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Help - Dealing with Hubby who needs hip implant and refuses.....
He has been to a very well qualified and respected surgeon who gave him shots until they were no longer providing relief and then told hm surgery is what he needed. He refused. He can barely walk and when he does is all bent up and moans and groans continuously. As he says, he is just waiting to die. He is only 83 and in pretty good health except for the hip.
His daughter (who lives 5 miles away) hooked him up with a traveling pain management doc - one that goes from hospital to hospital within a system. He has dozens of patients on the day, they are all gotten ready by the nurse and the doc pops in gives the shot and leaves. His first visit he was given a prescription for a cream that "the doctor says was better than the medications available and he had made up by a pharmacy" It was pricey $95.00 and insurance doesn't cover it.
A couple of shots later, he was directed to a physician's assistant w. the doc that gave him a sales pitch on medical marijuana to help him. Pretty hard core pitch too. I said NO. Medical marijuana has its place but this just didn't seem right.
I have been expressing my concerns about this doc, but Hubby says his daughter swears by him. Let me just say that his daughter seems to find docs that go from hospital to hospital. She doesn't have a primary care doc because they won't do what she wants.....you get the pic. Whatever new condition comes down the pike she has it.
I did talk to my primary doc and told him what was going on and he expressed concern saying that it made one wonder just who was really getting helped. Told Hubby but he still insists.
Anyway he is gotten miserable to live with. He has a walker and a rollator and refuses to use either. Also has those grapit deals but theya re always in the wrong place when he needs one. So I get to pick up after him.
I have problems wtih my knees and have problems walking, bending down etc. I really haven't been out of house all summer as Hubby wants me around all the time. We have seen his daughter only once since May - for 15 min. (she was busy). She stopped by to talk to just him, and when I walked in the room she shut up, but I heard her asking about his will, which is disturbing.
I called her up last week and asked if she would sit with her Dad so I could go to a movie, she could choose the day. Nope,, she is too busy. But she told me to throw him into a respite center for the day!!!
Sorry to be long, but I find myself crying at times. I could use any help and suggestions on getting support. I want to get help with housework as it is hard for me to vacuum due to balance and I have difficulty kneeling down but he gets upset and claims we can't afford it (we could once or twice a month). Thus the house, well, the kitchen could use a good cleaning and the carpets need to be cleaned. This always results in a very unpleasant nasty argument with him.
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You don't even want to mention the word counseling to him. He goes bonkers.
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1 ReactionWould you go then? You need to express your feelings to a therapist and discuss your concerns about the daughter and hubby's behaviors.
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1 ReactionSure - but I am the one who does everything now. A therapist could listen but really couldn't do anything to help me except validate me.
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1 ReactionI have already been down that road. I know what she is and how she operates. The problem is that Hubby doesn't see it...she is HIS baby.
She is a woman that goes to a funeral and starts talking to the bereaved about everything that is going on with HER. I have witnessed this first hand and was floored. But that is not my concern here. My concern is Hubby.
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2 ReactionsYou should consider seeking counseling so you can keep your sanity as your spouse trods towards his ending. You need not suffer too emotionally either. A therapist can help you obtain tools to help to deal and address his needs without loosing your needs.
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6 ReactionsIf you can go to Agingcare.com. That is another site that will be of great support to you.
My first question would be do you have his DPOA? If not, I would push for it as it sounds like the daughter is trying to cut you out of the equation. Also, does he have a will? If so, are you the PR of his estate?
Time to get all the legal paperwork in order.
If he cannot be alone at all, that is a real issue, you will not be able to be his 24/7 caretaker for long, it will take you to your knees. See what is available for respite for you, can you hire a caregiver when you go out? Have you checked into what Medicare will provide?
Sending support your way!
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4 ReactionsGod point about the DPOA. He was just talking the other day about leaving specific items in our house (some I bought b4 I met hm) to his daughter.....like a very pricey art piece. Heck, it is mine not his. I know she wants it because she has talked about getting it several times.
Pardon me for saying this, but when we first moved to this home, she plopped in a chair and started crying because she "was afraid she wasn't going to get anything" after we died!! That sure perked up my ears.
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5 ReactionsThere are red flags waving in front of your face, pay attention, this can get real messy.
My father always said, "Be like a fighter in a ring, fight fair, but, protect yourself at all times"! Wise words!
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3 ReactionsThis is a second marriage for me abiet over 27 years together. I have never comingled any money of mine with his. My Mama taught me better than that. That was one other question his daughter once asked me.....had I comingled my funds (I have more than he does). My response to her was that was none of her business, period. You are right, she's been planning for a long time. To protect myself and him, I am going to find a good elder law attorney. Believe me, I have no qualms about mentioning the incidents with the daughter, for my own protection.
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5 ReactionsYes, you are on the right track!
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