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How to have the discussion with dad about assisted living?
Hi my dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia around 2020 when my mom was seriously ill. He refused to take medication because he hated the side effects.
When mom passed away we moved him closer to me in GA. I’m the oldest and at the time my 3 kids were available to visit /spend time with dad. My siblings are in DC and CA.
Here it is 2026 he is 93 years old and is very active, living in a concierge living facility . We are starting to notice signs of progression. His short time memory has become worse , he is often frustrated , and becomes angry when he disagrees with things or if he is told to do something differently. My son has been helping out a lot with checking on him and cooking for him and helping monitor his finances . It is getting harder and harder.
Not quite sure what the next steps are. He is not a danger to himself or others at this time. He doesn’t require any assistance with physical help … his health is good except he is very hard of hearing.
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A Power of Attorney and a 'representation agreement' of some kind need to be in place so that if he shows signs of greatly diminished capacity the PoA or representation can be plunked down on the bank/hospital admissions desktops and that person can act. It's a safety net, and it's a dignified way of preserving the heretofore wishes and normal behaviours of the patient. It sounds like this needs to be done immediately because he is slipping in his ability to represent himself in deciding who should act on his behalf for medical interventions and for financial decisions. I hope he has a valid and updated will.
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4 Reactions@asha1960
Our Mom went from independent living to memory care, with no assisted living in-between due to her sharp decline.
I think your answer lies in what his capacity is to make informed decisions. As mentioned, if he's unable to act in his own best interest, and perhaps has no executive functioning, his POA will need to kick in.
Have you discussed his Advanced Directive with him, so you know his wishes if he becomes incapacitated or requiring specialty care? Is he still lucid enough to make his wishes known? Did his Will have any details regarding same?
Good luck to you. 🌼
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3 ReactionsI recently lost my dad and went through many phases of deterioration before then…. It could be helpful if you found a good senior living facility that included independent living, as well as assisted living and memory care…. These places usually have a schedule to include a lot of group activities and entertainment, etc. Perhaps you could sell your dad on the social aspect, or not having to cook meals, etc…. Just trying to help, as I found a lot of these places are great at addressing all the stages of aging….
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2 Reactions@judimahoney thanks so much! Yes everything is in order as far as medical directive and will. I spoke with the facility director and she assured me they watch for certain behaviors and will keep me informed. She said he is really doing great right now except some shortness of memory. At least I know they are observant . I guess I have to take things day by day at this point !!
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1 Reaction@lkhorton01 Thanks so much. Dad is already involved in EVERY activity possible ! He can’t sit still for a second, The facility director has assured me they will inform me if they see any changes in his behavior. She said he’s really do great right now. So I will take things day by day.
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2 Reactions@gloaming thank you ! Yes I have POA and valid will in place!
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