Debilitating dread

I understand your fear. I refused several medications because of the serious side effects. I am praying you find some comfort and relief.

"am still so lonely" ...Oh the new pandemic that seems so perplexing because we are steps away from the other fellow humans, who, often are in the same pursuit that we are. This is what has occupied myself figuring out for the last about five years -- and getting more intense by the day. Just today I am going thru a government website about seniors living isolated and feeling lonely and another article in a national paper (Yes, I've pretty much gone thru every article on this subject in the New York Times and stored in my word files to look up and add personal notes) and I'll be calling or writing for more info in the hope that I'll find my little 'tribe' who enjoy meeting Each Other. Friendship is Mutual and therefore more honest -- and therefore rewarding -- than a spouse or sibling.

Now since we live in a ever changing society, I believe we should invent 'Spontaneous Friendships' where we Enjoy each other for whatever time we have together, whether one week or a few years. After all LIFE comes with No Guarantees. Why not plan our lives with the current restraints. To expect otherwise is to invite upon ourselves just because we dared not look at our actual circumstances.
Here's the good news for you: Women are much more open to forming friendships than men, who are too uptight about forming male friendships. I, frankly, find it bizarre that what Aristotle considered so important that he said: Life without a friend is not worth living. I am starving to find a fellow human man or woman, young or old, poor or well-off, to engage in exchanging ideas about, for example, why we've problem Talking about our Friendlessness. Or about a book, movie, ms. Swift's pull, even grade 10 school math or science. WHY it'd matter who you are except honest interest in a discussion.
Finally, I get up from restful sleep because if I did not do anything to find friends, how would I feel even a few weeks later? If I needed work, won't I'd go about finding it every day full throttle? In fact I've started on meetup.com and so far no luck -- older folks ain't here.
I've exhausted all programs in libraries within 30 min distance via public transport. But I know there is no other way but to keep on looking. I wish you get there before me! Good Luck

I think venting helps. I had an abusive mother and now I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of my abusive childhood. It is hard but there comes a time when you just have to let go. You are a person and entitled to be treated as such. I finally found the courage to leave. I settled in a new city thousands of miles away. I found a job and a place to live. A year later I met the man who became my husband for 59 years before he passed away. I found the courage to tell my mother to her face that I no longer wished to speak to her or to have anything to do with her because of her treatment to me. Why do you feel that you must look after them after the way they treated you? Please think carefully about this. Even though biologically they are your parents they have no right to treat you the way they did and in my opinion you owe them nothing. You owe yourself everything.

...sorry to hear the diagnosis after suffering through that childhood, a time when should have no worries and loving parents. I have a lot of physical and mental problems and ageing to boot. Unfortunately, I had a loving Mother and Dad... perfect? Doubt it...but not critical, did what they could for my brother and I. One thing I was left alone a lot in those days didn’t get, couldn’t afford babysitters... and again those days no tv or phone etc. In another country. I was shy, quiet etc. but had friends on street to play with etc. (Long story too long fo there)... I left home at 18 to live in Canada with a distant relative who visited his own distance relatives in UK. It was to be for 2 yrs but of course met my husband married and 2 children and still here over 60 yrs later. Abusive marriage, another story. What my side of my story is how cruel to have left my Mum ... I even went back with my 2 boys years later when separated and my spouse talked me into coming back - that lasted 2 days before out all night again and the whole works.... but not only my Mum, my brother and family - cousins, aunts etc. I missed the wedding, the funerals, and friends .... but mainly I was not there for my Mum the same way she had been there for me, he health declining and someone send me photos of her - I can barely look at them. OK she stayed alive til age 97 but she did not LIVE - no quality of life for the last 10 years. Were it not fo her privacy I would post a few pics on here... I am so so sorry to read you. Were not treated well... for me it is “almost” the opposite. ... I never did understand why adults related or not could be mean to children, or as my children, a Dad who put himself first whether it be eating out while we had barely enough to eat; spending weekends in hotels etc. .... the list goes on and sorry I didn't mean to expand on my original thought.
Adults being mean to other adults is one thing, but being mean, uncaring or not supportive of children is another and as you say, affects one’s future. (Take care and best wishes, J.)

I am on Bezzy for depression chat group. I shared about taking Ketamine for about all of the things you described in yourself dealing with daily. Sounds much like me. It helped my PTSD but has been a year and a half since i started it. My anxiety still eats me alive. Few things help those of us with so many reasons for do many mental & emotional illnesses. Perhaps look into Ketamine treatments. I had a remarkable recovery for a while. Much struggle has returned but I’m not dead. I was very desperate. Just reaching out with an idea. Prayers for you.