Unsuicide Note/Contract

Posted by Shirley Hugh-Jesst @audriana, Aug 8, 2021

Hello Mayo Connect Moderator, the following has been a part of my life since 2001. If you perceive that my intentions are helpful and honorable, please consider releasing the document so others can read it and perhaps benefit from it.
.. in the event that you perceive it is inappropriate and perhaps problematic, then do not allow the document to be seen by the public of Mayo Connect.
I drafted an Unsuicide Contract in 2001, when my therapist and my priest encouraged me to do so. 2020 was fraught with disappointments and health issues. After 20 years, I had reached a point in my life where it benefitted me to rewrite it, update it and keep sending the document to me on a monthly basis. I hope its premise and tone will help someone.

Date: Fri, Aug 14, 2020, 8:57 PM
Subject: UNSUICIDE NOTE

Dear Family and Friends,

I have been struggling with my emotional problems for as long as I can remember: guilt, anxiety, failure, indecision, over analyzing my decisions, second guessing my decisions, lack of confidence, poor self-esteem,…and those are on my good days. Ha ha. Not!

Today, 8/12/2020, I went to the dentist and couldn't control my emotions. I was irritable, anxious, and crying in front of strangers. Tomorrow I have go to the bank where my brother's estate account is…inactivity…I dread going.
Dread having to conduct business.
Dread having to associate with people.
Dread my lack of emotional control.
Dread that I have to pretend everything is fine while my eyes are brimming, my nose is running, and I'm choking my words because I can't talk.
Dread having to be a responsible adult.
Dread having to check the mailbox.
Dread having to figure out a new password and pin. Just DREAD living like I am.

This is an UNSUICIDE NOTE.
I will not kill myself.

This is a reaffirmation of a contract I drafted with Phyllis Obergon between God and me in 2001.

A. I promise not to kill myself. That is not the legacy I want to leave behind: the unbearable possibility that I may have given a loved one permission to kill themselves would be horrific. I will do anything to prevent that from happening.

B. I will not kill myself because I do not want to leave behind the unanswerable "Why?" "Why did she do it?" "Why didn't she love me?" I will not kill myself because I will prevent "Why" from being necessary.

C. I will not kill myself because that would be my ultimate failure as a human, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a Godmother, an aunt, a cousin, a sister…a friend. I hate to fail.

D. I will not kill myself because it is a selfish act and I will remain generous with my love, time, talent, and spirit.

E. I will not kill myself because I cannot ensure 💯% success and do not want to burden my family.

F. I will not kill myself because I don't want to give self-righteous onlookers the ability to say, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." No, my problems have been long term in duration, chronic in frequency, and at times debilitating in intensity.

G. I will not kill myself because I don't want to "hear" the phrases, "She's in a better place" and " She's not suffering anymore.".This is a great place and I'm not suffering. It's all part of relative perspective.

H. I know I will not kill myself because my insurance policy suicide clause is mature enough that I would not be penalized, yet I found that out in 1994.

I. I will not kill myself because Fr. Gaul told me years ago that I will not go to hell if I commit suicide… the Catholic Church considers suicide a consequence of a mental illness..
I'm old school and it's the principle and moral obligation for me to live as long as possible so I can be as purposeful as possible.
God has a purpose for me. I've been wrong in my interpretation of what His purpose is for me. So I'm still conducting my quest.
I am Don Quixote and PollyAnna at heart.

So Dear Family and Friends, I am sharing my reaffirmation with you that I will not kill myself. There is no hidden agenda. No cry for help. No expectation of rescue…Just the points A-I that I will not kill myself. I promise.

Respectfully submitted,
Audrey Houser,
MA Ed

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety group.

So generous and honest! Thank you for sharing this. I hit a really rough patch for a few years in my 20s where I had to make a contract of sorts with myself. Reviewed weekly and at times even daily. For you to share this on connect is honorable, brave, and I believe helpful to more than a few. In light of 2020 there are many struggling and suffering. I hope today you can honor your contract and be proud that you might have spurred on a whole stack of contracts. More than that I hope you find joy in the moment.

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"Hope is the joyful expectation of good things to come. "

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@auntieoakley

So generous and honest! Thank you for sharing this. I hit a really rough patch for a few years in my 20s where I had to make a contract of sorts with myself. Reviewed weekly and at times even daily. For you to share this on connect is honorable, brave, and I believe helpful to more than a few. In light of 2020 there are many struggling and suffering. I hope today you can honor your contract and be proud that you might have spurred on a whole stack of contracts. More than that I hope you find joy in the moment.

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@auntieoakley
I continue to honor my contract from moment to moment. My Joy has been withering, momentarily, and I'm working on nourishing it..

When I reread my entry and your reply today, this song "appeared." I was in high school…graduated in 1973.
A group of us went to Toronto to see Godspell…or it could have been Joseph and His Amazing Techni-color Coat.
Who cares! I was with friends. We celebrated music, and I still have memories of a good time…albeit not necessarily an accurate memory…lol

FREDRIC NIETZSCHE: "Godspell"

Day by day
Day by day
Oh Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day…

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When I need to nourish my joy, I walk through the day with my horses making a joyful noise (can’t carry a tune in a bucket). This raises my spirits artificially until it is real again.
Do you have things that can nourish your joy, or ways to fake it until you make it?

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