~ Panic attack, flashbacks and nervousness ~
I have not been here for awhile again …. seems like so many friends have problems far worse than I do. But, I had to go into what happened the night before last. I’m not going into my story – some of you know it. I live in a low-income apartment complex, and have for about a year … obviously, there’s a lot to deal with and admittedly when I go out I always have my pepper spray with me. Anyhow, night before last I was awakened about 4 AM by the sound of some guy vomiting and retching right outside my bedroom … I’m considered the first floor even though my windows are raised about 15 ft. It sounded like there were a bunch of guys out there, and one of them was really going at it …. when I woke up I immediately thought it was my mother (she’s been dead for 25 years from cirrhosis and esophageal hemorrhaging) …. it sounded just like she did when she would throw up. I flew out of bed in a sleep stupor, for some reason ran to my closet door and opened it, and “thought” in the dark that I saw two big figures standing in there (it was clothing racks). I screamed and went, having a full blown panic attack to the living room, curled up on the sofa and prayed. Once the panic attack passed to some degree, I stayed there for the night, curled up in a ball. After that, the next two days I had flashbacks of my mother, those sounds, watching her vomit blood, and I couldn’t get away from it. I had no where to go to get away from it. I made a cup of tea, and stayed there trying to sleep to no avail. This morning is better, but I’m extremely nervous and can’t get her image out of my mind. There’s no one I can tell this to …. my friends and therapist and Psychiatrist are all in MD and I’m now in VA, so I’m totally alone.