Family wants to find care facility for my husband.

Posted by shirleymac @shirleymac, Jun 21 12:02pm

I’ve been my husband’s caregiver for almost 11 years. He is relatively easygoing, but spends too much time dozing in his recliner. It is partly boredom, since he can’t do many things. My son, daughter and their spouses say he would have a better quality of life if he was exposed to activities, etc. They know I would have a life (besides caregiving), too. They are right, but I find it upsetting because he wants to be where I am, we moved recently and he loves the house, and I cannot figure out how I would ever introduce him to the idea. He is 78 and I am 77. Help!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia group.

Have you heard of Daycare for Seniors? Do you have a social worker who could give you information you are seeking?
They are very helpful.

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Oh, oh @shirleymac , what difficult decisions you have to make. It’s never easy. I can certainly understand you’re wanting to be out of the house sometimes and his wanting to stay where you are. I do like the idea of senior day care but i also think having someone come to your home 2-3 days a week would be good. There might be members of the high school chess club who’d love to help out. Or someone who would love to chat or play cards. Does your church have a men’s group or a ministry to seniors that you could contact?
Will you maybe try some these ideas that others have given and let us know how you do?

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That is why I suggested Senior Daycare because he gets to be in a different environment and socializing with others and the same goes for you! Maybe you both will be able to go for a couple of days a week! And you would have your free time all to yourself. Please find out about Daycare.

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Hello @shirleymac

Your situation is one that many people face. It would be good for your husband to have more activities and it would be good for you to have some time for yourself. Becky, @becsbuddy, and, @janet7, have offered some good suggestions for accomplishing this task.

I'm wondering if you have contacted your county's Council on Aging to see what services might be available? This might be a good first start. Also, your husband's doctor might be able to refer you to a social worker who could offer you some suggestions.

Will you post again and let me know how you are doing?

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@hopeful33250

Hello @shirleymac

Your situation is one that many people face. It would be good for your husband to have more activities and it would be good for you to have some time for yourself. Becky, @becsbuddy, and, @janet7, have offered some good suggestions for accomplishing this task.

I'm wondering if you have contacted your county's Council on Aging to see what services might be available? This might be a good first start. Also, your husband's doctor might be able to refer you to a social worker who could offer you some suggestions.

Will you post again and let me know how you are doing?

Jump to this post

Thanks for all the ideas! I will call the local agency on aging, today and look into options for him to get out.
Yes, after no vacations or breaks in about 11 years. I feel like I can’t see past the routine, sometimes. I will let you know how it goes.

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Hi @shirleymac, I am in a similar situation. My husband is 78 and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about three years ago. It is now in the moderate stage. He does like to sit or lie in bed for long periods of time, dozing off or daydreaming. His neurologist told me that this part of his disease. He broke his hip about four months ago and has recovered well. I prepare our meals, and he washes and dries the dishes and put them away. He also just started making the bed on his own iniative. We also walk for half an hour walk in the mornings and I get him to do exercises for his hip twice a day. He, too, loves our house and is very attached to me, but he is able to be alone for a few hours at a time. He is not very sociable with other people and does not like change. He can barely tolerate outpatient physical therapy for one hour. I have to keep giving him pep talks because he's ready to leave after 20 minutes. I know he would not tolerate being away from our home for a large part of the day.
I'm fortunate in that he has a good disposition, and at this stage, does not wander, or get into mischief.
While he doses, I can attend to things I need to do. He also goes to bed after the dinner dishes are done, so I have evenings to myself, at home , of course.

Since you have family, would it be possible for them to stay with him while you took a vacation? Or, if they are nearby, to stay with him a few hours so you can get out?

The life of a caregiver may be large in its reward, but is small in its scope.

Wishing you the best, Teri

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@shirleymac

Thanks for all the ideas! I will call the local agency on aging, today and look into options for him to get out.
Yes, after no vacations or breaks in about 11 years. I feel like I can’t see past the routine, sometimes. I will let you know how it goes.

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I hope you find out about Daycare and let us know how you found out about it. I know some day I will need to know, thanks!

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I contacted the county agency on aging and they sent a list of adult day care facilities. There have been both plumbers and electricians working in our house this week, so it has been a bit hectic for me and I will call or go see some of the places next week. I can get out for a couple of hours, when I need to, so at least I can get errands done. He used to go for short walks with me, but now refuses because his hips hurt. I think sitting so much has contributed to that. He will help me, when asked, but that is limited. My daughter lives in the same city as we do, but she and her husband work full time and my granddaughter is working before she goes back to college. I did get information on respite support and need to look into that. I’m thankful I am healthy and have decided if I am not spending money on a vacation, I will spend some on things I want, both for myself and for the house. I will let you know, when we try out adult day care. It helps so much, just to “talk” with people who understand!

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Glad you contacted the County Agency on aging who were able to help you both find a Daycare. Thank you for your help and now I know who to ask for to help me find daycare in my neck of the woods. I wonder what other services they might provide and I’ll let you know what I find out.
Happy for you both!

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@shirleymac
Perhaps I’m speaking out of turn and your not going to like what I have to say but…..
I am so grateful neither of my parents were ever in a facility. Something I’d never consider. I helped my Mom take care of my Dad who was paralyzed from the neck down by a worthless drunk driver on the job so was on Workman’s Compensation. His insurance company tried to have them put in a facility to save money but my mom and I fought it tooth and nail and thankfully we won. I also took care of my Mom before she passed.
Don’t you think it’s only fair your husband has a right to know what your planning?
If I were married or living with someone I’d never allow my loved one warehoused somewhere especially without their knowledge. What about your vows, don’t they mean anything to you? How deceitful.
Your spouse deserves better, don’t you think?
Jake

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@jakedduck1

@shirleymac
Perhaps I’m speaking out of turn and your not going to like what I have to say but…..
I am so grateful neither of my parents were ever in a facility. Something I’d never consider. I helped my Mom take care of my Dad who was paralyzed from the neck down by a worthless drunk driver on the job so was on Workman’s Compensation. His insurance company tried to have them put in a facility to save money but my mom and I fought it tooth and nail and thankfully we won. I also took care of my Mom before she passed.
Don’t you think it’s only fair your husband has a right to know what your planning?
If I were married or living with someone I’d never allow my loved one warehoused somewhere especially without their knowledge. What about your vows, don’t they mean anything to you? How deceitful.
Your spouse deserves better, don’t you think?
Jake

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Hi Jake, I agree with you and I have no intention of putting my husband with Dementia and heart problems in an institution. Actually, @shirley and I were talking about Daycare where you can leave a loved one for a couple of hours, not all day, and not the rest of their lives. Just one day of the week when we could go shopping or whatever having to take care of only ourselves. And our husbands can meet other people and socialize and play games, helping with their boredom. In other words, a win-win for everyone!

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@shirleymac

I contacted the county agency on aging and they sent a list of adult day care facilities. There have been both plumbers and electricians working in our house this week, so it has been a bit hectic for me and I will call or go see some of the places next week. I can get out for a couple of hours, when I need to, so at least I can get errands done. He used to go for short walks with me, but now refuses because his hips hurt. I think sitting so much has contributed to that. He will help me, when asked, but that is limited. My daughter lives in the same city as we do, but she and her husband work full time and my granddaughter is working before she goes back to college. I did get information on respite support and need to look into that. I’m thankful I am healthy and have decided if I am not spending money on a vacation, I will spend some on things I want, both for myself and for the house. I will let you know, when we try out adult day care. It helps so much, just to “talk” with people who understand!

Jump to this post

Oh Shirley, I do understand and I am new to being a caretaker! Our mental health, as well as our husbands, is just as important as our caretaking. We are on 24/7 and we deserve to have some free-time to ourselves without any guilt. This senior day care is a win-win for all of us!!

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