A depressed teen here. Gonna be long and boring but need help

Posted by led @led, Feb 14 1:52pm

Hello, thanks for stopping by.
Sorry for my English and grammar, I’m not from the US.
By the end, you may say “oh wow why I’m reading about this kid” I won’t blame you I don’t deserve your time honestly. And it’s really long 🙁
I’m 19. This is probably my first time to talk about myself in public as I’ve never asked for help or express my feelings on social media and tried to keep them separate.
I’ve been feeling very unwell lately. Not interesting reasons but it’s what it’s. Exams are like within 2 weeks and I haven’t prepared at all. “So you’re a careless teen who keeps complaining hah?”. I really tried but of course not enough. Every time I start studying I get immediately distracted, dizzy and depressed. I can’t stop thinking that I won’t make it and finish at least a few of the many topics that I’ve. Btw, I’m a 2nd-year medical student. My last year’s grades were almost ok. I got a C & a D and both combined were C. This was on the first term of my schools as the second was just a pass or fail and I passed. I used Mayo Clinic a lot during the past 1 and a half years and I just found this “Contact” tap or forum (don’t know what to call it). I hope I’m not miss-using it as I don’t know but I feel stupid and I shouldn’t be here.

I became very unorganized and careless since I joined and I’m always way behind my classmates and classes was the only way I had to gain a small amount of self-confidence as I’ve been feeling worthless and started to get these ideas about how I’m nothing and don’t deserve to be in this school or taking somebody’s place, and even thoughts about suiciding or donating my organs. My family is very supportive but by which I mean taking good care of me. I’m scared to talk to them about anything. They won’t believe it as I’m a lazy person who is fooling around with his phone 24/7. And looks like my brother and sister are studying really well.

Recently, I tried to talk to a girl who doesn’t really know me, or neither do I. But she blocked me after 4 months of talk. I guess she was disappointed with the way I act so worthless and emotional all the time and “scared of losing her”. She, my exams, my thoughts, and my whole future were floating in front of me every time I open a notebook, PDF, etc. I believe in God but my connection to God is probably none I don’t pray and kinda embarrassed to do so.

Is it too late to talk to anyone from my school, teachers, and doctors? and for some reason, I guess they won’t understand or I won’t follow their advice and keep going through this stupid circle. Also, I don’t live in an area where there’re psychologists to visit. And would be embarrassed to try that out while I’m at college a maybe because of my family traditions?
This is nothing to what I had 3 years ago which was tragic but I managed to stay strong and came on top of my school.
Unfortunately, This is not the case this time.
Thanks so much for reading this <3

@led First, welcome to Mayo Connect! Secondly, commend you for your bravery in realizing and seeking out help. Thirdly, your English is just fine (I work with students who learn English as a second language).
Although I am quite a bit older than you I wish I would have sought help sooner. I recall and can relate to some of what you write about at similar age. When depressed or stressed I found it difficult to focus on studies, but did seek professional help for proper help, diagnosis and therapy.
Are your studies in an area you're interested in OR directed to by parents or traditions?
A couple of things I noticed in your writings comparing yourself with siblings, but we are each individuals.
Be kinder and gentler on yourself as you're trying to navigate this adult phase of life.
I have found it interesting that we are basically children until 18, but upon high school graduation we're then considered adults. A dramatic change from one day to the next and with different expectations.
Don't want to overwhelm you, but say bravo for reaching out!

REPLY

@marjou
Hi, thanks for reaching out and your kind words. I didn't expect a quick reply
Honestly, I didn't think of a certain college to join after high school but it was my parents' dream. I really like studying medicine. But that's when it's not so stressful or time consuming to the point where I study about half a lecture a day. Where I'm supposed to finish 3 or more.
If I could go back in time, I won't join a med school, not because I don't want it, but because I don't deserve it.

I'd probably do a hoppy like making music but unfortunately due to how schoolwork is building up, it's not possible. As well as my country and probably lifestyle.
Also, here, like some other countries and regions, sometimes you don't have the right to choose and having a respectable job is the no.1 goal.

And about the comparing, my college is far from home so I don't live with my family. But I go back every 2 weeks.
And since we finished the 3rd semester I'm currently at home so I get to see how hard they, (bro.& sis.) work or at least get the job done. And I don't want to disappoint them, or my parents. Thanks again

REPLY

Hi led. Hi marjou… agree, so good you feel like reaching out for help/comments led and nice of you to answer marjou. Older now but looking back on my life I have had many ups and downs but didn't have to deal with computers, Covid, and depression. However, I did have some of what they used to call "low self esteem" … then at 18 left UK and my family to move to relatives I didn't know in Canada. Wherever I lived, wherever I worked, with whomever I lived I always took the back seat to them, thinking I did not measure up to their expectations (or was it my own expectations of myself?)..I wish at that time I had received some therapy but I had to get through it all by myself.
Just an old lady here but I would advise to seek some help with this from a professional, as well as the amazing people here who have gotten through or are going through a lot: there are now therapists and such "free" on line – I have a social worker/mental health worker contact me every week or two on Zoom or phone, and we are now going through "cognitive behaviour" as well as talking about other issues – its never too late or too early in life to get help. Perhaps if I had, at an earlier age, I would not have suffered so much for so long. You sound like a very bright, sensitive, person and may I wish you the very best…. now and in the future, and am sure you will hear from many members (I am relatively new here). take care.

REPLY
@lacy2

Hi led. Hi marjou… agree, so good you feel like reaching out for help/comments led and nice of you to answer marjou. Older now but looking back on my life I have had many ups and downs but didn't have to deal with computers, Covid, and depression. However, I did have some of what they used to call "low self esteem" … then at 18 left UK and my family to move to relatives I didn't know in Canada. Wherever I lived, wherever I worked, with whomever I lived I always took the back seat to them, thinking I did not measure up to their expectations (or was it my own expectations of myself?)..I wish at that time I had received some therapy but I had to get through it all by myself.
Just an old lady here but I would advise to seek some help with this from a professional, as well as the amazing people here who have gotten through or are going through a lot: there are now therapists and such "free" on line – I have a social worker/mental health worker contact me every week or two on Zoom or phone, and we are now going through "cognitive behaviour" as well as talking about other issues – its never too late or too early in life to get help. Perhaps if I had, at an earlier age, I would not have suffered so much for so long. You sound like a very bright, sensitive, person and may I wish you the very best…. now and in the future, and am sure you will hear from many members (I am relatively new here). take care.

Jump to this post

Hello, @lacy2
It's so nice of you to say this and talk about what you had gone through. I hope you're doing great. God bless you and keep you safe and well <3.
I'm so sorry for what imma bout to say but to be honest,
It's strange how I get to feel even more worthless when I read it hear someone's story and the struggles they had. Probably I didn't face that, didn't lose this, etc (could have been much worse). Mostly an easier life (spoiled??) than many people, especially in this country. I basically don't know what being down actually is. Not proud of that.

I look at being depressed or not doing good at school as just as being ungrateful to what God and family gave me. I simply have no reason to complain. All my fault, that how responsibilities work. I wish I could be good in anything other than self-punishment. You know, "I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start studying", then the day passes and passes.
Do I really need treatment or just fail the year to finally act right?
I wish I could listen to what people say, "control your emotions and show them to the right people, love yourself, we all have a bad side,… "

*Edit*;
And still, feel this, my post, should be on a subReddit or something as it's not a big deal, or is it? I also become more anxious every time I read "get help, treatment, diagnose" is it really that dangerous?! Am I going through some psychological problem?!!

REPLY

@led. I suffered through two episodes of major depression. Since you are a medical student, you probably understand better than I do that depression is a physical disease of the brain…and now research is showing a faulty gut. It has nothing to do with our being weak or lazy or not good enough. Two of the most difficult issues I had to deal with, other than feeling totally hopeless, were not being able to concentrate and being exhausted all the time with no energy. I was also surprised at how many aches and pains that I had that I attributed to being depressed. During one episode, I was in graduate school and had to drop out until I was better. I've found through traveling and working overseas that mental illness is treated much differently in different countries and cultures. Where do you live? I hope where you live it is treated like any other illness, there is no shame attached to it, and that you will find a competent doctor to help get your brain chemistry back on track. I also found being in a support group of other people who were depressed and going through the same things I was really helpful. I realize that is a cultural thing and might not be possible where you are. I'm glad you have a loving, supportive family and hope they have some understanding of what depression is. I hope they understand you are struggling through no fault of your own. Can you print some articles about depression for them to read? I think that might help them…and hopefully you. Another thing I'd recommend you try to do is change the way you are talking about/to yourself. You need to be your own best friend, and you wouldn't say things to a friend that you're saying to or about yourself. I hope you don't think that was being too critical or harsh, but I think it's really important. It's a long slog sometimes to dig your way out of depression, but you've taken the first important step…which I think is to realize you're depressed and reach out for help. Good luck in your journey! Nancy

REPLY

May I interject and just say I appreciated reading your wording: depression is a physical disease of the brain. I am older and have lots of time to try and figure out why I have depression and anxiety; and also why I have had cancer and other illnesses, yet I know people who have had neither. I almost feel "responsible" for having mental health issues – guilt. Since a small child I was timid, shy etc., whereas little friends were robust, happy souls. Lately I have been wondering, like Madonna? .. was I "born this way?" J.

REPLY
@lacy2

May I interject and just say I appreciated reading your wording: depression is a physical disease of the brain. I am older and have lots of time to try and figure out why I have depression and anxiety; and also why I have had cancer and other illnesses, yet I know people who have had neither. I almost feel "responsible" for having mental health issues – guilt. Since a small child I was timid, shy etc., whereas little friends were robust, happy souls. Lately I have been wondering, like Madonna? .. was I "born this way?" J.

Jump to this post

@lacy2. When I was doing a lot of reading to understand depression, I came across a book that I can't remember the name of but that I've thought about a lot over the years as I've dealt with many different medical issues and depression. The author's belief was that girls who were sexually abused as children or lived in other dysfunctional family situations where they were afraid and producing abnormal amounts of stress hormones were plagued with health issues, including anxiety and depression, throughout their lives. I assume this applies to young boys as well. I haven't felt like investigating this further, because it's literally too depressing, but it might give you some insight if it applies to you. Please don't feel you have to tell me…it's none of my business…but it is food for thought. I hope you are doing well now. Best wishes, Nancy

REPLY

Hi- Kim here, I too have anxiety, panick attacks, depression OCD and other issues. I used to get frustrated😡 at myself saying “Kim your Stronger then this, refused to take meds thought that I was weak taking them. Then my uncle that was one that I idolized also my God Father, he said that anxiety and panic attacks is a chemical imbalance in the brain, not my fault and only the strong accepts help. After he said that I saw a therapist for 10 yrs and have been on medication for a very long time. It’s not our fault for having anxiety or depression but we can do something to help us win over our brain. Don’t give up or talk down about yourself there is nothing to be ashamed of we didn’t ask for this or did anything to get this but we can help ourselves to be happy and be stronger then this. Don’t give up and Stay Strong💪🏻💪🏻

REPLY
@nla4625

@led. I suffered through two episodes of major depression. Since you are a medical student, you probably understand better than I do that depression is a physical disease of the brain…and now research is showing a faulty gut. It has nothing to do with our being weak or lazy or not good enough. Two of the most difficult issues I had to deal with, other than feeling totally hopeless, were not being able to concentrate and being exhausted all the time with no energy. I was also surprised at how many aches and pains that I had that I attributed to being depressed. During one episode, I was in graduate school and had to drop out until I was better. I've found through traveling and working overseas that mental illness is treated much differently in different countries and cultures. Where do you live? I hope where you live it is treated like any other illness, there is no shame attached to it, and that you will find a competent doctor to help get your brain chemistry back on track. I also found being in a support group of other people who were depressed and going through the same things I was really helpful. I realize that is a cultural thing and might not be possible where you are. I'm glad you have a loving, supportive family and hope they have some understanding of what depression is. I hope they understand you are struggling through no fault of your own. Can you print some articles about depression for them to read? I think that might help them…and hopefully you. Another thing I'd recommend you try to do is change the way you are talking about/to yourself. You need to be your own best friend, and you wouldn't say things to a friend that you're saying to or about yourself. I hope you don't think that was being too critical or harsh, but I think it's really important. It's a long slog sometimes to dig your way out of depression, but you've taken the first important step…which I think is to realize you're depressed and reach out for help. Good luck in your journey! Nancy

Jump to this post

@led. Here is a link to a discussion about depression on the Mayo Clinic website. I am careful about believing what I read on the internet, but I trust the Mayo Clinic website. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007

REPLY
@nla4625

@lacy2. When I was doing a lot of reading to understand depression, I came across a book that I can't remember the name of but that I've thought about a lot over the years as I've dealt with many different medical issues and depression. The author's belief was that girls who were sexually abused as children or lived in other dysfunctional family situations where they were afraid and producing abnormal amounts of stress hormones were plagued with health issues, including anxiety and depression, throughout their lives. I assume this applies to young boys as well. I haven't felt like investigating this further, because it's literally too depressing, but it might give you some insight if it applies to you. Please don't feel you have to tell me…it's none of my business…but it is food for thought. I hope you are doing well now. Best wishes, Nancy

Jump to this post

@nia4625 Hi … I have thought back to my childhood years and really cannot think of any abuse.
I was accidentally cut on the neck when about 4 or 5 when my brother and I both wanted a knife … to get walnuts out of their shells believe it or not. Mum was washing dishes in a corner of the room….. and whether or not she knew we had the knife I dont know and she has passed away now. Apparently I might have died, I do recall her running down the street carrying me with blood all over both of us and a neighbour taking me from my Mums arms as Mum was dropping me. No phone, no car of course in those days in old London, UK.
I recall being in a crib with a plaster cast around my neck and onto my right shoulder, in the middle of a ward of adult women in beds – of course this was just a few years after WW2. I do recall being a very timid child, clinging to my Mum's dress hem/hiding behind it, and crying when I lost her in a shop etc; sitting on her knee… but maybe after almost losing me she was over protective, although I certainly wasnt spoiled with toys etc as they had hardly any money.
So am not sure if something like this made me more vulnerable or if I was just a shy child. I sometimes think it affected my older brother more than me, as he tried to take the knife from me. (true story by the way) It was hardly spoken about after and I even forgot about the scar… but still have it of course. Odd, but writing about it now brings tears to my eyes. J.

REPLY
@led

Hello, @lacy2
It's so nice of you to say this and talk about what you had gone through. I hope you're doing great. God bless you and keep you safe and well <3.
I'm so sorry for what imma bout to say but to be honest,
It's strange how I get to feel even more worthless when I read it hear someone's story and the struggles they had. Probably I didn't face that, didn't lose this, etc (could have been much worse). Mostly an easier life (spoiled??) than many people, especially in this country. I basically don't know what being down actually is. Not proud of that.

I look at being depressed or not doing good at school as just as being ungrateful to what God and family gave me. I simply have no reason to complain. All my fault, that how responsibilities work. I wish I could be good in anything other than self-punishment. You know, "I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start studying", then the day passes and passes.
Do I really need treatment or just fail the year to finally act right?
I wish I could listen to what people say, "control your emotions and show them to the right people, love yourself, we all have a bad side,… "

*Edit*;
And still, feel this, my post, should be on a subReddit or something as it's not a big deal, or is it? I also become more anxious every time I read "get help, treatment, diagnose" is it really that dangerous?! Am I going through some psychological problem?!!

Jump to this post

@led I speak from my experience with depression which in my case does include a lot of negative self talk. Not talking or seeking professional help just makes the negative self talk go round and round in my head. I encourage you to continue your path in getting better. You writing here is an indication that you want/need to find help. I have found people here to be understanding and helpful. Seeking help is a positive step in your life.

REPLY

@lacy2. Thanks for being so open and sharing that. The incident with your brother, the knife and the walnuts must have been pretty frightening. I think something else that plays a part in how healthy a person is has to do with our genes. I was thinking the other day how many of my internal organs a doctor had actually touched or done something to. It's been quite a few, sigh. Anyway, I hope you had a nice Valentine's Day. Every special occasion that passes now I think next year I'll get to spend it with my relatives. I'm looking forward to that! Nancy

REPLY
Please sign in or register to post a reply.
  Request Appointment