Connect
Help - I am burned out and dealing with someone who is stubborn
My husband has a history of COPD and asthma. He has used every inhaler that is available and same with the drugs, which is claims to have problems with all of them
For the last two months it has been awful. We seem to be at the ER and doctor every few days. Last time at doc was Friday. He was given an antibiotic. This morning, I ask him how his lungs are doing and he tells me fine. I figured this because for the last two months or so all he does is go around honking, deliberately, up stuff and looking at what color it is. Trust me, I have the kleenex all over that I keep picking up. He is OBSESSED with the color - is it green, is it gray, is it clear. This even though the doc on Friday told him that color doesn't matter.
Now he is back on the phone for another doc. apt. His lungs, which were fine just an hour ago are now "all clogged up" and he is honking (generally becauses he keeps trying to) and he feels awful.
I must say, this shocked me as he just told me he was getting better.
Anyway, I can not clean around the house and he is b*tching that because of the house his lungs are bad. BULL. I do not use any strong chemicals. I generally use vinegar and water to clean floors, I dust weekly. NOW, though even vinegar bothers his lungs, so he claims.
The final straw for me came this weekend after it had rained several days. He walked outside and, oh his lungs were bothered. Why you ask, Because of the smell the air gets after it rains! This is not about pollen, etc, but just the earthy smell that comes after a good rain. At this point I am having my doubts.
I cannot tell you how many differnt doctors we have been to. Two weeks ago he told me to be ready to take him to the hospital, that didn't happen. Now he is sitting there telling me he is gonna die!
I just don't know what to do.
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers Support Group.
Connect
"It's hard to be a wife when you are in charge of doing everything by yourself. "
That's a perfect sentence to describe the way I feel.
I'm new to the group, and have been reading through posts, and this thread caught my attention. My husband has had lung cancer, COPD, spine surgery, heart problems,ED, leg swelling .... starting with the lung cancer diagnosed in 2011. It's been a slow death of his capabilities, and our relationship. I'm not at all maternal (no kids), and I have never felt the need or desire to be responsible for or control another person's life. But now, I'm responsible for both of us ... and everything around the house and ... everything, period. But yet, I never seem to do anything right, in his opinion. I get so angry ! His frustration at not being able to do things manifests as super-controlling behavior toward me. And then he wants to be intimate! (Which is kinda tough, considering ....)
It does help to "spit it out" ... thanks for listening
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
7 ReactionsWow! You have been doing this for a long time. You must be exhausted. It does not help when they yell etc. Thankfully, I only had to deal with all of that since September of last year. Sadly, my husband passed on Sunday Feb. 23. I guess I never quite grasped the horrible pain he was in as he tried to downplay it. When he was first diagnosed his cancer was already in the last stages and had started to spread. The doctor told him with treatment, he may last 2 years but without, he may have 6 months. Joe took two treatments and decided he could not do it anymore. Hospice was called in and thank God they were. They began coming in January after he decided not to go for any more treatments. They came twice a week and last wednesday they said that they wanted him to go the good samaritan house. He agreed and I drove him there that day. They had 10 beds there and he was the only patient and so he got the undivided attention of the nurses. They were so kind and they all had great faith in God. It was a beautiful house. I was happy because I could not give him the care he needed at home. I saw him again on last Friday and was planning to go on Sunday when I got the call that he had passed. It all happened very quickly. But it was the best thing that could have happened for him and me. They can give lots of pain meds there and anything else he might need or want. So he died comfortably and in peace. But for you, I don't know how I could have dealt with what you are going through for all those years. I would probably be in the nut ward. God bless you and give you the strength you need. They do have caretaker zoom meetings on here. I believe the link is under the caretaker blog. You might find some comfort in that. If not, drink heavily. (just kidding) 🙂
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsSo sorry to hear you lost your husband. Sounds like it was his time, and he accepted that. I'm glad for both of you that it was quick . I can imagine that you feel a combination of sadness, grief and relief all at once .... and probably feel guilty for that.... but don't!
In my case, I think I've been grieving for 15 years... initially, I was ecstatic when his first lung cancer treatment had very good results, but the effects of that and the other impacts of COPD have just stripped him of all the things he ... and we ... loved to do. So I grieved the loss of the life we had. Unfortunately, he hasn't really tried to replace those things with others, and hasn't done as much as he could to improve his quality of life (in particular, he refused to exercise, which apparently is the one thing COPD patients can do to keep themselves viable).
We recently talked about how the end would happen for him ... not knowing what to expect is tough. We both fear he will suffer.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsThank you. If your husband ever reaches the point where the doctor says that he has 6 months or less to live, call in Hospice. They came twice a week for about 4 weeks before they decided that he should go to the Good Samaritan house-which is part of hospice. At first he said he was not going but when I asked him to please try it for 3 days because I needed a break, he said OK, I will go because you need a break. But my husband was beginning to get really confused, he could not walk and kept falling all the time because he still tried to walk. I don't know how many times I had to get him up and I knew I could no longer do it on my own. In fact, after the hospice nurse got him in the car, she came back into the house and told me that she did not think he would be coming back. And she was right. But I am so thankful for them. I don't know how old you are, but my husband and I were both on Medicare and Medicare paid for it all. He was considered a inpatient person. I don't know if my insurance would have paid for it if we had not been on medicare. But is definitely something to keep in mind, Pallative care did not really do anything except prescribe meds. The appts. were done online so they had no one to really assess him at home. We had visiting nurses for awhile. THey were nice but they can't do as much as hospice can. Hospice won't let your husband suffer. my husband also had advanced COPD as well and they also handled that at the good samartan home.
Blessings to both you and your husband.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsHi. It truly is much more complicated managing care when you are left feeling unappreciated. I’m not sure if you had tried getting a caregiver and a nurse to help you at home. There must be a social worker or case manager who is assigned to your husband. If you’re not sure, I believe that you can let his primary doctor or oncologist know that you need help caring for him at home so you can get started learning the different options you have.
There is a caregiver support group on this site that may be helpful to you in dealing with your frustrations and getting more information. There are professional therapists to help you with what you’re feeling along with all those frustrations and anger.
I hope that you continue to seek help. This is a good start. Take care.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsI wish in hindsight reading these posts I had tried to get my first husband in hospice before I got him in a nursing home. He died 6 weeks later. I held his hand through his last breath. I do.not think any of his health care providers made this clear to me. How close he was. I wore myself out trying to take care of him. No blame just wish I would have been told upfront. I got seriously ill in 2014 2 years after his death. Very ill. I am fortunate to be alive and reading these posts. I still have trauma to process from it. This group helps. God bless
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsThank you.
Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionThank you.
Sent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionYou are right. This group really does help. I am so glad that you survived your illness. I hope you are doing well. I still am feeling numb almost an otherworld feeling since my husband passed on Sunday. I just sit and my mind is blank almost. STill trying to process all that happened.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsWell all those concerns are gone now. My husband passed on Sunday the 23rd. He ended up being in a Good Samartian House which is a part of hospice. He was only there for 5 days when he passed. But it was a wonderful place and I know he got the pain meds and care that he needed. Thank God for them.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
6 Reactions