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Help - Dealing with Hubby who needs hip implant and refuses.....
He has been to a very well qualified and respected surgeon who gave him shots until they were no longer providing relief and then told hm surgery is what he needed. He refused. He can barely walk and when he does is all bent up and moans and groans continuously. As he says, he is just waiting to die. He is only 83 and in pretty good health except for the hip.
His daughter (who lives 5 miles away) hooked him up with a traveling pain management doc - one that goes from hospital to hospital within a system. He has dozens of patients on the day, they are all gotten ready by the nurse and the doc pops in gives the shot and leaves. His first visit he was given a prescription for a cream that "the doctor says was better than the medications available and he had made up by a pharmacy" It was pricey $95.00 and insurance doesn't cover it.
A couple of shots later, he was directed to a physician's assistant w. the doc that gave him a sales pitch on medical marijuana to help him. Pretty hard core pitch too. I said NO. Medical marijuana has its place but this just didn't seem right.
I have been expressing my concerns about this doc, but Hubby says his daughter swears by him. Let me just say that his daughter seems to find docs that go from hospital to hospital. She doesn't have a primary care doc because they won't do what she wants.....you get the pic. Whatever new condition comes down the pike she has it.
I did talk to my primary doc and told him what was going on and he expressed concern saying that it made one wonder just who was really getting helped. Told Hubby but he still insists.
Anyway he is gotten miserable to live with. He has a walker and a rollator and refuses to use either. Also has those grapit deals but theya re always in the wrong place when he needs one. So I get to pick up after him.
I have problems wtih my knees and have problems walking, bending down etc. I really haven't been out of house all summer as Hubby wants me around all the time. We have seen his daughter only once since May - for 15 min. (she was busy). She stopped by to talk to just him, and when I walked in the room she shut up, but I heard her asking about his will, which is disturbing.
I called her up last week and asked if she would sit with her Dad so I could go to a movie, she could choose the day. Nope,, she is too busy. But she told me to throw him into a respite center for the day!!!
Sorry to be long, but I find myself crying at times. I could use any help and suggestions on getting support. I want to get help with housework as it is hard for me to vacuum due to balance and I have difficulty kneeling down but he gets upset and claims we can't afford it (we could once or twice a month). Thus the house, well, the kitchen could use a good cleaning and the carpets need to be cleaned. This always results in a very unpleasant nasty argument with him.
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Regarding getting someone to help with the housework: It seems his daughter discouraged him telling him that because we are old anyone we world get would only come to steal from us.
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2 Reactions@kartwk This sounds like a very distressing and difficult situation for you. And you have no family who can help? Is your husband confused or clear most of the time? Someone other than you, could explain what NOT having the surgery means continued and increasing pain. Having the surgery means having surgical pain for about a week and lots of physical therapy. But he will be able to walk without pain. (I was a nurse on an orthopedic unit for about 1 year). But, your bigger question is whether he will be able to tolerate the surgery.
I’m also very concerned about the traveling pain doctor. Maybe your doctor could do some research on the doctor and the medications he uses.
Do you think that any of this would help?
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3 ReactionsNo other family members around, unfortunately
As I said, he likes the surgeon and went to him for a long while. He knows that the surgery will alleviate the pain. As I type this he is walking down the hallway grunting and moaning in pain....I want to just scream as it is very upsetting to hear all the time. The pain is also making him nasty because he hurts. If I try to talk about a solution, such as using a wheel chair in the open areas of the house. he can blow up about it, so I don't bother any more. I don't know if it is a matter that he is scared of surgery or pride.
Primary doc has told him same thing and has assured him he is in good hands with the surgeon.
Seems like he walks less and less.
His daughter seems to find these traveling docs. They work generally with in a hospital system, like Norton etc. He is due for another shot with this guy eventhough they don't seem to be helping.
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2 ReactionsAlso, he never did use that special cream he bought.....said he didn't need it. Trust me he needed something as the shot doesn't work. He won't take tylenol or use any typical treatment. Seems he just wants to live his days suffering and grunting and moaning all the time. I don't know what to do. It is not right for me. That may sound selfish but he does have options to stop it and have a life again.
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6 Reactionskartwk- Your situation sounds extremely frustrating with no solution at hand. My husband was a very stubborn man also. One time, he had bronchitis with a fever heading toward 105. I had refused to take any medication. I called a nurse friend who said to get him under a cool shower and threatened him to call an ambulance to get him to a hospital to treat him and not return him until he was well. lol I got as far as getting Tylenol down his throat and got the fever down.
In all seriousness, at times like this, his stubbornness has to be matched. Have you called his PCP and discussed his anger issues and refusal to cooperate with expert suggestions? He might need an anti-depressant.
If his PCP isn't aware of his stubbornness and hasn't been tested for Alzheimer's disease (Doctors usually begin testing for Alzheimer's at 65 years of age if there are no signs before this).
Also, Becky asked a fundamental question. Does your husband seem clear-minded? Is he confused? Has he been tested for Alzheimer's disease? Are you able to put him in a nursing home?
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6 ReactionsI don't know what to say, other than my husband had both hips replaced at 70 and is loving the ability to walk without pain. Since your husband wants to be in pain, just turn up the TV/radio and listen to the mentors. They gave you excellent advice. I feel sorry for you and wish you all the best.
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4 ReactionsHe is fairly clear headed...sometmes I have to repeat or re-exlains something to him. He blams it on hard of hearing.
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2 ReactionsIt seems he is in denial of his condition and also scared that an operation would turn out badly. He needs counseling to deal with his fears and cope with the reality of his condition. If he won't go, then you go and let him know that you need counseling to deal with his behaviors.
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7 ReactionsPerhaps you can get the dr to write to him saying his advice is surgery and he can do nothing more for him. If he doesn’t have surgery, the dr won’t see him anymore. My friend had a situation with his wife that was similar and that is what the dr did. It woke her up big time.
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2 ReactionsThanks for all the support. Here is an update:
Still refuses to see someone on his hip, but I got him away from that doc. his daughter got him too. She is not happy but too bad.
Now he claims it is not his hip but his knees. He is going to make an appointment with his hip surgeon on that. Oh well, at least it may be a start though he has been saying that for almost a week now and never moves.
I think the above only happened because we had a major blow out when I tried to talk to him about his pain, and the ever ongoing moaning and groaning which he claims he doesn't do. Honestly, I could fit him up with a long heavy chain and get him a gig as Jacob Marley in a Christmas Carol.
His answer on all these things is that he is getting old, waiting to die. My response is that may be so, but he doesn't have to suffer so much. And if he is just waiting to die, as he says, that why not have the operation.....what has he got to lose.
I went out for the afternoon last Thursday, he didn't want to be lelft alone but as was suggested, I told him to give his daughter a call and ask her to stop by (like that would happen). Came back to a kitchen full of dirty dishes and pots and pans for me to clean up. Oh, daughter never came by....too busy.
Keep the support and suggestions coming. I need them.
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