Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

Having been married for 38 years, I have some thoughts...initially, we had a tremendous sexual relationship. We had our daughter after 11 years of marriage (following the loss of twin boys the year earlier at 5 months). Turns out, my wife had Muscular Dystrophy which was diagnosed during her pregnancy with our daughter. That was 26 years ago. Her MD has caused her to steadily lose abilities and significantly reduced her quality of life. She requires a walker in the house, help to get off the couch, toilet, ect and weakens very quickly. I can't touch her due to her instability while walking (so no hand holding or arms around each other, ect. ) Over the years, I have become more and more of a care-giver and less and less of a partner. In fact, I feel more like her room mate than her husband. Sex ceased several years ago. She did a lot of research and we both decided hormone replacement therapy would improve the quality of our lives and maybe re-ignite our sex lives(she is 61 and I am 66). Unfortunately, although her quality of life has significantly improved, a breast cancer bout 7 years ago prevented her from receiving estrogen so she gets some testosterone and progesterone. I get a large dose of testosterone. I feel great, lift weights at the gym 3 days each week and weigh 6 pounds heavier than I did in high school. Never smoked and in overall great health. However, with all the testosterone swirling around inside of me, I feel like I did in high school and my desire for my wife is almost uncontrollable. She has no such attraction for me and suffers from low desire, dryness, atrophy and overall weakness(estrogen is the woman's testosterone for desire and she has none). Obviously, I can't initiate anything with her so I am "on my own" which is not satisfying . When I tell her I will cease the pelleting at my next scheduled appointment(every 6 months) because it makes me too amorous for her, she becomes angry with me and tells me maintaining pelleting to maintain my health is more important than struggling with unfulfilled desire. I find myself scanning women at the gym (I would never cheat but I feel 16 again) and struggle to keep my resentment at bay.

I can defiantly relate. I also feel guilty when I think about how nice it would be to get basic affection again. I just keep praying for relief from the desires. As a man of faith any thought of another woman or cheating is out of the question. So I just keep trying to be a good friend and maybe someday She will gain desire again. Hang in there is all I can say, I know for me if i ever gave into another woman the guilt would be worse than the moment of pleasure.

The 1st 7 years of my present marriage were in the physical sense great for both of us. Since then she fell ill then I did now we both are struggling with chronic conditions. I need a kidney transplant and her a number of
medical issues. the ironic thing is I retired to take care of her full-time before falling ill myself. the need is still there however the ability is absent on her part. it is what it is. anything else is a significant complication. it is what it is...

An unfortunate situation and my heart goes out for you and your wife. I was too in that same situation in the 1980’s. My wife had a workers compensation injury to her back working as a home health visiting nurse and then went onto develop a disabling cardiac illness 2 years after our marriage. Then 4 years later I fell at home during a small earthquake in southern Ca and fractured my spine and disabled me too. Yes I can honestly say I felt your pain. It is a difficult road to travel on and I salute you for retiring to care for your wife. I’m sure the connection you both have for and to each other is a powerful bond and glues you together.

What about privately masturbating?

I do and its not quite the same but gives some relief. I have a rule though I never use pornography and just use my memory of the early days when we did have a normal sex life. But also, what I mentioned about intimacy was more that hugging, kissing that kind of intimacy is also lacking. Thats what i miss more.

Hi I noticed it was 2019 your comment but I can’t find anyone like my situation 😕 my wife has chronic pain for 14 years 😓 I really struggle having no physical intimacy, it is taking a toll on my mental health we been together 40 years, I hate sexuality and don’t want it in my body but it never seems to go away

@stevesynth, I hear YOUR pain. Are you and your wife still able to enjoy time together and non-physical intimacy?

Just be glad you are alive and not alone. Be glad also that you are not the ill one. So many other things to enjoy in life - the countryside, snow, church, etc.

I'm happy there are so many thoughts on this subject since this is such a common issue. There are as many remedies to this situation as opinions; you must search your soul and faith to find an acceptable solution. It is not for others to judge your actions. I wish I had a better answer to your inquiry, but I don't. It certainly would help if you and your spouse could find an agreeable resolution to this most difficult dilemma we face in later life. Yes, there are still many things to be grateful for, but intimacy is an important part of married life. To lose this powerful bond is most unfortunate. You are fortunate to have some wonderful memories though, and that's more than some people have. I wish you the best. Dmatdude