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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 610
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

~ Do I stay here and make my kids happy, or do I move back? ~

Posted by @amberpep, Mar 11, 2017

Hi everyone. I won’t belabor this, but it’s been a horrible few weeks. I’m so sorry I moved here, but don’t feel I can move back to my condo because my girls would be really upset. They have real lives, but I don’t. Their Dad, from whom I’m divorced after a 40 year marriage, also lives down this way and, typical of narcissists, has made himself the “center of attention.” He is a real “joiner” meaning he joins all sorts of groups and then leads them, he’s the favored Grandpop as he’s been down here for 10 years. and will go to almost any extent to be the “wise old owl.” I am not one to take over ….. he is. I see my grandkids about once a week, which is fine, but then the rest of the week, I’m just here. So, the question is “do I stay here and make my kids happy?” or do I move back to my condo in Frederick, MD where I will be happy and my foundation and support system is all there? And, at 72, I realize I’m going to be needing help someday down the road …. is it fair to make them drive up there to help me? My X husband and I did all the time or our parents. I cannot find a church in my denomination (Western Orthodox) except for 1-1/2 hrs. away. I may just have to do that and drive there each Sunday.
I don’t want to go through the rest of my life feeling like a black cloud is sitting on my head. I just should have stuck to my guns and not agreed to move down here at all.
abby

REPLY

@amberpep I’m sorry to see that you are still struggling with your change in residence and the influence of your ex-husband. It is a difficult road and I understand that. I would encourage you to do whatever it takes to be happy during this time. Best wishes as you sort out your feelings and make a new life for yourself. I know how difficult it can be! Teresa

@hopeful33250

@amberpep I’m sorry to see that you are still struggling with your change in residence and the influence of your ex-husband. It is a difficult road and I understand that. I would encourage you to do whatever it takes to be happy during this time. Best wishes as you sort out your feelings and make a new life for yourself. I know how difficult it can be! Teresa

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Hi Teresa ….. I’m sorry to be such a whiner. Truthfully, I have never in my life been like this before, but there’s something about being uprooted at this age and expected to thrive ….. without a partner.
I did make an appt. with the hairdresser I used in Frederick. I loved the way she did my hair ….. the cut and style, highlights, and this time of year I’d get a blue stripe and purple stripe in the front. I go to a lady down here who is actually my daughter’s sister-in-law … family. I’ve been going there and while she’s really nice, she just doesn’t have the knack and skill the one did in Frederick. I’m sure this won’t fly very well, but at least it’ll be another taste of Frederick that I can count on. I will try to be more positive …. promise.
abby

@hopeful33250

@amberpep I’m sorry to see that you are still struggling with your change in residence and the influence of your ex-husband. It is a difficult road and I understand that. I would encourage you to do whatever it takes to be happy during this time. Best wishes as you sort out your feelings and make a new life for yourself. I know how difficult it can be! Teresa

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@amberpep Abby, You are definitely NOT a whiner, you are simply good at expressing how you are feeling in the moment. The more we can express those feelings the better we can feel. I know from your past posts that you are a strong woman who has faced many difficulties and I know that you will face this one as well. I think going back to your former hair dresser is a great way to make yourself happy. Perhaps the trip to the church will be a good thing as well. I understand that it is quite a distance to drive, but even if you just do it once or twice per month, it will give you an opportunity to meet new people and worship in a way that is familiar to you. You will thrive in time! Take care and best wishes for a better weekend yet to come. Teresa

@hopeful33250

@amberpep I’m sorry to see that you are still struggling with your change in residence and the influence of your ex-husband. It is a difficult road and I understand that. I would encourage you to do whatever it takes to be happy during this time. Best wishes as you sort out your feelings and make a new life for yourself. I know how difficult it can be! Teresa

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Thank you so much for your encouraging words Teresa …. I am looking forward to going to my old hairdresser …. she’s pricey, but I’ll start now to pinch even tighter …… it’s worth it … not just in the hair do, but emotionally!
abby

@hopeful33250

@amberpep I’m sorry to see that you are still struggling with your change in residence and the influence of your ex-husband. It is a difficult road and I understand that. I would encourage you to do whatever it takes to be happy during this time. Best wishes as you sort out your feelings and make a new life for yourself. I know how difficult it can be! Teresa

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@amberpep You are right, Abby. Hair stylists are more than just service workers, they become an important part of our support network! I appreciate my stylist as well. Teresa

@hopeful33250

@amberpep I’m sorry to see that you are still struggling with your change in residence and the influence of your ex-husband. It is a difficult road and I understand that. I would encourage you to do whatever it takes to be happy during this time. Best wishes as you sort out your feelings and make a new life for yourself. I know how difficult it can be! Teresa

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Thanks Teresa ….. I loved this stylist when I was in MD. Of course, she’s got Md prices, but I’ll save up for them. I was never disappointed with the way she did my hair or cut it. I like the gal I’m with now ….. she’s certainly been extremely generous as far as prices , but she has her own definite ideas and they don’t always agree with what I want. But, you know how it is ….. she’s family and I don’t like doing this, but since I go up to MD every other Tues. anyhow, I’ll just make an appt. with her those afternoons. Maybe I’ll feel better if I again like my hair………typical female, I guess.
abby

Hi I came across your post and I feel your pain. You only have one life and if you feel like you should move back to your condo and be happy then do it. Your grown children have their lives and you need to have yours and living with a narcissist myself I'm taking my life back and his dementia is getting worse. Do not feel like you should feel like you're at the back of the bus or corner of a room. My husband is retired doctor and now everywhere we go do you know who I am, you all are nothing but plebeians and newts. My passion is my animals and I'm very dedicated and in them with zoos now and finally enjoying my life. My only child from a previous marriage passed away four days after her 29th birthday. I raise her two children with my ex and now I'm the proud grandmother of two great-grandchildren. They have their lives and I have mine now. Do not feel guilty at all for wanting to enjoy your own life. Your children will come around. God bless you an email me anytime you need Many prayers,Angel

@hopeful33250

@amberpep I’m sorry to see that you are still struggling with your change in residence and the influence of your ex-husband. It is a difficult road and I understand that. I would encourage you to do whatever it takes to be happy during this time. Best wishes as you sort out your feelings and make a new life for yourself. I know how difficult it can be! Teresa

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@amberpep Bravo Abby! Sounds like a great plan. Teresa

@skunklady13

Hi I came across your post and I feel your pain. You only have one life and if you feel like you should move back to your condo and be happy then do it. Your grown children have their lives and you need to have yours and living with a narcissist myself I'm taking my life back and his dementia is getting worse. Do not feel like you should feel like you're at the back of the bus or corner of a room. My husband is retired doctor and now everywhere we go do you know who I am, you all are nothing but plebeians and newts. My passion is my animals and I'm very dedicated and in them with zoos now and finally enjoying my life. My only child from a previous marriage passed away four days after her 29th birthday. I raise her two children with my ex and now I'm the proud grandmother of two great-grandchildren. They have their lives and I have mine now. Do not feel guilty at all for wanting to enjoy your own life. Your children will come around. God bless you an email me anytime you need Many prayers,Angel

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@skunklady13 Please accept my condolences on the death of your daughter (you don’t mention how long ago that was). How very tragic to lose a child that young. It sounds as if you have created a rewarding life for yourself and for your grandchildren. How wonderful. Enjoy the blessings. Teresa

@skunklady13

Hi I came across your post and I feel your pain. You only have one life and if you feel like you should move back to your condo and be happy then do it. Your grown children have their lives and you need to have yours and living with a narcissist myself I'm taking my life back and his dementia is getting worse. Do not feel like you should feel like you're at the back of the bus or corner of a room. My husband is retired doctor and now everywhere we go do you know who I am, you all are nothing but plebeians and newts. My passion is my animals and I'm very dedicated and in them with zoos now and finally enjoying my life. My only child from a previous marriage passed away four days after her 29th birthday. I raise her two children with my ex and now I'm the proud grandmother of two great-grandchildren. They have their lives and I have mine now. Do not feel guilty at all for wanting to enjoy your own life. Your children will come around. God bless you an email me anytime you need Many prayers,Angel

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skunklady …….
I cannot even imagine what it must be like to lose a child ….. to me that would be unbearable. Bless you for walking through this nightmare and coming out strong and able to take care of your grandkids. You are an amazing lady.
As for me, I’ve always had trouble speaking up for myself ….. as I “joke” (although it’s not really), I have my PhD in “Catastrophic Thinking,” people will get mad at me, I’ll disappoint them, I might not like it as much as I thought, my children will be hurt, they’ll feel like they’re not important ……. blah, blah, blah. These things haunt me as I don’t want to hurt them ….. in my mind and heart that says “bad Mom, bad Mom.” I’ve gone through this with my therapist – I had to before, during, and after my divorce – but somehow when it comes to my kids ….. it’s a different ballgame. I should see him this Tuesday (IF we don’t get snowed in) and I think we’d better revisit that whole thing. Raised an only child in an alcoholic home, abuse in every form, and then married to a narcissist, “survival” meant keeping my mouth shut and not making waves or making anyone angry or disappointed in me. (I was well trained) Thank you so very much for your encouragement.
abby

Hi Amber, my name is Lacey and I want you to know, theres nothing wrong in the way you feel. Most people I know are sorry they moved to another state or area for what-ever reason. I also want you to know, that you cannot change your life for your children, ex-husband or anyone else for that matter, it never works, as everyone has their own lives.
You have to join groups, talk to other people aside from family and go out to lunch and shopping with any friends you may have made, if not, than get out and meet people, theres plenty of lonely people out there. Be strong and take care of your own life, make yourself # 1. God bless you Amber.

You need to do what you can do to make yourself and stop worrying so much about what other people think. I hope you make up your mind soon.
Good luck and please let us know what you decide.
Take care,
Lesllie

@lesbatts

You need to do what you can do to make yourself and stop worrying so much about what other people think. I hope you make up your mind soon.
Good luck and please let us know what you decide.
Take care,
Lesllie

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I’m going to talk this over with my therapist Tuesday and go from there. I’m afraid I’ll just choose to stay, no matter how much I don’t like it, just so my kids aren’t hurt. (I know, don’t say it.)
abby

@lacey

Hi Amber, my name is Lacey and I want you to know, theres nothing wrong in the way you feel. Most people I know are sorry they moved to another state or area for what-ever reason. I also want you to know, that you cannot change your life for your children, ex-husband or anyone else for that matter, it never works, as everyone has their own lives.
You have to join groups, talk to other people aside from family and go out to lunch and shopping with any friends you may have made, if not, than get out and meet people, theres plenty of lonely people out there. Be strong and take care of your own life, make yourself # 1. God bless you Amber.

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Lacey ….. thank you for your compassion. That helps this morning, for sure. My social life used to revolve around groups in my church in MD, but my particular denomination isn’t down this way…….Western Orthodox. There is Eastern, but while they have the same beliefs, the service and “rules” are quite strict and to my way of thinking, legalistic. The closest Western one is 1-1/2 hours away, which I could do on a Sunday, but not during the week for other groups.
I’ve never been much of a joiner ….. the one thing I did in MD was the SASSM ….. St. Andrews Scottish Society of Mid Maryland ….. it’s a group of Scottish folks who meet monthly, have various events throughout the year, share stories, and the big event of the year is always the Celtic Festival in May. I so much miss those people and the Festival. I always oversaw the author’s venue, where we had Celtic authors displaying and reading their books. Being a book nut, I just savored it.
Sorry about the blabbling, but I realize how much I’ve left behind when I moved. I think before I see my therapist, I’ll again make a list of “pros and cons.” That should help clarify things a bit.
I “know” what I want to do, but I’m so concerned about hurting my kids that I’m almost paralyzed mentally.
abby

Amber, you sound a lot like me. I guess I would do anything to make my son feel better, but he’s the one that moved away after he retired. I know he loves me and he visits a couple of times a year. We’re planning now to move into a retirement community if we ever get an apartment. It has been a hard decision because it will take all our money and there will be nothing left for our son, but we can’t stay in our home with no one to help out occasionally. Life sure doesn’t turn out like we expect, does it?

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