Techniques for dealing with depressive episode?

I am afraid to talk about this as I don't want to end up in the hospital. I haven't tried to hurt myself at least not yet. I don't have a desire to open my eyes each. It bothers me when others interject the why I would like to end it. They have not lived my life. They have not experienced my pain. They don't know what I've lost. They don't know how it is for me. They criticize others for wanting to end our misery. Would they for a minute exchange their lives for mine, their health, their marriage, their money?People that do have pain and go through pains/problems similar to mine usually do understand why others will want to stop feeling this way. Wanting to stop the grief, torment, the painful thoughts, the physical pain isn't selfish.Some of my pain is emotional and at times is worsethan my physical or my mind percieves it that way. Some of this is agravated by family and other people as I dkn't want to be with them anymore.I don't want to feel the thoughts, emotions anguish physical pain or even my body. I want to be in a dark quiet place in complete piece. Life has lost its meaning for me and I just hang in limbo each day.I am unable to follow asleep tonight. I am having a bad day, a bad week, a bad year, a bad life.It is beggining to bother me when they point but you're alive. Being alive, for me, isn't a plus.Thanks for reading. I like flowers.

Hi @507, I just came in from raking the leaves in the back garden. I spread the yellow leaves from the apricot tree on the flower bed to keep the perennials protected during the winter. I love how, for a brief time, it makes my garden look golden. While the late bloomers are in their final days, I'm already dreaming about the spring when everything miraculously reappears.

As you can see, I like flowers too.

I want you to know that you are heard. I'm tagging @audriana @jane2022 @stsopoci and @jimhd to join this discussion. You might also appreciate reading Jim's words in this related discussion:
- I survived suicide attempts https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/i-survived-suicide-attempts/

I know words are an incomplete communication tool. I wish I could just pour you a cup of tea and sit with you. Alas, words are all we have on this forum. I'm glad you shared your words and hope you'll keep talking.

I would like to add that I am not a Mayo patient. Sure wish that I was and thank you for the forum.

I have bee deppressed an crying. Some of it I have reasons to feel this and some I do not.

I don't want to be alive and don't ever look foward the next. I get in desperation mode when I have the need to get away from that which is costing me pain or us making me afraid.
I don't want to go through this again. I won't describe all the ways I do forsee this happening. I look forward to feeling nothing.
The meds don't help me during this periods of wanting to get away and for the most part takkng the medication is not first during this time. I takelorazepan and it only helps for sbout 15 mins and then I must rest the meds.

I want something that knocks me unconcious. Something that allows me to not think.because my thoughts bring me aot of uncontrollable pain, anguish. I feel though that I am very vulnerable during this time and may do things impulsively.
I don't want to talk about it, it helps too little. Tired of feeling abnormal and damaged!
I would free my fam from me.

I am afraid to talk about this as I don't want to end up in the hospital. I haven't tried to hurt myself at least not yet. I don't have a desire to open my eyes each. It bothers me when others interject the why I would like to end it. They have not lived my life. They have not experienced my pain. They don't know what I've lost. They don't know how it is for me. They criticize others for wanting to end our misery. Would they for a minute exchange their lives for mine, their health, their marriage, their money?People that do have pain and go through pains/problems similar to mine usually do understand why others will want to stop feeling this way. Wanting to stop the grief, torment, the painful thoughts, the physical pain isn't selfish.Some of my pain is emotional and at times is worsethan my physical or my mind percieves it that way. Some of this is agravated by family and other people as I dkn't want to be with them anymore.I don't want to feel the thoughts, emotions anguish physical pain or even my body. I want to be in a dark quiet place in complete piece. Life has lost its meaning for me and I just hang in limbo each day.I am unable to follow asleep tonight. I am having a bad day, a bad week, a bad year, a bad life.It is beggining to bother me when they point but you're alive. Being alive, for me, isn't a plus.Thanks for reading. I like flowers.

Dear @507

I'm thinking of all the kind words that family, friends, the Mayo volunteers have shared with me, meds & treatments prescribed for me, and my own thoughts, destructive and warped at times ( since I was 12--now 67), and I remember 3 things:
"This too shall pass."
"Hope is the joyful expectation of good things to come."
"Unsuicide Note"

The Unsuicide Note is a contract I wrote 20 years ago, promising not to kill myself.
I promised my therapist, God, and myself that I would not do anything harmful to myself or others.

A little over a year ago, I shared my Unsuicide Note with the people in this group. I did it because I needed to remind myself to keep my promise.
I also did it because I trust the members in this group.

I will always remember how long ago I wrote that contract because my newborn God daughter was with me at my therapy appointment.
My therapist asked me who would take care of my grand baby when I killed myself.

Anyway, this isn't all about me. I'm sharing with you because I can relate to you. I've walked in your shoes.
It's about you finding a spark of inner strength to not just keep you alive, but hopeful for the future seconds, minutes, moments.

☮️💜
@colleenyoung1 please feel free to repost my Unsuicide Note if it will help @507

I am afraid to talk about this as I don't want to end up in the hospital. I haven't tried to hurt myself at least not yet. I don't have a desire to open my eyes each. It bothers me when others interject the why I would like to end it. They have not lived my life. They have not experienced my pain. They don't know what I've lost. They don't know how it is for me. They criticize others for wanting to end our misery. Would they for a minute exchange their lives for mine, their health, their marriage, their money?People that do have pain and go through pains/problems similar to mine usually do understand why others will want to stop feeling this way. Wanting to stop the grief, torment, the painful thoughts, the physical pain isn't selfish.Some of my pain is emotional and at times is worsethan my physical or my mind percieves it that way. Some of this is agravated by family and other people as I dkn't want to be with them anymore.I don't want to feel the thoughts, emotions anguish physical pain or even my body. I want to be in a dark quiet place in complete piece. Life has lost its meaning for me and I just hang in limbo each day.I am unable to follow asleep tonight. I am having a bad day, a bad week, a bad year, a bad life.It is beggining to bother me when they point but you're alive. Being alive, for me, isn't a plus.Thanks for reading. I like flowers.

I am afraid to talk about this as I don't want to end up in the hospital. I haven't tried to hurt myself at least not yet. I don't have a desire to open my eyes each. It bothers me when others interject the why I would like to end it. They have not lived my life. They have not experienced my pain. They don't know what I've lost. They don't know how it is for me. They criticize others for wanting to end our misery. Would they for a minute exchange their lives for mine, their health, their marriage, their money?People that do have pain and go through pains/problems similar to mine usually do understand why others will want to stop feeling this way. Wanting to stop the grief, torment, the painful thoughts, the physical pain isn't selfish.Some of my pain is emotional and at times is worsethan my physical or my mind percieves it that way. Some of this is agravated by family and other people as I dkn't want to be with them anymore.I don't want to feel the thoughts, emotions anguish physical pain or even my body. I want to be in a dark quiet place in complete piece. Life has lost its meaning for me and I just hang in limbo each day.I am unable to follow asleep tonight. I am having a bad day, a bad week, a bad year, a bad life.It is beggining to bother me when they point but you're alive. Being alive, for me, isn't a plus.Thanks for reading. I like flowers.

Thank you for responding to my comment. I use a walker and I spend most of the time in my bed. I live alone. I have a lot of emotional pain and I'm unable to do many physical things like I did before. I hope that one day I can look like I did before. Maybe then I could go walking

I am afraid to talk about this as I don't want to end up in the hospital. I haven't tried to hurt myself at least not yet. I don't have a desire to open my eyes each. It bothers me when others interject the why I would like to end it. They have not lived my life. They have not experienced my pain. They don't know what I've lost. They don't know how it is for me. They criticize others for wanting to end our misery. Would they for a minute exchange their lives for mine, their health, their marriage, their money?People that do have pain and go through pains/problems similar to mine usually do understand why others will want to stop feeling this way. Wanting to stop the grief, torment, the painful thoughts, the physical pain isn't selfish.Some of my pain is emotional and at times is worsethan my physical or my mind percieves it that way. Some of this is agravated by family and other people as I dkn't want to be with them anymore.I don't want to feel the thoughts, emotions anguish physical pain or even my body. I want to be in a dark quiet place in complete piece. Life has lost its meaning for me and I just hang in limbo each day.I am unable to follow asleep tonight. I am having a bad day, a bad week, a bad year, a bad life.It is beggining to bother me when they point but you're alive. Being alive, for me, isn't a plus.Thanks for reading. I like flowers.