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Elderly parent living with me

Posted by srdatt @srdatt, Apr 19, 2023

I Mom lives with me and my husband. I love her very much but I don't know how much longer I can deal with her being part of every aspect of my life. There is no privacy. She is very resentful of my friends and my husband because we have many friends who visit and who we visit with. She makes snide comments about us (we are very much in love and show a great deal of affection towards each other, daily!). If I go to visit my daughter or a friend for a day or two she suddenly is sick or there is some major issue with SOMETHING! She is 87 and very healthy and cognizant but whenever we have plans, she suddenly becomes 107 instead of 87! Its very frustrating because I know there's nothing wrong with her...only when its convenient for her. For the past 10 years since I got married she has followed us everywhere we moved and disrupted our lives, even when we were newlyweds. I guess I feel so much resentment towards her that every thing she does that aggravates me is escalated. I really don't want ill feelings towards my mom but how do I curb this feeling and just let things slide off my back?

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vickie30 | @vickie30 | Feb 22 6:41am
In reply to @dollyme "Sounds like a bit of codependency going on here as you allow her to butt into..." + (show)
@dollyme

Sounds like a bit of codependency going on here as you allow her to butt into your life all the time.

Why is she living with you in the first place?

There are options available, like section 8 apartments, Independent Living and Assisted Living.

My mother is 98 in AL loves it, she has friends, activities, doesn't have to cook or clean and 24/7 there is someone there. Have you considered this?

Your mother could live another 10 years, do you really want to give up another 10 years of your life for her?

Time to come up with a plan to take your life back, stop living vicariously through her lenses.

There is a great site called Aging Care.com lots of people dealing with the same issues as you are.

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Well we left AZ and moved her with us due to the fact that she may have more trouble with her seizures. She has been living on her own until this transition.

REPLY
Lynne Marie | @lbrockme | Mar 5 11:30am
In reply to @vickie30 "I have a similar situation with my 80 year old mother who has always been my..." + (show)
@vickie30

I have a similar situation with my 80 year old mother who has always been my best friend. She always relies on me for every decision and that was fine up until my husband and I moved from AZ to NC and took her with us. She now has a basement apartment in our home.
I have fibromyalgia and need alone time but she is so needy since the move, I feel bad saying this.
We will be traveling in April and Mum is giving me a guilt trip about leaving her. I am feeling like I made the wrong decision to have her here with us?

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That's hard! Perhaps you can engage her with a group at the local senior center... connect her with someone she can talk to besides you? I know she's making you feel guilty...but you need some self care as well. And as long as she has someone to connect with while you are gone , then try to get the guilt go. You are important, your relationships aside from her, are important and actually make you a better caregiver when with her. Go and have fun! You are worth care too!

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