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~ Panic attack, flashbacks and nervousness ~
I have not been here for awhile again .... seems like so many friends have problems far worse than I do. But, I had to go into what happened the night before last. I'm not going into my story - some of you know it. I live in a low-income apartment complex, and have for about a year ... obviously, there's a lot to deal with and admittedly when I go out I always have my pepper spray with me. Anyhow, night before last I was awakened about 4 AM by the sound of some guy vomiting and retching right outside my bedroom ... I'm considered the first floor even though my windows are raised about 15 ft. It sounded like there were a bunch of guys out there, and one of them was really going at it .... when I woke up I immediately thought it was my mother (she's been dead for 25 years from cirrhosis and esophageal hemorrhaging) .... it sounded just like she did when she would throw up. I flew out of bed in a sleep stupor, for some reason ran to my closet door and opened it, and "thought" in the dark that I saw two big figures standing in there (it was clothing racks). I screamed and went, having a full blown panic attack to the living room, curled up on the sofa and prayed. Once the panic attack passed to some degree, I stayed there for the night, curled up in a ball. After that, the next two days I had flashbacks of my mother, those sounds, watching her vomit blood, and I couldn't get away from it. I had no where to go to get away from it. I made a cup of tea, and stayed there trying to sleep to no avail. This morning is better, but I'm extremely nervous and can't get her image out of my mind. There's no one I can tell this to .... my friends and therapist and Psychiatrist are all in MD and I'm now in VA, so I'm totally alone.
abby
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Oh, @amberpep Abby, that is just awful. I'm so, so sorry that had to happen right by you and bring back horrendous memories.
What are your thoughts about what might help you get through the nervousness you are feeling now?
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1 ReactionTruthfully Lisa, I don't know. I won't see my therapist til mid-April. Truthfully, if this is how the rest of life is going to be, and has been most of my 73 years, then I'd rather be gone. None of my family would understand this at all if I told them. They wouldn't even want to hear it .... they'd cut me off mid-way through. I am very, very, alone.
abby
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2 Reactions@amberpep
I'm so sorry you had such a terrible experience. I woke up Tuesday night and my feet hurt more than they ever had, and I was in a panic attack that lasted for an hour. I don't have memories resurfacing during panic attacks. That had to be awful. I know that most people who haven't experienced experienced them can't understand. I'm thankful that my wife is supportive. She knows that when I have one, usually at night in bed, she helps me by putting a hand on me. It seems to ground me.
Have you had these often and talked with your therapist about coping with them? I'm sorry there's no one you can talk with right now. I hope that it helps to talk about it with us.
Now is the time to put to work anything you've learned about holding on. Can you think of things your therapist has talked about that would help you through this time?
I don't remember how your relationship with your mother was, but it must have been really hard to see her suffer.
Can you call a friend in VA just to connect with someone? They wouldn't have to know all the details of how you're feeling, but just hearing a friendly voice and just having a conversation can sometimes help.
Some people would find it helpful to visualize their mother or other loved one in a good place. I don't practice visualization, but people who do try to find memories or thoughts of a positive experience and focus on them. It helps a lot of people.
I do hope your day improves.
Jim
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2 ReactionsHi Jim .... thanks for your kind words. I have not had something like that for a few years, thanks to a lot of therapy and medications. My mother ..... well, I don't know quite how to say all this again, but I was an only child raised by a family of alcoholics. I was terrified of my mother ..... she always told me she was going to throw me out, and at 7 I believed her. Told me some day "young lady" you're going to come home from school and your suitcase will be on the porch. So, I hid ..... a lot, most of the time actually. She'd lock me in the closet, basement. She essentially killed herself with alcohol. When the liver and the lining of the soft vessels go, you vomit blood. It is so scary to see that, and then the ambulance comes and it's running out of her mouth. I don't want to think about it anymore.
abby
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