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Does anyone have tips for communicating with someone with dementia?

Posted by bclane @bclane, Apr 3, 2025

I've been increasingly frustrated with trying to communicate with my husband. It's like the stereotype of the husband never listening to the wife. For example, this morning he read off a message on his phone that the battery was low and it needed charging. I told him to get the charger, that it was the white cord hanging on the side of the dresser mirror. I thought the directions were pretty clear.

He came back with a belt—and it wasn't white and hadn't been hanging on the side of the dresser mirror either. I retrieved the cord myself, and when he saw it, he said I should have said that and not mentioned a belt (which I hadn't).

A week ago I had a doctor's appointment and a neighbor stayed with him while I went. For the first time, I wrote a note about where I was going and when I expected to be back and gave it to him. He wasn't offended by that, and the neighbor said he pulled it out and read it several times.

He often reads things out loud, like the captions on the TV news, so it just occurred to me this morning that maybe he can't hang on to spoken words. Maybe if I'd written a short note describing the phone charger and where it was located, that would have worked better. Has anyone else experienced this with the person they're caring for?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

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gilkesl | @gilkesl | 1 day ago
In reply to @bclane "That is great that he remembered what you'd said about when the clock would change. It's..." + (show)
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That is great that he remembered what you'd said about when the clock would change. It's true—you don't know what's going on in there and what will stick and what won't. I'm getting pretty good at not correcting my husband when he doesn't remember or understand something trivial, but when it's something important, I still do. I can't help but think it's not doing him any favors to reinforce something that's not so, especially when he's having trouble hanging on to what's real anyway.

I mean, if a person makes a mistake remembering something or doesn't understand something that's relatively important and no one speaks up to tell that person otherwise, how is he to know what's real (even if only for a short time) and what isn't? Seems like that would make him lose his connection to reality even faster. And as long as it doesn't upset him (which, so far, it doesn't seem to), what is the harm?

I expect that there will come a time when it will be better for me not to speak up, but I don't think we're there yet.

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@bclane Research has shown that all of our brains are wired to confabulate ( make up things). If something doesn't make sense, we automatically fill in the details from previous experiences or dreams. We believe our confabulation is true. This just occurs more often with dementia people. If it isn't harmful, just listen and nod. It decreases their agitation to speak the scenario aloud and is similar to you telling someone about a bad dream then forgetting the dream.

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timber2026 | @timber2026 | 1 day ago
In reply to @defleurs "My husband who has MCI has become fixated on our finances. He is sure we will..." + (show)
Profile picture for defleurs @defleurs

My husband who has MCI has become fixated on our finances. He is sure we will run out of money before we die. I have gone over our expenses and assets with my 2 daughters. There is no way what he is thinking is true.

We plan to go to a fiduciary financial planner to assess our finances.

I understand this is not uncommon for MCI men. How have you managed this thinking?

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@defleurs My husband has been fixated on our $$. He asks every day how much we have. We love our financial advisor and he is very patient and kind with my husband. We had an upcoming appt with him so I called him and told him he could talk to me privately about our account. But during our appt I asked him to make it clear to my husband that we have plenty of money to last. My husband was so pleased when we left and hasn't asked since.

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celia16 | @celia16 | 5 hours ago
In reply to @timber2026 "@defleurs My husband has been fixated on our $$. He asks every day how much we..." + (show)
Profile picture for timber2026 @timber2026

@defleurs My husband has been fixated on our $$. He asks every day how much we have. We love our financial advisor and he is very patient and kind with my husband. We had an upcoming appt with him so I called him and told him he could talk to me privately about our account. But during our appt I asked him to make it clear to my husband that we have plenty of money to last. My husband was so pleased when we left and hasn't asked since.

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@timber2026 That’s great news! I hope it resolves it, but I’d be prepared to deal with him revisiting the issue as if the conversation never happened. Sometimes, it’s like Groundhog Day the movie.

My cousin got scared in her car one day when she couldn’t get out. Neighbors helped her. She handed me the keys and said it’s broke. Get rid of it. She never wanted to drive again. But, my dad was different. He would say he wouldn’t drive, but then he’d want to get the keys….forgetting what he had said. He’d also read bank statements and think there was a mistake. He’d want to go in and meet with bank representative most weeks. He’d forget he had already done that. We kept saying we’d go the next week.

So people handle it differently. Rarely, is it resolved and done, though I certainly hope that for you.

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