How do I deal with my husband? Transplant patient changed demeanor

I feel bad for you. A lot of people assume that after a transplant you must be feeling great again, but as you know, that really doesn’t happen. He might be lashing out cos he feels guilty that he can’t do the same things anymore, and isn’t fun anymore. (I feel guilty every day)
Hopefully, as time goes by, things will improve.
Good luck and hugs.

Maggieinfp, thank you for hugs. I am trying to remain married to my husband, because it's only him and I. I feel guilty wanting to leave him, because I honor my vows, But he is making it so hard for me to want to continue with him. I use to love to cook for him, we did everything together as a couple: walks in the park, pinics, dancing, concerts, plays, shopping, movies, traveling, redecorating our home, watch prorams on tv, intimate, church and studying the Bible together. Now it's absolutely nothing. He say he wants a divorce, but want go file for. I feel like our life together ended when he received his transplant. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel or has my marriage come to an end? I was told by the doctor that a lot of marriages end with a spouse, who has had a transplant.

@1spousesupport
So sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. I appreciate that you really want to keep your wedding vows and stay with the man you remember. This being said, you also need to take care of yourself holistically - spiritually, mentally, physically.

I assume your surgeon said there are many divorces post-transplant, due to the stress of caring for or being taken care of. End of day, after three years of this, I think taking steps to keep you whole is paramount. Don’t carry or own any guilt associated with the pain (both physical and mental) that he may be experiencing. He needs to take care of himself as well.

No real specific advice as this is clearly a life altering decision and a deeply personal one. Just keep you top of mind.

All the best to you both.

Thank you @kmlowe. I do understand and I am working toward doing just that. Taking care of myself. It's encouraging to talk with others who may have experienced such with their spouse and can give me strength to move on. And , yes the doctor need explain it to us that way that the stress associated with the care has had a high rate of divorce.

I had not heard about divorce rates, which is quite alarming. Maybe get him to try some counseling, both individually and together.

I am a bit concerned. Not advising you . But did not know recovery from kidney transplant is so difficult. I thought post transplant life is almost normal except for the anti-rejection medication that needs to be taken for the rest of the life. I am a kidney patient with a live donor.

Dhrubasen, I thought the same as you. At least that is what the transplant team shared with us. Do you not understand why he blame me for everything. He did say he has no more desire, love or for presence in his life anymore. That I disturb his peace. I am just hurt by how he feels after 20 years of marriage. I been there through it all. The good, bad, and ugly.

Do you deal with mood changes from your medications or any other issue that may make you not want your spouse or mate alonger? 🤔

I can certainly relate to your situation. I very much recognize the type of thing you are describing. However, I'm not the one caring for a patient, I am the transplant patient. I just finished my 2nd year post kidney transplant. Early on I caught myself being impatient, angry, short tempered, and lots of other bad things that I never used to do. To this day I'm not sure if it is side effects to any or all of the laundry list of meds that I am taking or just something that has become more prominent as I get older or whatever. There are tons of articles about personality changes in organ recipients but that's for another discussion. My experience is that shortly after I lose my temper I realize what I've done and I immediately run to my wife and apologize as sincerely as I can for what I've just done. I have warned her that I am aware of it but I have trouble holding it back sometimes. I have told her that I didn't mean it when I told her to leave and if I ever do that again I will still not mean it either. I state very sincerely that I never want her to leave even if something is making me say that at some particular moment.
Now, I can't say anything about your husband specifically as I don't know either of two. However, it may not be him speaking when you hear that kind of stuff, but rather the meds or the stress to his system or who knows what other things. I wonder if you could get him to go with you to a couselor who could help you guys to try to sort it out. Also, maybe a break might help. My wife just took a one month long trip to Asia and I stayed home alone. Definitely was not my idea of fun, but I got through it. She had a great time and came back very happy and I think we are both appreciating each other a lot more after some time away from the daily struggle.

It's been suggested and he said no.