Elderly parent living with me

The homecare company should be able to order her ostomy supplies. If you have hired an individual, you can talk to them and see if they will let that person order for you. Good luck. I know the supplies cost a small fortune.
There is still a copay if Medicare covers the supplies.
Between Medicare and our Medicare supplement, the copays are not too high.

I feel so sorry for you. My 98 year old mother died last summer. For years she had taken her unhappiness about her life out on me. Treated me like a servant. My brother and I had to pay a fortune to help her get into assisted living because she was falling all the time. I moved fromNJ to Florida, in part, to scape her demands. It finally drove me so nuts because she would call to make me feel guilty and make demands and complain about every aspect of the nice place we got her into. I wrote her a 3- page letter telling her how she made me feel. Things were a bit better after that. I certainly felt better getting it all off my chest. I wish you the best. Your situation is so had.

I have two elders, neither live with me. One is 98 and in AL, the other is 85 and in MC.

To be totally honest I am not in for the count when it comes to having LO's living with me. I am not clinically trained and am 76 myself, I have no desire to dedicate what remaining time I have caring for them 24/7.

One is my mother, she is 98, in AL, there is no way that we could live together, she is happy in AL made new friends and enjoys the activities. The other one is my step-mother, she is 85 and no longer knows where she is, her physical health is good, her mind, not so much!

They are both in the same facility, near my home, different areas so checking on them is very easy.

Your mother could live a long time, as my mother has. Are you willing to dedicate your entire life to her for the next years? That is a personal choice, I wish you the very best in your journey! Don't forget to take care of you, it is written that some 50% of caregivers who care for their LO's in their home die before the LO themselves. Fact or fiction IDNK.

My Mom got admitted to the hospital the day before Thanksgiving and didn't get out of the hospital until Saturday night. She has diverticulitis near her stoma and it is from her not eating the correct diet. I can't get her to eat what she is supposed to. I order and get the groceries but as it is she tells all the doctors and nurses etc. that she doesn't have anything she can eat. I have so much food in this house I have no more room to store it. The problem is she only wants to eat what she isn't supposed to. I bought what she wanted and she ended up in the hospital. I get tired of arguing with her about it. She says if she follows the diet for her diverticulitis and the colostomy diet there is nothing left to eat. That is not true but it would cut out the only food she will eat. It is difficult to not resent the fact that she has made choices that created the issue with the diverticulitis to begin with and what caused her to end up with a ruptured bowel and the colostomy in 2020. My Mom is also jealous of anything I do and if I go anywhere for any amount of time she gets "sick". I think it is from a fear that the one taking care of them might go away? It is kind of child like as they get older. I went one morning before she woke up to do a grocery pick up only gone about 30 mins. She woke up while I was gone and called and text me franticly saying she didn't feel right. Once I got back home she was fine. I feel like she had a panic attack. She refuses to take anything for depression or anxiety. IDK? I don't know what the answers are. I feel like I am always trying to find the answers with no luck. It sounds like we all have similar situations and experiences on this journey. It is difficult and it is nice to have a place to vent/get support from others.

As I flew to surprise my daughter for her 30th, my mom texted me about something silly/stupid/didn’t make sense and of course I groaned. Everyone’s comments above made me smile and feel sad at the same time. Smile because as daughters we seem to be in the same boat as expected caregivers. As a mom, what will I do to my kids? And definitely feel sad because it is a thankless job that sucks the life out of us. I don’t want to be the “burden” to my children that so many have described above. Writing a letter seems like a wonderful idea because the emotions, hearing only what one wants to hear, etc is taken away. But I think there is a bigger issue and that is mental competence. As people age, the capacity to understand, to problem solve, to recognize differences, to understand their role is all lost. Especially if one is sick. It is like dealing with a child again. But the clock is turning back, not forward, so your constant reminding, scolding, nudging, will not build upon itself. We had help in various forms when raising our children and well help is needed here. Resentment, burnout, one’s own health…the list could go on. The first step toward a better situation is taken here by recognizing a problem. The second step is venting on this great forum. The 3rd step is to take some of the recommended steps. Some might have already been tried and not worked. Try others. If you have written that letter, try getting your ‘sick’ one involved by asking them for suggestions. Good luck, and I am going to call my mom!

My mother is living with us right now at 87 yrs old. She has severe anxiety... and strong opinions. We also cared for my husband's parents until they passed. So I can relate . It's common in aging individuals
I have discovered with my mother that I react , as a full grown independent accomplished woman... like with my previous small child emotions . Example, I was shopping with her, briefly, and looked for some reas on at a pair of white jeans on sale... her response " dont buy those they'll never stay clean!"
Innocuous statement but as I am paying for them... yes... Paying for them... I found myself saying in my head "you are just buying these because she said not to. Yep , I am. Cant believe it, but I am" . Only wore them twice. Might have bought them because earlier she told me my jacket needed to be zippered up as much blouse was to low. Trust me, it wasn't, lol.
It was a defining , yet hilarious moment as I stood at that checkout. So now I do two things
1) realize that her comments do affect me like no on elses can, because she is my mother . Then I take deep breath and let them roll off my back...just like the sighs, rolled eyes etc
2) realize that she is going to be anxious about something and I can't change it. So I just do what I need and allow her to process her anxiety in as safe of an environment as possible. I always greet her each morning, tell her the plan of the day, listen to her concerns without comments, encourage her with positive and then roll on.
For example, yesterday she has a 1:30 pm appt that is a 20 min drive away . They encourage a checking 20 min in advance of the appt . Target 1:10pm - leave at 12:30 to 12:45... right? She wants to leave at 11:30 , a full 2 hrs in advance of her appt. I remind its only 20 mins , 30 if we have a train ... she dropped the time to 11:45. I just listen and get ready, but tinker around until I want to leave. She'll look at her watch , sigh, stand even at the door with her cane etc, but I just go about what I'm doing talking to her etc. She has never been late ...ever never. But her anxiety becomes unreasonable and I have to choose not to allow it to make decisions for me. And not argue with her or try to convince her different. Its how she feels. We left at noon , way too early, but thats okay. Arguing just increases the friction.
Hard to do but it preserves our sanity for both of us.
Can't change a mind in the swamp of anxiety. Just have to not try to fix it. Safe loving environment is best I can do

Leaving 2 hours early for an appt that only take 1/2 hour to get there. My suggestion is stop and get gas almost a full tank so next appt you might need gas again. I have done this yes I can get to appt sooner by taking freeway but I take back roads going thru little towns because I might see something of interest. And sorry for this negative thought but I have had a flat tire and had we not left so early we would of missed the appt. Good luck Dave

Not an unusual scenario, unfortunately many caregivers do not do their homework before taking on this responsibility.

My mother is 98 and in Assisted Living, she loves it, is with people her own age, enjoys the activities, goes on bus trips doesn't have to cook, do laundry or clean. Before she went into AL she was depressed and angry at the world.

Have you considered AL for your mother?

Don't forget to take care of you, if you don't, you will burn out, it happens all the time to in home caregivers.

@lbrockme and others who are suffering from various difficulties of "caregiving." Human nature does not change that much. Many of these difficult people have been that way their entire lives, but it went by somewhat unnoticed. Old age narrows lives down, and the same person who functioned OK with his difficult personality managed to get by with it. When old age causes him to shrink, that is, live with increasing physical and mental limitations, he is left with his difficult personality, and that's all. Perhaps the best route for the caregiver is to ignore the worst of it and try to encourage only whatever good sides exist. Also, assuming the person is not mentallhy demented, some demands of him should be made. After all, he is not an infant in a crib. But that doesn't mean it is easy.

Omg, we have a lot in common with our moms and situation! It’s bizarre! Man, I feel for you. It ‘s brutal.