Husband with dementia has a new girlfriend

The mental changes that go with this disease are hard to take in. My husband is angry and screams whenever he does not like what he hears. He has just had surgery and wont' follow doctor's orders and is making himself worse. At least your husband is agreeable, even if it's with a new "friend." I am so sorry as it seems a little part of them is disappearing each day. I believe in a higher power and find myself turning my husband over to this power, as I don't seem to be able to help him much. Stay strong.

I'm so sorry you are facing this situation with your husband. However, I think you are handling it very well. I admire you for that. After all, he has a disease and knows he's not getting any better. Also he's probably lonely being away from you so he found a friend. It's good that he knows you and knows that he is married to you. I would pray about this. God can handle it for you. Just have faith and it will get straightened out. I know it's hard to handle and you feel sad but just remember the good times with your husband. Next time you see him, tell him how much you love him. I'll say a prayer for you both.
I wish you the best.
PML

Julie Christie

Dear @centre
The thought that whatever makes him happy is ok makes total sense rationally. That doesn't mean that you aren't left with another new delivery of loneliness and emotional weight. I am so sorry.

Sometimes it helps to separate out the various "strings" that form an emotional knot. I imagine that one string is the fact that while you were losing him gradually to the disease, you had come to understand that dynamic; but now, this is a whole new direction of loss. Furthermore, because the situation is so new, you can't move forward, aligning your thoughts and feelings; the full implications are not yet apparent.

I recently went through a period like this. The circumstances were different , but similar, in that the issue I faced was not something that was clear yet, and so I could not apply my usual tactics: Figure it out and take action. I realized that what would help me most was to Go With the Flow. Not try to figure it out right now. Not ruminate about what I might do or how it might unfold. The key facts were that: 1. It was not an emergency, 2. Many elements were out of my control, and 3. I would have more relevant information over time. I visualized myself literally becoming part of a flow, comfortably not ignoring that things are moving, but wisely not resisting that flow either. That helped but not entirely. I decided to meditate to empty my mind for a time. I had not done any mediation in over a decade, but it turns out it is like riding a bicycle. 🙂 I let all my thoughts drain out for a time and it was very helpful.

You are doing great and handling the situation with beautiful intent. Attend to your need for time and solace. Not with brooding or mere distraction, but with things that soothe and fill your spirit. For me it is the arts, for you it is....?

Hugs.

So sorry. I have known others with this experience and it is difficult to handle. My one friend quit going to see him and moved on. I don’t think I could handle it as there was infidelity in our marriage. I feel for you.

centre,
You have addressed this situation in what I believe is the correct manner. However, don't depend on the facility staff to always do the right thing in a situation such as this. You need to be proactive! If I'm not mistaken Vascular Dementia takes a similar track as do other forms of dementia, i.e., various phases, but probably at a different pace. Your husband may be in a phase that allowes him to be another world completely. Yes he knows you and knows that you're married, but that doesn't appear to stop his actions with the other person.

My suggestion would be to become a part of the new relationship - make friends with the other woman, along with your husband - have lunch together at the facility, share thoughts of what you enjoy, talk about family, vacations you took together, or things that you all might enjoy. Try to actually befriend the other person with kindness, include you husband in conversations you might have with her. You might even find that you like her also, and the three may become friends, with the thoughts of romance put aside - or even strengthening you and your husbands ties.

Speaking of family - do you have children? If so, have you talked about this with them? You might find much more insightful support from those who know both of you. All the best to you, stay strong.