Elderly parent living with me

Posted by srdatt @srdatt, Apr 19 8:33am

I Mom lives with me and my husband. I love her very much but I don't know how much longer I can deal with her being part of every aspect of my life. There is no privacy. She is very resentful of my friends and my husband because we have many friends who visit and who we visit with. She makes snide comments about us (we are very much in love and show a great deal of affection towards each other, daily!). If I go to visit my daughter or a friend for a day or two she suddenly is sick or there is some major issue with SOMETHING! She is 87 and very healthy and cognizant but whenever we have plans, she suddenly becomes 107 instead of 87! Its very frustrating because I know there's nothing wrong with her…only when its convenient for her. For the past 10 years since I got married she has followed us everywhere we moved and disrupted our lives, even when we were newlyweds. I guess I feel so much resentment towards her that every thing she does that aggravates me is escalated. I really don't want ill feelings towards my mom but how do I curb this feeling and just let things slide off my back?

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Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Apr 19 11:30am

@srdatt Oh, my. You do have a problem. How is your husband handling your mom’s presence? Just letting ‘things slide off your back’ will just make everything more difficult. An honest conversation is what’s needed. Maybe you could use this time to look for good independent senior living facilities near you. Making new living arrangements is not because she may be driving you crazy, but that she needs to be around her peers and making her own friends. Check out local senior centers to see if they have social workers or counselors who might help you. This organization has been around for years and might have good ideas/advice for you.
https://www.aplaceformom.com/
I know it’s difficult, but you have yourself, your husband and your mother to consider. Will you keep me posted on how everything goes?

kim9876 | @kim9876 | Apr 23 10:30pm

In many ways your situation sounds just like mine. My husband and I moved in three years ago to help my parents with the thoughts of finding our own condo within walking distance. Unfortunately my dad passed away 6 months later and my mom (87) is unable to live alone. She has a rare neurological disease called PSP which has Parkinsonism symptoms. So I bought my moms condo and she now lives with us. I have been a caregiver for 20 years for other people and even my father in law who lived with us for two years. But this has been rough. My mom is a wonderful woman but has become a very needed person. She is now only comfortable with me caring for her and my family is happy to let me do 98% of everything. I just lost my oldest daughter and don’t even have time to myself to grieve for her. My youngest daughter is having a baby in a few weeks and I want to go visit her and it about takes an act of congress to make this happen! My mom also gets very stressed when I go away and sometimes ends up “getting sick”! I am tired, sad and frustrated of the lack of support my husband and I get. The one good thing is that she has allowed me to have caregivers come in for a few hours so I can get out and shop and do some of the things I need to get done. So I can empathize with you. I would see if you can bring some people in from outside to give you a break. Mom was very resistant to this. I told her that the goal was to keep her at home but if she feel the reality was she might not come back because I might not be able to care for her. I told her your 87 you make your own choices but you have to be aware of the consequences of your choices. One of them is the real possibility you won’t be living at home. That did help, she didn’t like either of the ladies at first but she loves them now.