How do I deal with my husband? Transplant patient changed demeanor

I can certainly relate to your situation. I very much recognize the type of thing you are describing. However, I'm not the one caring for a patient, I am the transplant patient. I just finished my 2nd year post kidney transplant. Early on I caught myself being impatient, angry, short tempered, and lots of other bad things that I never used to do. To this day I'm not sure if it is side effects to any or all of the laundry list of meds that I am taking or just something that has become more prominent as I get older or whatever. There are tons of articles about personality changes in organ recipients but that's for another discussion. My experience is that shortly after I lose my temper I realize what I've done and I immediately run to my wife and apologize as sincerely as I can for what I've just done. I have warned her that I am aware of it but I have trouble holding it back sometimes. I have told her that I didn't mean it when I told her to leave and if I ever do that again I will still not mean it either. I state very sincerely that I never want her to leave even if something is making me say that at some particular moment.
Now, I can't say anything about your husband specifically as I don't know either of two. However, it may not be him speaking when you hear that kind of stuff, but rather the meds or the stress to his system or who knows what other things. I wonder if you could get him to go with you to a couselor who could help you guys to try to sort it out. Also, maybe a break might help. My wife just took a one month long trip to Asia and I stayed home alone. Definitely was not my idea of fun, but I got through it. She had a great time and came back very happy and I think we are both appreciating each other a lot more after some time away from the daily struggle.

@m1rmiller it hurts so bad, so bad. Just this morning he told me he hate me and wish I would just get out of his life. I have not done anything to him to have him feel this way. I know mostly it's the meds, because this is not the man I married. He is so cold to me now. I can't have a decent conversation with him without an anger behavior lashing out at me. It has gotten so bad that my desire to cook, wash, or clean for him has just gone away. I use to love to cook, wash, and clean for him, but not anymore because he is always hitting below the belt. He has lost his table manners, social, and loving behaviors. He has become so secretive, distance , self centered and saying I am only staying in the marriage to rob him of his money. What we have we got together and if I was only in our marriage for money when his kidneys stop working, I could have walked out of the marriage and told him I did not sign up for this, but no I was in it for the long haul because I love my husband. We did 5 years own dialysis without this toxic behavior. I still had the man I fell in love with. Now , almost 3 years come August 6th since the transplant it's been living hell. I been living a nightmare. I've truly given my all and now I am just broken, torn, feeling betrayed. We were to share our golden years together, but I do not see it happening. I have suggested counseling and he says the only counseling he needs is for me to leave and never come back. That I disgust him. So , Mr. Miller please do not torment your wife like this and I am happy to know you recognize whats happening and apologize. My husband will not. I feel you will definitely seek counseling if your personality worsen. I pray for your marriage to continue to be as one and love remains in air. With mine, after dating through high school and 20 years of marriage, I believe all hope is lost between us.

Thank you @kmlowe. I do understand and I am working toward doing just that. Taking care of myself. It's encouraging to talk with others who may have experienced such with their spouse and can give me strength to move on. And , yes the doctor need explain it to us that way that the stress associated with the care has had a high rate of divorce.

One thing I haven't heard is counsel with God DAILY and your pastor. Focus on making yourself a Godly example of love, patience, peace, empathy and forgiveness. That might open your husband's eyes to see that you are an example to follow. If you want to honor your marriage vows try focusing on this. God will bless you just watch.

I'm very sorry to hear about how dire your situation is. It does sound like things may have deteriorated beyond repair. I hope not, but the worst may well be true. Do ou have some place that you could go for a few days to see if it helps to cool things down a bit? Ending such a long term relationship so definitively seems like a last resort surrender. Maybe if you guys were apart for a few days or even a week or so that might allow him to get some better perspective on what you mean to him. Also, have you talked with his nephrologist about a possible change to his medications? I still think that one of his meds may be the culprit and there are lots of alternatives to almost any of the immune suppression plans that are commonly used. Is he taking steroids? Those are notoriously bad for "'roid rage" and can be replaced by other meds.
As for my own situation, once I figured out what was going on, it has been pretty simple to catch myself when I start to feel something like that coming on. Actually it only happened a couple of times before I realized what was happeneing and they were very isolated incidents so over all our relationship was always on firm footing. Your problems seem to be almost a constant situation which is much worse than what we ever had. We are both still very much commited to fighting through this together through the good times and the bad times. Your husband does seem to have lost all perspective and self awareness.

@1spousesupport, I have viewed this discussion, and am thankful for all of the support that you are receiving from other member. I am also a transplant recipient with a spouse tho has been at my side throughout the entire transplant journey. I am fully aware of all that it entails, physically and emotionally, for both patient and care giver.
I am concerned that this has been going on for 3 years. I am also aware that the trauma involved in any major medical event can result in a change in behavior. And I have seen first hand, in a trauma situation, how counseling along with coordinated prescription medication can make a huge improvement. In this particular situation, the patient denied counseling at first, but later made own decision to pursue it - and happy they did.

I would encourage you to talk with your own primary care doctor about this situation, and ask his guidance in moving forward. They shouild be able to provide resources to consider.
Is husband still followed by his transplant team? Do you attend appointments with him? Do they know about his extreme behavior?

His transplant coordinator talks with him and it's not when I am present. He will not let me attend his appointment anymore. From what I see he only goes for labs once a month and xray. I believe twice a year. Since the first year of the his transplant I have not been apart and that's because he do not want me to. I do not know if he is sharing his behavior with them. I do know I mentioned it to his doctor when he went to the restroom and she asked him how was his moons and he was not truful about. Since that visit he do not share with me any of his concerns or discussions with his transplant coordinator. Nor medication changes, nothing! I do take a picture of his meds to try and keep updated with those. I tried being apart and supportive, he say they are not talking to me, but him and he can answer and ask his own questions. He says I'm not a child, I don't need you to act like you're my mother. My hands are tired. He has completely shut me out of the loop. The only time I am able to be apart is when it's time to take a trip to the emergency room, but that has not been in a long time.

His transplant coordinator talks with him and it's not when I am present. He will not let me attend his appointment anymore. From what I see he only goes for labs once a month and xray. I believe twice a year. Since the first year of the his transplant I have not been apart and that's because he do not want me to. I do not know if he is sharing his behavior with them. I do know I mentioned it to his doctor when he went to the restroom and she asked him how was his moons and he was not truful about. Since that visit he do not share with me any of his concerns or discussions with his transplant coordinator. Nor medication changes, nothing! I do take a picture of his meds to try and keep updated with those. I tried being apart and supportive, he say they are not talking to me, but him and he can answer and ask his own questions. He says I'm not a child, I don't need you to act like you're my mother. My hands are tired. He has completely shut me out of the loop. The only time I am able to be apart is when it's time to take a trip to the emergency room, but that has not been in a long time.