~ Do I stay here and make my kids happy, or do I move back? ~

Posted by amberpep @amberpep, Mar 11, 2017

Hi everyone. I won’t belabor this, but it’s been a horrible few weeks. I’m so sorry I moved here, but don’t feel I can move back to my condo because my girls would be really upset. They have real lives, but I don’t. Their Dad, from whom I’m divorced after a 40 year marriage, also lives down this way and, typical of narcissists, has made himself the “center of attention.” He is a real “joiner” meaning he joins all sorts of groups and then leads them, he’s the favored Grandpop as he’s been down here for 10 years. and will go to almost any extent to be the “wise old owl.” I am not one to take over ….. he is. I see my grandkids about once a week, which is fine, but then the rest of the week, I’m just here. So, the question is “do I stay here and make my kids happy?” or do I move back to my condo in Frederick, MD where I will be happy and my foundation and support system is all there? And, at 72, I realize I’m going to be needing help someday down the road …. is it fair to make them drive up there to help me? My X husband and I did all the time or our parents. I cannot find a church in my denomination (Western Orthodox) except for 1-1/2 hrs. away. I may just have to do that and drive there each Sunday.
I don’t want to go through the rest of my life feeling like a black cloud is sitting on my head. I just should have stuck to my guns and not agreed to move down here at all.
abby

Hi Amber, Lacey here, I think your stuck in mind and thought regarding your kids. I have a son in Ilonois and
he kept pestering for me to move there, that would never happen, I love North Carolina and my home with my
3 doggies here. You will always regret not going back to the roots you love and your religion sounds very close
to your heart and soul , as mine is and you have to do whats best for you, it will be your decision and if and I
know they do Love you, they would want you to be happy. Listen to your heart. Lacey

@lacey

Hi Amber, my name is Lacey and I want you to know, theres nothing wrong in the way you feel. Most people I know are sorry they moved to another state or area for what-ever reason. I also want you to know, that you cannot change your life for your children, ex-husband or anyone else for that matter, it never works, as everyone has their own lives.
You have to join groups, talk to other people aside from family and go out to lunch and shopping with any friends you may have made, if not, than get out and meet people, theres plenty of lonely people out there. Be strong and take care of your own life, make yourself # 1. God bless you Amber.

Jump to this post

THANK YOU, so much Lacey for telling me that there are many other people who feel just as I do. Somehow, before I moved, everyone around me used to say, “oh, you make friends easily … you’ll be fine.” And, that’s pretty much what my kids tell me now …. you’ll be fine, Mom. OK, then when???? I’ve been here for almost 18 months and I still do not like the area at all. I may have used this before here, but it’s rather like taking an old tree, digging it out by its roots, and replanting it in another country ….. it may thrive, it may not.
abby

What about all those people who tell us that “oh, I moved closer to my son/daughter and I’m so happy.” Maybe if I was going to Florida it would be different, but MD is my home, and that’s where I belonged.
And the thing about needing help at some point ….. I had the knee replacement, and then the revision knee replacement, and none of my kids came to stay a few days to help me ….. I had a girlfriend come down from PA for the first one. One of my girls has 2 kids (homeschools one of them), and the other works. It’s always something that makes them not be able to come help. If I were here, it would be different …. that’s the plus side, and truthfully, I think the side my kids, and I, have been thinking of. I’m 72 and it’s realistic …….
abby

@lesbatts

You need to do what you can do to make yourself and stop worrying so much about what other people think. I hope you make up your mind soon.
Good luck and please let us know what you decide.
Take care,
Lesllie

Jump to this post

I’m sorry I proof read my post and didn’t catch my mistake. It should say make yourself happy.

Your spiritual family is your “real” family – blood relatives, less so – particularly in the bigger picture. I was married to a narcissist for two years and never married again, it was so traumatic. Sadly I had to co-parent with him (more than 33 years now) our only child, so watching her jumping through hoops trying to get him to love her has been torture. Very very hard to parent emotionally healthy children with a narcissist and your daughters are doubtless going to have been impacted. Anyway after forty years, you’ve gone above and beyond for your adult children – they have their own lives now – and you need to focus on your spiritual family and recognize at 72, it is now or never. I think we have a responsibility to recognize our “higher” purpose in life – remember the first commandment – and if you have a meaningful spiritual life back in your condo, go for it. Teaching your children that you also have an important life (above and beyond them and their desire to be with their dad) and just return to the place you are happy and most God centered. Life is short. If you make God #1 in your life, you’ll never be sorry. Focus on your spiritual family, not blood relatives and you’ll find your way into a better life. If you don’t, you are going to lose your health from the stress. Not advisable! What makes other people “happy” isn’t remotely relative to your situation. If your spiritual community is close to your condo, I’d go back there asap. And when you do visit, your two girls and your grandkids will appreciate you more than they do now. It will be more “special” to see you. The Orthodox monks on Mt Athos actually place the gift of discernment above love, because you can love the wrong people – and ultimately end up mired in idolatry. Put your deep religious faith in God in first place and you’ll be fine. Best wishes, Carol

@kamuela

Your spiritual family is your “real” family – blood relatives, less so – particularly in the bigger picture. I was married to a narcissist for two years and never married again, it was so traumatic. Sadly I had to co-parent with him (more than 33 years now) our only child, so watching her jumping through hoops trying to get him to love her has been torture. Very very hard to parent emotionally healthy children with a narcissist and your daughters are doubtless going to have been impacted. Anyway after forty years, you’ve gone above and beyond for your adult children – they have their own lives now – and you need to focus on your spiritual family and recognize at 72, it is now or never. I think we have a responsibility to recognize our “higher” purpose in life – remember the first commandment – and if you have a meaningful spiritual life back in your condo, go for it. Teaching your children that you also have an important life (above and beyond them and their desire to be with their dad) and just return to the place you are happy and most God centered. Life is short. If you make God #1 in your life, you’ll never be sorry. Focus on your spiritual family, not blood relatives and you’ll find your way into a better life. If you don’t, you are going to lose your health from the stress. Not advisable! What makes other people “happy” isn’t remotely relative to your situation. If your spiritual community is close to your condo, I’d go back there asap. And when you do visit, your two girls and your grandkids will appreciate you more than they do now. It will be more “special” to see you. The Orthodox monks on Mt Athos actually place the gift of discernment above love, because you can love the wrong people – and ultimately end up mired in idolatry. Put your deep religious faith in God in first place and you’ll be fine. Best wishes, Carol

Jump to this post

Thank you Carol for the reminder …. I know you’re right. I don’t think my kids, even though they’re all believers, would think that way. I’m starting things going though with going up to my old hairdresser in Frederick ….. a place I’d gone for several years, became friends with the owner, felt cared about and taken care of, and truly liked. I talked to my daughter this morning and she “gets it” ….. I was very direct and told her that except for she and her sister and how much I enjoyed being with them, I’d have gone back to Frederick long ago. She understood (she said). Sort of paves the way for me if I do go back. I have a Dr. appt. every other Tues. up there and sometimes I stay overnight with a good friend ….. we’re up til all hours laughing and watching dumb movies …. I always come back here feeling so much better and “lighter.” I think the hair dresser may do the same thing. If it’s not enough ….. well, then I’ll have to seriously look at the other option.
abby

Hi Abby, this is Lacey, everyone is sending messages to me instead of you , so since I read them all, I really believe that it is time for you to decide to go back where you are happiest. I know your daughters understand and would agree with me, they want you to be happy and you won’t be until you return to your roots. You sound so happy to be back with your friends and I know you need your church family, you can take a trip back to see your daughters and stay a few days with them, I hope and pray you will make the right decision for you. God Bless, Lacey

Hi Lacey …. well, it may come to that. Right now I’m going to go with going to my old hairdresser, my therapist, and staying overnight at a girlfriend’s house. And, I am next in line down here to get a low-income apartment. Perhaps being in a more active area and building, hearing people come and go, and kids outside (rather like my condo), will help. I’ll be able to meet neighbors and hopefully that will help. Plus, Stuarts Draft is a lot nicer area than where I am now. I do not like the city I’m in at all! But, if none of this works ….. I will go back to Frederick ….. this is my last recourse.
abby

@amberpep

Hi Lacey …. well, it may come to that. Right now I’m going to go with going to my old hairdresser, my therapist, and staying overnight at a girlfriend’s house. And, I am next in line down here to get a low-income apartment. Perhaps being in a more active area and building, hearing people come and go, and kids outside (rather like my condo), will help. I’ll be able to meet neighbors and hopefully that will help. Plus, Stuarts Draft is a lot nicer area than where I am now. I do not like the city I’m in at all! But, if none of this works ….. I will go back to Frederick ….. this is my last recourse.
abby

Jump to this post

Hi Abby, that sounds like a plan, try a little of this and a little of that and leave the rest up to your maker, he will make it work. I wish you all the happiness in this world of problems , remember what I said, it’s your decision. Lacey

@amberpep

Hi Lacey …. well, it may come to that. Right now I’m going to go with going to my old hairdresser, my therapist, and staying overnight at a girlfriend’s house. And, I am next in line down here to get a low-income apartment. Perhaps being in a more active area and building, hearing people come and go, and kids outside (rather like my condo), will help. I’ll be able to meet neighbors and hopefully that will help. Plus, Stuarts Draft is a lot nicer area than where I am now. I do not like the city I’m in at all! But, if none of this works ….. I will go back to Frederick ….. this is my last recourse.
abby

Jump to this post

Thanks so much lacey ….. yes, I feel at peace with this decision. I’ll do the things I mentioned regarding connecting with close friends in Frederick, move into the low-income apartment when it’s available, and if none of that works ….. I will move back to Frederick. I told one of my daughters that last night and she totally heard and understood me. The other daughter is a bit more sealed off regarding her own emotions and others also, so I don’t know what she’ll say, but this is my life. I do like time alone, but I am basically a people person ….. I like to know there are those around whom I can count on, chat with over silly things, visit with when I walk my dog (which I don’t have one right now – that’s sad). My condo is listed on zillow, with pictures (no furniture), and I’ve bookmarked it. I like looking at it …. it’s so bright and cheery.
abby

@amberpep

Hi Lacey …. well, it may come to that. Right now I’m going to go with going to my old hairdresser, my therapist, and staying overnight at a girlfriend’s house. And, I am next in line down here to get a low-income apartment. Perhaps being in a more active area and building, hearing people come and go, and kids outside (rather like my condo), will help. I’ll be able to meet neighbors and hopefully that will help. Plus, Stuarts Draft is a lot nicer area than where I am now. I do not like the city I’m in at all! But, if none of this works ….. I will go back to Frederick ….. this is my last recourse.
abby

Jump to this post

@amberpep This does sound like a good, logical plan Abby! Keep us in the loop as to how it works for you. Teresa

Please login or register to post a reply.