1. < Caregivers: Dementia
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Husband with dementia has a new girlfriend

Posted by centre @centre, May 3 8:30am

The staff of my husband’s assistive living (and other residents) have informed me this week, that my husband, with vascular dementia, has developed a romantic relationship with a new lady resident, who also has dementia. Everyone was “very careful” about this news. I quickly took the “Sandra Day O’Connor” route, which I truly believe, that humanity is humanity, if they feel comfort with each other, so what. It’s the job of the facility to monitor behavior and intervene, as appropriate. Her family can address whatever, however they want.
BUT, my husband knows me, knows we’re married, etc. I’m happy for him to have found connection, but this is making me sad, one more loss on this journey. I need some encouragement from Connect friends.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

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centre | @centre | May 9 6:50am
In reply to @memoriestomoments "Thank you for your kind acknowledgement. It is great to hear it was helpful. Sometimes as..." + (show)
Profile picture for memoriestomoments @memoriestomoments

Thank you for your kind acknowledgement. It is great to hear it was helpful. Sometimes as a new member of the group, I write with the fear that I may strike the wrong note, especially given the very sensitive topics we cover.
It is wonderful to find that the members of the group are so open. It seems that everyone assumes good intent, and that enables us to offer and benefit from diverse perspectives and experiences.
All the best to you.

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@memoriestomoments I’m the original poster, I’m late responding as I’ve taken time to read and reread your post. It speaks such truth and comfort. I’ve thought a lot about your three steps and I’ve found reminding myself of them helps me stay centered and calm with this challenge and other challenges presenting themselves. Thanks so much for taking the time to write.

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lulululu | @lulululu | May 10 5:05pm

I am sure being a friend to both is probably the healthiest way to approach it but having infidelity in my marriage I am not sure I could handle it. The logic and emotion would be too much after my spouses double life.

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trishaanderson | @trishaanderson | May 12 7:15am

I am so sorry this has to be so difficult after all you've been through, throughout your marriage, and being his caregiver for so long. My husband, at 86 with advanced Alzheimer's, can still be quite charming, especially to ladies. Although I think he'll be interested in someone younger, like a member of the staff.
I'm surprised that the staff isn't trained to watch for those types of connections and handle them before they get too far along.

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Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | May 16 1:23pm
In reply to @centre "@memoriestomoments I’m the original poster, I’m late responding as I’ve taken time to read and reread..." + (show)
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@memoriestomoments I’m the original poster, I’m late responding as I’ve taken time to read and reread your post. It speaks such truth and comfort. I’ve thought a lot about your three steps and I’ve found reminding myself of them helps me stay centered and calm with this challenge and other challenges presenting themselves. Thanks so much for taking the time to write.

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@centre, you have helped countless people here on connect. I'm glad you could lean on virtual friends as you face a new and emotionally confusing situation. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. How are you doing, today?

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Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | May 21 10:22am
In reply to @sommerjs "Thank you for sharing. The only control we have is to make sure our loved one..." + (show)
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Thank you for sharing. The only control we have is to make sure our loved one is safe.

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@sommerjs, welcome. Are you, too, caring for someone living with dementia? I look forward to hearing your story.

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centre | @centre | May 21 4:31pm
In reply to @colleenyoung "@centre, you have helped countless people here on connect. I'm glad you could lean on virtual..." + (show)
Profile picture for Colleen Young, Connect Director @colleenyoung

@centre, you have helped countless people here on connect. I'm glad you could lean on virtual friends as you face a new and emotionally confusing situation. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. How are you doing, today?

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@colleenyoung Thanks for thinking of me. Every day is a day. I can’t bring myself to befriend the girlfriend, as some suggested, but I’m always polite and smile. I haven’t told the kids, as someone else suggested. I don’t want them to think less of him or to feel protective or sorry for me. They live out-of-state and visit here infrequently, I go there. As it is, the staff look at me with “sorry” eyes, I just smile and be my usual self. My brother and I are close, I told him and he’s very supportive. I know I’m doing the right thing by accepting this as just another way station on my husband’s dementia journey, but it does feel weird and unsettling.

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