Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

Wife has a memory problems it’s been going on 5 yrs since she has even given me a good hug instead of a nice hug she’ll sometimes slaps me, hits, steps on my feet and scratches, but we still take long bike rides sometimes 10 miles on our side by side bike, and car rides at least were still together

Yes, the recomendation “to see a Sex Counselor” is one answer and a good one. I happen to be the Husband and the deficient Partner in my marriage. I have a Pyreonies condition and intercourse is hurting my wife so we avoid it with my wife saying that it isn’t critical and that all the other elements of our marriage are intact and failure in the bedroom is just “a little thing”. That gets me off the hook but my Urologist keeps suggesting that I see with my wife, a sex counselor or that I go the route of “Surgery”. If I believed that surgery would leave some libido for me….I might consider surgery. The question remaining is which “way” should I go? Thanks for all that has been said because the various experiences and suggestions have been helpful. Glenn

Here's a question. If my spouse is physically unable to have intercourse, but other avenues are possible, is it selfish to feel slighted that the other doesn't want to please them? For example, if my parts were out of order for the moment, and i knew my partner was sexually unsatisfied, I would do my best to make sure they were somewhat happy. Either by discussing it or giving them some sort of sexual release. Not to mention, it's about making them feel good not out of selfish reasons. Lack of physical intimacy is the number one reason people divorce. It leads to low self esteem, low self worth and uncertainty in the relationship. In my experience anyway. I'd love to hear an objective opinions though

Have not seen a comment that suggests finding someone in a similar situation. I have seen Dear Abby articles, where a spouse may allow the other to have a boyfriend or girlfriend who may also be in a sexless marriage. There can be intimate encounters as long as everyone is on the same page. When you are in your early 60's and spouse has lost interest due to medical issues, others should not judge you. How can anyone expect someone to go the rest of their life with no intimacy and sex? Does not mean there has to be a relationship or love involved. Sex is natural, entertaining, fun, feels good, stress reliever and good for a person's health. A caregiver is put in a bad spot. You want to be there to assist your ill spouse, but also need to take care of your own well-being. A very difficult decision. Many years ago, we discussed the possibility of losing interest in sex and both said it would not be a deal breaker if the other found a playmate. If you have a heart, divorce is not an option when assisting someone you love. Sure, many who wrote comments have thought the same but not comfortable putting it in writing.

I am in a similar situation and I've found that depending on you wiliness to perform non straight intercourse methods sems to determine what things are considered acceptable. I as a male who find just about every part of the womans body enjoyable. But ive found a lot of woman find performing certain actions on their male partners not desirable. So it seems to be about what your experience level is. Being I have had a few serious relationships in my youth I can see major differences in what women find enjoyable when it comes to sex. Even where you were raised seems to affect it also. Now as for me I'm a very devout Christian now and I would not consider any kind of fun with an extra partner besides my wife. But also I'm not naive to think only intercourse as the only option, as some in religious upbringing feel, that are acceptable. I also could see that you are willing to accept anything to help relief the loss of intercourse. If you want more detail of Ideas, I can think of you can Private message me and I could elaborate further. I'm assuming you're a male and probably oral forms of sex are a stumbling block. So feel free to ask if you want some ideas I've thought of.

Unfortunately I can speak to this from experience. My wife is a two time breast cancer survivor. She had a double mastectomy at age 32 and her second bout was at age 41. After the first time, she was simply afraid of getting pregnant and that is totally understandable as her type of cancer was estrogen fed. It took eight years for her to begin to consider trying to be physically intimate again. However, when the second bout took place she began to essentially grieve and push everyone away so that “no one would be burdened by her”. This is still true today and the brunt of it lands on pushing me away.

However, I still love her very much and am very much still attracted to her. We have each gotten into counseling individually, but she is not willing to go to couples therapy for fear that “she will be made out to be the bad guy”. This is grief talking. I will absolutely admit that after 13 years without inter coarse I am very sexually frustrated. But I have to look at the big picture.

Is my love for my wife defined by our sex life? No, it is defined by gaining a more intimate knowledge of her. Finding out what she needs me to be. Perhaps one day we can begin to try the physical act of love again, but right now the most intimate thing that I can do is remind her that she is not alone, she is not going to push me out of her life, and we are going to do everything that we can to remind each other of our love.

It’s not ideal, it’s messy, human nature absolutely comes through at times, but it is the life we have been given.

This is not necessarily advice, it is just one man trying to verbalize the pain that he has dealt with for many years now. I do hope that it encourages couples who may be in the same boat to keep finding what the other needs today and remaining faithful to the one you love. Illness is not their fault anymore than it is yours. Thanks for letting me get that off of my chest.

Sometimes, the very act of verbalizing (or writing down and sharing) can be therapeutic. You've made good progress by describing your situation here. Have you discussed with your therapist your wife's unwillingness to go to couples therapy?

Thanks for the encouragement Phil! Yes, I have discussed it with my therapist and (according to my wife) she has even discussed it with hers. At this point it is a stalemate that only she can make the final decision to go or not. She is very aware that I am willing and ready to do this with her.

In a marriage, we're one is I'll, can be very difficult for both. Now the one who is I'll, is getting way better, less stress, happier, her illness is being well maintained, and almost at the point of remission. So over the last 15-17 year run it has been hard ," litterly " to deal with this issue, but here we are, doing better than before.
Except, now I have diabetes, and cholesterol problems and she's the one who standing on the sidelines waving at me saying, Yoohoo, it's over here....and I can Not rise to the occasion. It has only recently become as n issue, but like it says
For Richer or Poorer, Sickness and in Health, we will ride the Storm, and my wife has assured me that, after this long, it'll be a learning experience for the both of us.
Thank you for listening.
😎👍

@over50guy
Have you investigated erection medications?
Jake