Debilitating dread

I wonder how many books have been written on the subject of anxiety disorders and such. Sorry I am not as learned as some commentators on here, and find it hard to explain sometimes; but am beginning to wonder if we were almost "distined" to anxiety, worry, emotional responses? Sort of "nature/nurture? combined? Only our generation faces and face different situations/stress/issues that our previous ones.. that our natural parents had to face? My Mum was cheerful, almost self- educated and went to work so our standard of living would be higher, but not that high...and I didnt think of her as a worrier until later in both our lives; and I think my Dad had issues - his childhood was never spoken about esp in front of children but I know he missed a lot of school due to an accident when a child - but it wasnt talked about... but something would upset him and he wouldnt talk to my Mum and us for a few days and then pop into the room, rubbing his hands and wondering "what's for tea (supper)" with a big smile... I realize their behaviours was not shocking, abusive no drinking and such, but perhaps the "bad things" in their personalities were passed down to me .... a shy nervous thin child, a bit of a loner etc. and wondered what everyone thought of me.... again not a major problem then but my life of being bossed around by people and trying to cope with abusive first husband and moving to another country as a teen, alone, etc. although I didnt feel depressed or anxious, there was something within me ... or like part of me was missing. I was easy to please and did not cause problems for anyone but lonely and again worrying about everything.. wont go on as hard to explain and not that interesting a read... but why and how is it that some folk from the time they are young almost to death are so happy go lucky and roll with the punches and don't worry about anything ... etc? Were they "born that way?"

Thank you all very much. This forum is kinda my last ditch effort to reach out for support.

It seems like every time I try to “get help” I end up feeling even more beat down &/or sorry that I confided.

I have talked to a therapist. I was on antidepressants for a few years. But I feel like I’m just circling the drain; some days nearer the top, some days the bottom.

Things I have &/or am dealing with: dysfunctional family; family history of depression, anxiety, drug abuse, suicide attempts, self harm, personality disorders (I suspect so anyway);
in myself: depression, anxiety, self loathing, self harm, being a weak coward, (i could go on with that thread but won’t). My parents both have degenerative diseases; I try to be caregiver but am falling short.

I know it sounds selfish, but all I want in the world is to live in my house with my husband (the only person I’m hanging in there for) and my fur babies and leave the entire rest of the world behind. But even the joy in those things are being “syphoned” out of me. (like you said esikora). Im angry all the time and can’t feel happiness anymore.

I also have an anxiety disorder and I feel the same dread. I have nightmares. I obsess constantly. I worry about things that happened 20 years ago. I have to tell myself it doesn't matter. But still the thoughts torment me. I took Ativan but my newest psychiatrist told me I was drug addict. So I totally empathize.

I have anxiety disorder and depression. That’s awful
your doc called you a drug addict . I am so sorry 😢. I am scared I can’t function without meds . I know my Zolloff has worn off but I am too scared to try something else . My husband had a recent cancer diagnosis. I am a total wreck . I take klonopin . I also need trazodone and Restoril to sleep . I am so scared of cognitive future problems. I have insomnia . It is dreadful way to live . 😢😢😢

One more depressed person. I've had two breakups, the first my husband of 16 years and I had two children to raise alone. The second was. 2years later I just knew I'd grow old with him. Not to be. 23years yes, 23 years later it was over. I was newly retired too and alone. It was horrible. Took me 8 years to normalize again. I sought help, meds prescribed. So much time wasted, am still so lonely. Friends I had have moved or are busy with grandchildren.

I get up in the morning because I can. SAD ! Some actually physically can't I tell myself.
I hope you can turn it all around.

I am so very sorry about your husband's diagnosis. Please try not to panic. He needs your support now more than ever. Try a new medication if your doctor recommends it. You have nothing to lose at this point! Much love to you darling ❤.

Thank you all for the virtual hugs.

I’ve been trying (for years now) to help myself; to improve myself. I read and watch a lot of videos from therapists and the like. There are quite a few things that I’ve come to realize.
My childhood was not healthy. Among other things, I was not allowed to express feelings: whether negative or positive. I still carry that tendency; like I have to keep things to myself; that I’m not supposed to make others uncomfortable or “rock the boat”.
My relationship with my dad was almost nonexistent and with my mom, very unhealthy. It’s one of the things that is making caring for them now so stressful and difficult.
I read about stress; what it is, and how it affects the mind and body. I think the massive amount of anger I’ve been having lately (like I when from someone who almost never expressed anger and was very very patient, to someone who have very little tolerance and can go into rages) is a result of the fight/flight/freeze response; not to mention a lifetime of pent up feelings including anger, anxiety and sadness.
I’ve been stuck in either fight or freeze lately because I can’t “fly away” from caring for my parents.
They are both stubborn, uncooperative and plain mean at times. I go between fight: trying to get something done that needs to be done or trying to get the needed cooperation from them; to freeze: feeling hopeless and stuck and not knowing what to do or how to handle my emotions.
All of this is bringing me to my breaking point.
I was getting better/happier/healthier because I had gotten married and moved out (not until I was 30) was away from them for a few years. Only dropping by for short visits when I decided that I was feeling strong enough to be around them without letting it get to me; then leaving before it did.
Now I can’t. I want to just stay away. I know that sounds selfish. But I really think it is once again destroying my mental and emotional health. But I can’t. They need care. And there is no one else. My brother does even more for them than I, but can’t, (and shouldn’t have to) do it by himself.

I feel like I’m stuck in this impossible situation. A constant conflict. I can’t even be free of it when I’m not physically at their house. Not anymore. It is all consuming. The stress; the need to plan what needs done next; the residual affects of how they make me feel; the anger and frustration that stays with me.
I’m sorry. But I vent. Maybe it will help. …?