Elderly parent living with me

It’s difficult for me to understand someone who eats foods that will aggravate their medical conditions and cause them suffering. I care for both my parents in their home, while running my own business. It’s crazy. I have my own home, that I try to get to on weekends. That is becoming a rarity.

My mom knows that certain foods flare her acid reflux. (She’s had a bleeding ulcer.). And, certain foods flare her gout. But, still…..she is obsessed with foods that hurt her. I no longer comment on it, because it does no good. I eat a tight, clean diet and try to manage my type I diabetes. My dad refuses to eat vegetables. So….I accompany them both to their doctor appointments. Their labs are mostly good. Since they are in their 80s….I try to not let their poor choices bother me. Still, I get annoyed when my mom complains of stomach issues or painful gout swelling, AFTER doubling down of restricted food. Ugh…..

Oh, I’ve noticed that my extended family members do it too! What is about refraining from trigger foods do they not understand? If I was under doctor’s care with multiple tests, meds, pain, etc. why would I go out and consume heavy, fatty, spicy dishes, carbonated beverages, etc. And, then complain of the agony?

My situation is not sustainable. I’m trying to make other arrangements for their care. It has taken a huge toll on my health! I’m overly saturated at this point. I don’t think people realize the toll it takes to be a caregiver for an ailing parent. Especially, when they are feisty and able to boss a lot. Lol

I know how hard that is. I think I just reached the understanding with my mother that at 87 she feels it's all she has left that she can do that enjoys , her appetite it poor but for sugary foods. Fortunately she doesn't have diabetes, and has stopped all carbonated drinks, but feels that at 87 she should be able to enjoy something in her life! I'm just not willing anymore to fight too much against that. She has a point. And her tests are stable ... sooo?! It is what it is.

I agree. I pretty much don’t concern myself with my Dad’s diet, because he has no digestive issues and the foods don’t bother him, but my Mom constantly complains of one health issue after another. It’s nonstop about how sick she is….then, in 5 minutes, she eats the trigger foods. So frustrating. I just can’t muster much sympathy for that.

Sounds like a bit of codependency going on here as you allow her to butt into your life all the time.

Why is she living with you in the first place?

There are options available, like section 8 apartments, Independent Living and Assisted Living.

My mother is 98 in AL loves it, she has friends, activities, doesn't have to cook or clean and 24/7 there is someone there. Have you considered this?

Your mother could live another 10 years, do you really want to give up another 10 years of your life for her?

Time to come up with a plan to take your life back, stop living vicariously through her lenses.

There is a great site called Aging Care.com lots of people dealing with the same issues as you are.

Housing options, depending upon where you live, are not always easily available. I'm glad your mother in Alabama has access to something she enjoys and can afford.

A lot of Assisted Living facilities are great, but the costs can be a factor. They are less expensive than nursing home care, however the costs can add up when services are charged ala carte.

I have a similar situation with my 80 year old mother who has always been my best friend. She always relies on me for every decision and that was fine up until my husband and I moved from AZ to NC and took her with us. She now has a basement apartment in our home.
I have fibromyalgia and need alone time but she is so needy since the move, I feel bad saying this.
We will be traveling in April and Mum is giving me a guilt trip about leaving her. I am feeling like I made the wrong decision to have her here with us?

Transitioning out of caregiver role is tricky. I’m trying, but…..it can be complicated. I don’t feel guilt. Just trying to find proper caregivers they can afford.

@vickie30, that sounds like a tough spot to be in.

Are you able to set some boundaries with your mom? Like a window of time that you can only be disturbed in emergencies? Perhaps that could be aligned with a time that she likes to nap or read or watch a favorite TV program?

The demands of fibromyalgia are unpredictable, but it might be a start to carve out an hour a day that you're off limits whether you're having a flare or not.

Great idea. I’ve been trying but always afraid of hurting her feelings.