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How do you change the perception of aging?

Posted by Merry, Alumni Mentor @merpreb, Jun 19, 2020

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I mean a lot of thinking about aging and accepting certain facts that go with it. It's a tough job. I look in the mirror and the girl who I expect to see is no longer there. Where did she go? How long ago did she disappear? Has someone else taken her place? Why can't I accept what I see instead of being depressed? I've wondered what kind of changes I can make to be more accepting of myself.

For way too long "old age" myths, the media, and cosmetic industries have dictated how women should feel about themselves. What they say or imply is an injustice to women and enhances the notion that aging isn’t good. They want us to mask our looks, change the color of our hair, and let someone cut us so that our skin looks stretched and fresh and young! Looking young is not being young. The first thing that I have to get rid of is the term, "feeling old." Old is not a feeling. It's a fact, a state of being. So what does this mean? It means that I need other words to describe how I'm feeling. Perhaps I might be feeling low about something, or I'm in pain or feel lonely, feeble, burdensome, or demoralized. And these words are the words that describe me when I feel "old".

I can’t feel young either. Youth is not a feeling. But at times I feel energetic, courageous, beautiful, healthy, and active. Feeling well makes me feel that there is the promise of tomorrow, I'm happy and healthy-ish. I can't change the way I look or my genetic make-up. But I can strive to feel my best, and feel a sense of well-being and satisfaction in doing what is best for me. I can pursue what I know to be my purpose, my passions at this time. Not what I want to do or dream to do but things that make me feel whole, complete, wanted, needed, and loved. Purposes, my life passions, that make me think and feel whole. If this means putting color in my hair or trying a new lip color, then that’s what I’ll do. Not because I look “old or wan” but because I want to do it.

Because of my stage 4 lung cancer, my bucket list has changed. I no longer can think in terms of “Well I have plenty of time.” My bucket list consists of todays. What to do today, where do I go today, what do I read, eat, and think today. My lists no longer have unrealistic goals for the future but doctors' appointments, lab work, and rest. My plans are to do things that make me feel like I have a purpose and that I feel are important in everything I do, things that have meaning for me. My purpose for resting is so that I can later feel more refreshed for a walk, or meeting a friend. My purpose for drinking lots of water is so that I don't get dehydrated and feel ill. My purpose is to nag my husband to be careful on his runs, make sure his clothes are clean, and that he eats clean fresh food. My purpose is to hug him and tell him that I love him as much as I can. I need to feel fulfilled by talking to my son and maybe irritate him too. I’m a mother. It makes me feel good. My bucket list might not stretch very far into the future but it sure is full.

By changing how I think, with a different vocabulary, maybe I can help change the perception of aging. And this might help me so that when I look in the mirror I might see some of the old me and not the aged me.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Aging Well Support Group.

Profile picture for slarson14
slarson14 | @slarson14 | Oct 25 11:46am
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I get right in their face. I am 91. Of course every single time I get..." + (show)
Profile picture for thisismarilynb @thisismarilynb

I get right in their face. I am 91. Of course every single time I get "Oh, you don't look like 91." So back I come with "Well, how do you think 91 is supposed to look like." If they feel uncomfortable, so be it. I definitely realize how fortunate I am to be in such a good place at my age. I am able to live in my own home and take care of myself. I am also able to drive wherever and whenever I need to do so. But I also realize that the end is near. How much longer can I go on? We don't know. I just finished reading an article entitled "Superager Brains Defy Cognitive Decline. We Finally Know Their Secret."
What was my so-called secret? I was active. I became a race walker and did several miles each day after work, even though I worked full-time and took care of my family. I loved race walking and it was important to me. I never smoked and drank very little. In addition I didn't eat very much in the way of sweets. I have never liked the sweet taste. Did this help me to be the way I am at my age? In addition, I beat scarlet fever at a time (I was 10 years old) when there were no drugs. They put me in isolation and waited for me to die. So I didn't. I guess I am too stubborn. In the article it said that 5% of the population are like me. I had that same percentage told to me after I recovered from an anaphylactic reaction to taking lisinopril. I had to be in ICU for 3 days. After the allergist told me that 5% of the population reacts this way. Coincidence?

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@thisismarilynb wow. I had a reaction from lisinopril too! Angioedema. Only drug I have ever been sensitive to... hmmm.

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1 reply
Profile picture for slarson14
slarson14 | @slarson14 | Oct 25 11:53am

Society has been so focused on physical attractiveness. When we think we have lost it - according to what we see in the mirror - some get depressed.

I was a model in my 20s and 30s. I had men running out my ears all my life.

I never felt I was attractive, but apparently men thought I was.

I am now 70. I am SO happy to be less attractive.

One: men who like me, it is for the inside of me - my personality not my looks now days. Getting older helps weed the superficial men out of my life.

I love getting older. I don't care if I don't look good from the outside - I know exactly what is on the inside and I feel absolutely wonderful!

I think I am rather like @thisismarilynb : I am so happy to be living in my own home and doing what I want and no one messes with me. And YES I get in people's faces if they say stupid crap like "You don't look 70...(or 90 for that matter)...I just say "What an ageist comment that is...!".

Can you IMAGINE if someone said "You don't look that black..." !!!! LOLOLOL

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2 replies
Profile picture for thisismarilynb
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Oct 25 1:15pm
In reply to @slarson14 "Society has been so focused on physical attractiveness. When we think we have lost it -..." + (show)
Profile picture for slarson14 @slarson14

Society has been so focused on physical attractiveness. When we think we have lost it - according to what we see in the mirror - some get depressed.

I was a model in my 20s and 30s. I had men running out my ears all my life.

I never felt I was attractive, but apparently men thought I was.

I am now 70. I am SO happy to be less attractive.

One: men who like me, it is for the inside of me - my personality not my looks now days. Getting older helps weed the superficial men out of my life.

I love getting older. I don't care if I don't look good from the outside - I know exactly what is on the inside and I feel absolutely wonderful!

I think I am rather like @thisismarilynb : I am so happy to be living in my own home and doing what I want and no one messes with me. And YES I get in people's faces if they say stupid crap like "You don't look 70...(or 90 for that matter)...I just say "What an ageist comment that is...!".

Can you IMAGINE if someone said "You don't look that black..." !!!! LOLOLOL

Jump to this post

@slarson14
What a wonderful message. I loved it, especially the last sentence. Unhappily in this day and age, this could happen.
Just keep on being you.

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Profile picture for thisismarilynb
thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | Oct 25 1:18pm
In reply to @slarson14 "@thisismarilynb wow. I had a reaction from lisinopril too! Angioedema. Only drug I have ever been..." + (show)
Profile picture for slarson14 @slarson14

@thisismarilynb wow. I had a reaction from lisinopril too! Angioedema. Only drug I have ever been sensitive to... hmmm.

Jump to this post

@slarson14
I have a lot of allergies. So I rarely take drugs (medical). I figured if I cheated death once I can do it again. And then again, maybe the lack of all these drugs in my system is one of the reasons I am this old and still in good shape.

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Profile picture for mymayoremote
mymayoremote | @mymayoremote | Oct 25 4:06pm
In reply to @dederickve "@sapphira I am 78, and look in the mirror, and cannot understand how I have physically..." + (show)
Profile picture for dederickve @dederickve

@sapphira I am 78, and look in the mirror, and cannot understand how I have physically changed, so much . I absolutely hate how much I have changed. I never thought I was beautiful, but I always looked so much better than now. It truly bothers me. I wish I didn’t feel like I do.

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@dederickve
A great smile does it every time!

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Profile picture for nycmusic
nycmusic | @nycmusic | Oct 26 7:29am
In reply to @thisismarilynb "I get right in their face. I am 91. Of course every single time I get..." + (show)
Profile picture for thisismarilynb @thisismarilynb

I get right in their face. I am 91. Of course every single time I get "Oh, you don't look like 91." So back I come with "Well, how do you think 91 is supposed to look like." If they feel uncomfortable, so be it. I definitely realize how fortunate I am to be in such a good place at my age. I am able to live in my own home and take care of myself. I am also able to drive wherever and whenever I need to do so. But I also realize that the end is near. How much longer can I go on? We don't know. I just finished reading an article entitled "Superager Brains Defy Cognitive Decline. We Finally Know Their Secret."
What was my so-called secret? I was active. I became a race walker and did several miles each day after work, even though I worked full-time and took care of my family. I loved race walking and it was important to me. I never smoked and drank very little. In addition I didn't eat very much in the way of sweets. I have never liked the sweet taste. Did this help me to be the way I am at my age? In addition, I beat scarlet fever at a time (I was 10 years old) when there were no drugs. They put me in isolation and waited for me to die. So I didn't. I guess I am too stubborn. In the article it said that 5% of the population are like me. I had that same percentage told to me after I recovered from an anaphylactic reaction to taking lisinopril. I had to be in ICU for 3 days. After the allergist told me that 5% of the population reacts this way. Coincidence?

Jump to this post

@thisismarilynb one strong chick ! Keep it going, your way !

REPLY
Profile picture for jillsy
jillsy | @jillsy | Oct 26 9:46am
In reply to @willow5 "@dederickve thank you for your honesty! My weight has stayed the same, I work out consistently,..." + (show)
Profile picture for willow5 @willow5

@dederickve thank you for your honesty! My weight has stayed the same, I work out consistently, weights, walk/running, (though I will admit here that I am embarrassed how slow I walk/run and regret ever complaining about a 12 minute pace years ago) biking, and yet my body has changed and I don’t like it - or the marionette lines on my face. Yuck.

I do know self-acceptance is in order - lots of it - and lots of gratitude, also, that has been mentioned. Not liking parts of myself isn’t a nice thing to do to myself, is it?

What’s funny, is the post that re-started this chain is from 2020

Jump to this post

@willow5
One consolation is that as our face and body change, so does our eyesight, so the aging isn't so obvious to ourselves.

REPLY
Profile picture for slarson14
slarson14 | @slarson14 | Oct 26 12:16pm

One way I change the perception of aging is running around being happy and energetic. I tell younger people: "I LOVE 70 so far..."!

And I do! Perhaps because everything in the past was so terrible anything is better than the past. My younger years were so full of struggle to just survive, feed the kids, get to work...paying attention to what others thought and judgements. Now it is like: screw it..my life is my life and I am going to be happy and carefree - this is MY time.

There were good moments of course, but honestly, I wouldn't go back to ANY age! I love right now...getting back in the work force on my own terms and my own time is awesomely fun. I have a boss who is only 21 at this one job...it is so fun watching her manage everything and the young people I work with are, I suppose, just blown away that I am happy and not griping about health issues. I think my example helps them learn aging has a whole different dimension: fun and relief. Being in charge of one's whole perspective and being wise...?

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