Dark thoughts

Hi @507, I just came in from raking the leaves in the back garden. I spread the yellow leaves from the apricot tree on the flower bed to keep the perennials protected during the winter. I love how, for a brief time, it makes my garden look golden. While the late bloomers are in their final days, I'm already dreaming about the spring when everything miraculously reappears.

As you can see, I like flowers too.

I want you to know that you are heard. I'm tagging @audriana @jane2022 @stsopoci and @jimhd to join this discussion. You might also appreciate reading Jim's words in this related discussion:
- I survived suicide attempts https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/i-survived-suicide-attempts/

I know words are an incomplete communication tool. I wish I could just pour you a cup of tea and sit with you. Alas, words are all we have on this forum. I'm glad you shared your words and hope you'll keep talking.

Thank you for the reply and words.

I would like to add that I am not a Mayo patient. Sure wish that I was and thank you for the forum.

I have bee deppressed an crying. Some of it I have reasons to feel this and some I do not.

I don't want to be alive and don't ever look foward the next. I get in desperation mode when I have the need to get away from that which is costing me pain or us making me afraid.
I don't want to go through this again. I won't describe all the ways I do forsee this happening. I look forward to feeling nothing.
The meds don't help me during this periods of wanting to get away and for the most part takkng the medication is not first during this time. I takelorazepan and it only helps for sbout 15 mins and then I must rest the meds.

I want something that knocks me unconcious. Something that allows me to not think.because my thoughts bring me aot of uncontrollable pain, anguish. I feel though that I am very vulnerable during this time and may do things impulsively.
I don't want to talk about it, it helps too little. Tired of feeling abnormal and damaged!
I would free my fam from me.

@colleenyoung1 thank you for reaching out. You knew just what button to push, too! Lol

My garden and I are resilient--survivors of the fittest.

I'm focusing on the positive. Today was the first day I tended to my plants in months. I have a November rose that loves the cool of NC and enticed me with its aroma.

When I can, I will fill-in the blanks. I'm actually doing OK...better than ok.

Tenacity has had a good pay-out!

Dear @507

I'm thinking of all the kind words that family, friends, the Mayo volunteers have shared with me, meds & treatments prescribed for me, and my own thoughts, destructive and warped at times ( since I was 12--now 67), and I remember 3 things:
"This too shall pass."
"Hope is the joyful expectation of good things to come."
"Unsuicide Note"

The Unsuicide Note is a contract I wrote 20 years ago, promising not to kill myself.
I promised my therapist, God, and myself that I would not do anything harmful to myself or others.

A little over a year ago, I shared my Unsuicide Note with the people in this group. I did it because I needed to remind myself to keep my promise.
I also did it because I trust the members in this group.

I will always remember how long ago I wrote that contract because my newborn God daughter was with me at my therapy appointment.
My therapist asked me who would take care of my grand baby when I killed myself.

Anyway, this isn't all about me. I'm sharing with you because I can relate to you. I've walked in your shoes.
It's about you finding a spark of inner strength to not just keep you alive, but hopeful for the future seconds, minutes, moments.

☮️💜
@colleenyoung1 please feel free to repost my Unsuicide Note if it will help @507

Colleen, I love your post. In some strange way, it felt like a meditation. Thank you for sharing it.

Good idea, @audriana

@507, here is the post that @audriana wrote and is referring to in her previous message.
- Unsuicide Note/Contract https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/unsuicide-notecontract/

How are you doing tonight, @507?

Ty for asking. Itcomes and goes. Life itself makes the deoression worse. At this point is difficult to smile and I find it difficult to be ir relate to people now.
I'm not graceful. Sometimes is theie fault because of their attitude and hurtful words and somtimes is my fault because I am already expecting wrong doing, carelessness.
I cant sleep right now but I am exhausted. I need to cry but I dont want to do it. Sometimes I resent that I use a walker. Thw biggest reason is my balance. I cant predict when I am going to fall backwards. Sometimes, my back twist in a weird way. They tell me "stop" as if I am in control of it. It really upsets me.
Sometimes it gets better and then back at been bad, in pain, wobbles, you know. The same with my eyes, leg, brain, burning sensationy and speech. It gets better and then it gets bad or worsens. I cant tell you the numbers of times that my eyes improve and then they go bad again. Somedays my thoughts flow naturally and then the next day I can't form a sentences. Stuck!
Ty for asking. All I have is a phone and is hard to type with kne finger.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I was trying to spend some quiet time with God this morning and distracted. I clicked your email on the Mayo site, realizing that your email was my devotional this morning. Your courage and honesty reminded me of Christ within us. The willingness to continue especially when it’s so difficult. I am revisiting the parables through a book I’m reading. I need all the help I can get in making sense of life. I am realizing that making sense of life isn’t possible or maybe not in my power. The. Circumstances are what they are. We are the change, the power to live within the constant changing surroundings and our bodies as you describe with your vision improving and then regressing. You are the miracle and the yeast working in the parable of the bread and the working yeast. I know things will improve for you as you continue your adjustment to a walker. I used a walker for a long while after breaks and brain surgery. I resented it and relied on my new friend to get me to the bathroom, etc. I felt vulnerable and dependent for the first in my life. It was humbling and not a welcome experience. I will likely need to pull my walker from the closet again in the near future. Thank you for reminding me that vulnerability can muster courage as I your case. Thanks again and use that walker to care for yourself and to see the world. Hopefully you will retire it. If not, you will see me walking to the grocery store with my trusted metal friend. ☺️

🥺🌺🌹💚ty!