “played” along, and NEVER was seen, as who she truly was/is. My mother continued her “targeting” of me, until I graduated HS, and moved out, 2 months later. Her behaviors toward my Dad NEVER ceased. She will be 69 in a few short weeks. 50 yrs of marriage. (My birthday candle wish, every year was; “I wish that Mom and Dad will get divorced.” It never came true.)
My Dad…, who I have spoken of proudly, IS chronically sick. He is in the hospital, with Stage 4 kidney failure, survived 3 open heart surgeries, served in Vietnam, ALWAYS saying, ” I am a soldier”… and HE endured my mother’s abuse his entire adult life. He has also been one of my strongest lifelines, and he IS going to die. He recently made his “end of life” choices. DNR is in place.
He CAN return home, to live what time he has left. He CHOSE NOT to. His reason; “I can NO longer live with your mother, or her abusive ways. I do love her BUT I am tired, and I am done”. His 3 daughters, my 2 younger sisters, and I support and accept his difficult decision. Yet, OUR hearts are broken.
Yet, I know that even the strongest soldier, one-day finds, that it’s his time to rest.
My Dad has been in Palliative Care, for just under 1 month now. I am proud of my Dad. It is the first choice he has made for himself, OVER my mother’s blatant disregard FOR his needs/wants. After 50 yrs, of “unknowingly enabling and ‘giving in’ to my mother, out of his love for her, ( and his concrete explanation of, ” Your mother is sick, I can’t leave her.”) My Dad has stood up to her.
She has told him he is selfish, abusive and has never loved her, for the choice he has now made. She has stated she will commit suicide, when he dies. *By my young adult years, I knew just how very conniving, and manipulative my mother was/ and still is. And, YES… how VERY mentally sick she’s been her entire life.*
My “wish” has now become, that MY dad lives his last days, weeks, or months, the way he chooses. He has limited the amount of visits my mother is allowed, to see him. A difficult, yet necessary decision.
AS I read your post’s @overwhelmed, and @jimhd ‘s, regarding suicide, my heart heard your feelings, thoughts, and worries. Very loudly. My OWN memories, emotions, and deepest fears surfaced. BUT I didn’t panic. I felt NOT so alone. I know, being told, “You are NOT alone” and “Feeling totally and hopelessly alone, during those times… are a battle fought, in a troubled, fragile mind. I know. I get “it”. I “hear” you. I have “felt” it.
And @johnjames, you have a truly incredible and compassionate knowledge base, filled with empathy and genuine concern. NOT only because you have studied such areas of life, but because you have lived through, witnessed, and experienced so much, as a man. A human being, beyond all else that you have become, throughout your life’s journey, thus far. Your very first post, in which you shared some very deep experiences from your military career, and as a Chaplain, drew me in, more than you may realize. Maybe, I was directed to your posts and words by something larger than myself. (I have copied and saved, many of your replies to others, and to myself, so that I can look at them, read them, and draw strength from them.) They have given me a “new” perspective, on many subjects, and for that, I’m grateful.
I seem to post in Connect when certain posts just draw me in because I truly “feel” them. Almost like, I am meant to read them. Not just in this thread but in several others, as well. And as I read them, I “feel” them because the “emotions” that they display are similar to my experiences, or I feel a need to reach out, and offer some light, in a dark moment. Because I HAVE been there, and I am sure, I will be again. Yet, I live to be as positive as I can be, see the big picture, in the smallest things, or see the simple things in the big picture, and realize that I DO have a purpose here, in this world. Even if I don’t always see it. Sometimes I feel that we don’t always see our own purpose at times because it is meant for others to see.
Dealing with suicide, suicidal ideation, cutting, etc… It is not easy. Especially, when the demons you wish to escape, come from within your darkest experiences, or thoughts. We are NOT our demons. We DO have a purpose here in life, and we ARE survivors. We must be extra gentle, yet sometimes stern, with ourselves. Nurture ourselves, yet urge ourselves to get back up.
We are the ONLY person that will be with US, every day, all of our life.
What I have shared isn’t even a quarter of my experiences. But I AM HERE. I’ve ridden the terrifying roller coaster, and I am STILL here. And no, journaling doesn’t always get rid of those feelings. Sometimes, I just want to rip the pages out… and I have.
The fall down a ladder, is easier than the climb up a ladder. YET, we have re-climbed our ladder, one rung at a time. Many times, for WE are here. We don’t have to get back to the top of OUR ladder, in one day; we just need to hang on to ONE rung, of OUR ladder, at a time. Even when, the “hanging on” part is the MOST difficult thing in the world. Sit on the rung of the ladder, even if it’s at the bottom sometimes. When you’re able, start the climb, to the next rung, don’t look all the way to the top of your ladder… just concentrate on that very next rung… getting back up is a process, NOT a race.
I see “your” purpose, in your posts…. With genuine appreciation, ~ KIM

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@colleenyoung
Hi..I somehow seemed to have reported my own post. ?? Reported by me, or the site itself, I’m not sure.
I am unable to add the last part of my original post, and I tried where you see the next post that just says; CONT..
Any advice? I’d like to complete my post, and unreport myself..lol 🙂 Thank you.. Officially, Technically Borked. ~ Kim
——————————————————————————————————-

REPLY
@kimsworld

I’ve been watching and reading this thread, since it started. Until now, I have only thought about replying or adding to it. I suppose in part because I’ve never “attempted suicide”. Suicidal Ideation however has been a very large part of my thoughts, throughout the years. (Presently, as I write this, I have not had such thoughts in quite some time.) I would consider myself, as having “Passive Suicidal Ideation”- a desire to die, without a specific plan to carry it out. Suicide, at some point in my life, became an “option”, if I could not withstand the battles of my life… I work hard to remain a survivor.
At the age of 27, I had a beautiful, curly red headed baby girl. Joy, renewal, and a vow… to raise her without abuse, harm, or as an outlet for my anger. She is 20 years old now, and I’m SO very proud, to be her Mom. (My vow to my daughter will make more sense, if you choose to read on.)
I have shared, in another post, that I journal. I have since I was very young. Looking back through some of those journals, I see a dark side in my words, helplessness, in my writing… and I recall writing those words and feelings, from those times. Pleading, and begging to have it ALL go away. I DO see a therapist presently. I’ve been to many over the years, as I seek “help” when I KNOW my thought patterns are again, shifting.
My paternal grandmother died when I was 13yrs old. She was literally my “lifeline”, as only she gave me the support, and compassion that I unknowingly sought, the years before she passed. Her passing was like the end of the world, for me. I vividly recall the middle of the night phone call, my father received… letting him know, she had died. Seeing my father cry. To this day, I am deathly afraid, of middle of the night phone calls.
After her passing, I lost a lot of weight (diagnosed as anorexic) I started “cutting” and graduated to burning. (From the MAYO clinic; ~Cutting- Nonsuicidal self-injury, often simply called self-injury, is the act of deliberately harming the surface of your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It’s typically not meant as a suicide attempt. Rather, this type of self-injury is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger, and frustration. ~) (I have been in “cutting” sobriety, for many years. IT has NOT always been easy.) Depression, chronic anxiety/panic attacks… PTSD. These diagnoses did NOT just come about because of my Grandma’s passing. Her passing, and the sudden realization that my lifeline was gone, exacerbated my feelings of being empty, totally alone, unlovable and lost, and brought to the surface, the deep emotional pain, I had endured since before I was 5yrs old.
I was SO young, my relationship with my mother was very “strained’, I realized we were NOT close before I was 5. She was not afraid to shout the words, “I wish you had never been born!” My father, so much like my grandma, (his Mom) was my rock. Never was I unsure if he loved me, or was proud that I was his daughter. (I was an only child for 5 yrs before my middle sibling was born.) I felt I lived in a war zone, when my parents were together. My mother is/was very insecure, jealous, and hateful. Especially toward the relationship between my dad, and myself. She was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. (Accusations of extra-marital affairs, against my Dad, were a nightly “dinner topic”) EVERY day, I lived this. I witnessed Domestic Violence, ALL night arguing, and dysfunction, in all of its horrifying grandeur. My mother was my enemy, and I was one of her targets. * I will leave gaps of my story, as some parts; induce great panic attacks/anxiety, for me, to this day. As an example, when my Mother became enraged she would grab my hair, wrap it around her fist, clench it tightly, and RIP it out of my head. My scalp would bleed. She would laugh, and “promise” I would “get” it again. *
I was introduced to the concept of “suicide’, at the age of 4. Of course I didn’t understand it, or what it meant but my mother, used the words, “I will kill myself, and then you’ll be sorry”, to my Dad, several times during their daily/nightly arguments. My mother would make phone calls to my Dad’s work, EVERY day, tell ME what to say when the receptionist answered, and when my Dad would pick up the call, I was coached to tell him; “Daddy, you need to come home. Mommy is going to kill herself”. At first, he would. He would leave work, and come home. They would fight. I would hide.
As time went on, and my mother continued this behavior, my Dad would NO longer take the calls I was forced to make. I TOOK the brunt of those “NO longer taken phone calls”, and I feared my mother and being alone with her. This was in the early 70’s, and I was only 4/5. (I was threatened, by my mother, when I became school aged, threatened with agonizing physical repercussions, IF I ever said a word about MY home life. I never did.) My parents had 2 more daughters. My mother targeted neither of them, as I became their protector.
At 47, I am still haunted by everything I endured. (MY PTSD diagnosis) Memories get easier, but do not go away.
My mother attempted suicide, one time, which I know of. My Dad, spoke to professional’s re: my mother’s chronically abusive behaviors, and she was put on medication, evaluated, and mandated to work with a therapist. If she did not, she would’ve been placed in an “institution”. She “played” along, and NEVER was seen, as who she truly was/is. My mother continued her “targeting” of me, until I graduated HS, and moved out, 2 months later. Her behaviors toward my Dad NEVER ceased. She will be 69 in a few short weeks. 50 yrs of marriage. (My birthday candle wish, every year was; “I wish that Mom and Dad will get divorced.” It never came true.)
My Dad…, who I have spoken of proudly, IS chronically sick. He is in the hospital, with Stage 4 kidney failure, survived 3 open heart surgeries, served in Vietnam, ALWAYS saying, ” I am a soldier”… and HE endured my mother’s abuse his entire adult life. He has also been one of my strongest lifelines, and he IS going to die. He recently made his “end of life” choices. DNR is in place.
He CAN return home, to live what time he has left. He CHOSE NOT to. His reason; “I can NO longer live with your mother, or her abusive ways. I do love her BUT I am tired, and I am done”. His 3 daughters, my 2 younger sisters, and I support and accept his difficult decision. Yet, OUR hearts are broken.
Yet, I know that even the strongest soldier, one-day finds, that it’s his time to rest.
My Dad has been in Palliative Care, for just under 1 month now. I am proud of my Dad. It is the first choice he has made for himself, OVER my mother’s blatant disregard FOR his needs/wants. After 50 yrs, of “unknowingly enabling and ‘giving in’ to my mother, out of his love for her, ( and his concrete explanation of, ” Your mother is sick, I can’t leave her.”) My Dad has stood up to her.
She has told him he is selfish, abusive and has never loved her, for the choice he has now made. She has stated she will commit suicide, when he dies. *By my young adult years, I knew just how very conniving, and manipulative my mother was/ and still is. And, YES… how VERY mentally sick she’s been her entire life.*
My “wish” has now become, that MY dad lives his last days, weeks, or months, the way he chooses. He has limited the amount of visits my mother is allowed, to see him. A difficult, yet necessary decision.
AS I read your post’s @overwhelmed, and @jimhd ‘s, regarding suicide, my heart heard your feelings, thoughts, and worries. Very loudly. My OWN memories, emotions, and deepest fears surfaced. BUT I didn’t panic. I felt NOT so alone. I know, being told, “You are NOT alone” and “Feeling totally and hopelessly alone, during those times… are a battle fought, in a troubled, fragile mind. I know. I get “it”. I “hear” you. I have “felt” it.
And @johnjames, you have a truly incredible and compassionate knowledge base, filled with empathy and genuine concern. NOT only because you have studied such areas of life, but because you have lived through, witnessed, and experienced so much, as a man. A human being, beyond all else that you have become, throughout your life’s journey, thus far. Your very first post, in which you shared some very deep experiences from your military career, and as a Chaplain, drew me in, more than you may realize. Maybe, I was directed to your posts and words by something larger than myself. (I have copied and saved, many of your replies to others, and to myself, so that I can look at them, read them, and draw strength from them.) They have given me a “new” perspective, on many subjects, and for that, I’m grateful.
I seem to post in Connect when certain posts just draw me in because I truly “feel” them. Almost like, I am meant to read them. Not just in this thread but in several others, as well. And as I read them, I “feel” them because the “emotions” that they display are similar to my experiences, or I feel a need to reach out, and offer some light, in a dark moment. Because I HAVE been there, and I am sure, I will be again. Yet, I live to be as positive as I can be, see the big picture, in the smallest things, or see the simple things in the big picture, and realize that I DO have a purpose here, in this world. Even if I don’t always see it. Sometimes I feel that we don’t always see our own purpose at times because it is meant for others to see.
Dealing with suicide, suicidal ideation, cutting, etc… It is not easy. Especially, when the demons you wish to escape, come from within your darkest experiences, or thoughts. We are NOT our demons. We DO have a purpose here in life, and we ARE survivors. We must be extra gentle, yet sometimes stern, with ourselves. Nurture ourselves, yet urge ourselves to get back up.
We are the ONLY person that will be with US, every day, all of our life.
What I have shared isn’t even a quarter of my experiences. But I AM HERE. I’ve ridden the terrifying roller coaster, and I am STILL here. And no, journaling doesn’t always get rid of those feelings. Sometimes, I just want to rip the pages out… and I have.
The fall down a ladder, is easier than the climb up a ladder. YET, we have re-climbed our ladder, one rung at a time. Many times, for WE are here. We don’t have to get back to the top of OUR ladder, in one day; we just need to hang on to ONE rung, of OUR ladder, at a time. Even when, the “hanging on” part is the MOST difficult thing in the world. Sit on the rung of the ladder, even if it’s at the bottom sometimes. When you’re able, start the climb, to the next rung, don’t look all the way to the top of your ladder… just concentrate on that very next rung… getting back up is a process, NOT a race.
I see “your” purpose, in your posts…. With genuine appreciation, ~ KIM

Jump to this post

Oh gosh @kimsworld that is quite the feat 🙂 I deleted the CONT… post that you started (and reported). Why don’t you reply to the post that you wanted to continue and complete it there. Then I will remove this post and the post where you told me about the unintentional flag, so they won’t interrupt the flow of your 2 messages. Make sense?

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