1. < Caregivers: Dementia
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Don’t tell and don’t ask.

Posted by 4goakley Kathy @4goakley, Apr 3 7:01am

In a recent post a contributor said they no longer tell their spouse about future plans so as not to start an argument.
It does feel odd to keep things from the person you always discussed everything with and made decisions with.
In my case I am trying to downsize …..clearing out CDs, books, clothing, dishes, etc
I discovered that asking him to decide which items he wants to keep or give away just causes him stress. ( After all, he might NEED the encyclopedia , beer mugs, or old sweaters !! )
I realize he is happy if I just "disappear " these items. Out of sight out of mind. He doesn’t notice that the bookshelf is nearly empty. I will store some things like his photo albums and travel journals at our kids' houses for a few years, but he shows no interest in these now.
He is also content to know bills are paid or income tax done without his involvement. Sad, but the new reality. I’m in charge…..sigh !

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

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grandmajoan | @grandmajoan | Apr 8 7:30am

My situation is so similar. I know exactly what you are saying.

I am in the process of getting ready for a move. We just went through all of our CDs and my husband wants to keep all of them, even though we don’t listen to any of them. We are going to have a cousin digitize the CDs onto thumb drives, and then we will be able to discard them. That is an example of an activity that went sideways.

What I am mostly doing is throwing things away that we don’t need without involving my husband. It’s so sad but I know that he doesn’t remember any of these belongings and won’t miss them.

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grandmajoan | @grandmajoan | Apr 8 7:33am
In reply to @brn2tch "Hello…. As I begin this journey of dementia with my 57 year old husband, I’m seeing..." + (show)
Profile picture for brn2tch @brn2tch

Hello…. As I begin this journey of dementia with my 57 year old husband, I’m seeing so much of the same things others speak about. He doesn’t show interest in much of anything anymore. He doesn’t engage in our church group on Wednesday and truly struggles to even follow along. Everything seems forced.
We’re actually in the process of packing because we just purchased a home and I have no idea what to expect when the boxes are unpacked! He might have decided he didn’t need our want something important and yet, we may have 16 screwdrivers in a kitchen drawer!
I enjoy/dread reading these posts because I’m truly unnerved about what the future hold for my family…Our 3 kids are all under 5 years old🥺

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@brn2tch I hope you can find someone help now and after the move. Hugs.

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bobcmcc | @bobcmcc | Apr 8 12:24pm
In reply to @labrown "@cyds I have the same problem with my hubby. I throw something away just to find..." + (show)
Profile picture for labrown @labrown

@cyds I have the same problem with my hubby. I throw something away just to find it laying on the counter after hubby has gathered the household trash. I have started waiting til the night before the garbage truck runs early the next morning to slip anything into the outside container that I think he might pull out. I always put it in a trash bag like the rest of the garbage so he does not suspect. 🤫

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I do the EXACT same thing

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labrown | @labrown | Apr 9 7:55am
In reply to @jopa1951 "I have been taking over, daily processing of things to process. She doesn't even know. Boxes..." + (show)
Profile picture for jopa1951 @jopa1951

I have been taking over, daily processing of things to process. She doesn't even know. Boxes and boxes of stuff disappears, I am sure it is helpful, there is no need for all the stuff that is stuffed into random places. It's a tough job, she can't see me doing it. Satisfying to get to the bottom of a drawer. Finding stuff that indicates problems with organizing started way before I noticed problems.
Two major areas that I have not made progress, 1, so many loose pictures ( found in almost every drawer) 2, her clothes ( I finally have them organized but have not been able to reduce/eliminate excess.
Ball is in your court, peace and love to you and yours

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@jopa1951 I am about to do the same….sort through all the years of stuff and discreetly remove things that need to be gone.

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cyds | @cyds | Apr 9 11:21am

A little off subject, but still kind of related. My brother, who was a terrible hoarder, was so attached to things he'd collected. When, as a family, we helped him clean up enough to not be kicked out of his apartment, would take things to the dump only to find it back the next month when we return to help again. We started cutting up and breaking down the items, then bag them up before taking to the dump. We'd laugh about it, taking bets on what we'd find returned next time.

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lag630 | @lag630 | Apr 10 5:41am
In reply to @labrown "@cyds I have the same problem with my hubby. I throw something away just to find..." + (show)
Profile picture for labrown @labrown

@cyds I have the same problem with my hubby. I throw something away just to find it laying on the counter after hubby has gathered the household trash. I have started waiting til the night before the garbage truck runs early the next morning to slip anything into the outside container that I think he might pull out. I always put it in a trash bag like the rest of the garbage so he does not suspect. 🤫

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@labrown Me too! Who would’ve thought that garbage night would involve intense strategic planning?

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