Do pictures of your loved ones hurt or help?

Posted by thisismarilynb @thisismarilynb, Apr 29, 2023

Shortly after my husband died, I had to have a full hip replacement. I was fortunate to find a wonderful caregiver and she was with me for two months until I was fit enough to care for myself, shower myself, dress myself and even drive. We have kept up our friendship. Last week she came over to help me with a task that I felt I was unable to do for myself. She also brought me a picture of my husband and me while he was still in our home, in a hospital bed. He was smiling and looked so good. I have been crying ever since. Her motive was good. She thought I would be pleased to have it and in a way I am. But the pain of seeing the last picture of him is almost unbearable. I feel worse that I did when I had to leave his remains in the cemetery. How do other people handle this?

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I think pictures help
Or if you are having a hard time with them being out now, put them up for a little while. They do help to bring back happy memories!
Good Luck and God 🙌 bless,
Pat

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thisismarilynb
I hope the picture you put out will soon bring you more happiness than sadness. The flowers are a great idea. I'm going to do that too, thank you. Don’t know why I didn’t think of it, probably a guy thing.
I don't think I will ever get over the loss of my parents. Because of the severity of my seizure disorder I lived with my parents all my life. Both the parents 34 years, my mom 66 years. Not like your situation of course, but we were very close. The pain, anguish, and sorrow and all is something I don't think I'll ever get over but I know my parents would want me to go on to live as happy and independent life as possible. For me, pictures and knowing what my parents wanted for me helps me live a more positive life.
When I am sad I think of this poem,

To Those I Love

If I should ever leave you whom I love

To go along the Silent Way, grieve not,

Nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you there.

(I'd come-I'd come, could I but find a way
But would not tears and grief be barriers?)

And when you hear a song or see a bird I loved,

please do not let the thought of me be sad...

For I am loving you just as I always have...

You were so good to me

There are so many things I wanted still to do so many things to say to you...

Remember that I did not fear-

It was just leaving you that was so hard to face...

We cannot see Beyond...

But this I know.

I loved you so 'twas heaven here with you

~Isla Paschal Richardson

Blessings,
Jake

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In some ways your poem was lovely but it brought me a lot of tears - and not good ones. I cry most of the time. In the morning when I get up and he is not there I cry. At night when I get ready for bed I cry because he is not there. When I am held up by a train crossing the tracks I cry because he got a kick out of counting the cars. When I accidentally wonder through an aisle in the grocery store where I bought special things for him I cry. Tears are my whole world now.

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@thisismarilynb

I do have pictures. There was another lady who said she and her new husband destroyed the pictures of their former spouses. My grief is lasting much longer than usual but for different reasons. We were married for a long time. I am quite old but still have my brain power. I don't have other diseases and may live many more years, but I don't want to. When I say that everyone jumps to the conclusion that I have said I am going to commit suicide. I wonder why that is? Nothing is further from my mind. I don't want to live longer because there is now nothing to look forward to. We travelled a lot and came back from our last cruise in March, 2020. You know what happened right after that. We had another cruise booked and I had to cancel it. Now there will be no more cruises which we both loved and enjoyed. Now there will be no more anything. I have a vase by his picture and keep flowers in it. Sometimes it makes me smile, but more often than not I cry because of all I have lost. So far no peace and comfort. Today was an especially bad day for me. I hope that tomorrow will be better and I can at least get the will to leave the house for an hour.

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@thisismarilynb Please understand there is no timeline for grief. Each person has their own journey in this. Perhaps finding something you can do for others might ease some of your sadness. Reading a book out loud to someone who cannot see well enough? Doing some minor shopping for someone who cannot get out very much? Take some flowers to a neighbor "just because". Start with something small, not something you make a verbal commitment ahead of time, not expected, just spur-of-the-moment to bring a smile to you inside. Do you think you might be interested in trying this?
Ginger

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@gingerw

@thisismarilynb Please understand there is no timeline for grief. Each person has their own journey in this. Perhaps finding something you can do for others might ease some of your sadness. Reading a book out loud to someone who cannot see well enough? Doing some minor shopping for someone who cannot get out very much? Take some flowers to a neighbor "just because". Start with something small, not something you make a verbal commitment ahead of time, not expected, just spur-of-the-moment to bring a smile to you inside. Do you think you might be interested in trying this?
Ginger

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I am not able to do these things. I have PTSD due to an abusive mother. I am working with a therapist now to get her out of my head. But at this stage I am only capable of going out by myself for necessities such as groceries, bank, etc.

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@olderdiva12345

As a post script: I know I will see my love when I join him in Heaven and that make me happy.

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I’d like to believe that too - it keeps me going when life gets way too lonely.

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@thisismarilynb

In some ways your poem was lovely but it brought me a lot of tears - and not good ones. I cry most of the time. In the morning when I get up and he is not there I cry. At night when I get ready for bed I cry because he is not there. When I am held up by a train crossing the tracks I cry because he got a kick out of counting the cars. When I accidentally wonder through an aisle in the grocery store where I bought special things for him I cry. Tears are my whole world now.

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You’re not the only one. I cry every day and tears fill my eyes triggered by so many things. Hope you find peace and happiness.

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@mlenney167

You’re not the only one. I cry every day and tears fill my eyes triggered by so many things. Hope you find peace and happiness.

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You also.

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..oh just happened on this thread tonight... feel the same way about photos. I left my family in UK to come to Canada when I was 18 in 1962 and still here... ill for quite a few years and although had made trips back with my own children and Mum and Dad visited here, thoughts of them and my leaving and my brother, now passed, to take care of them is my most unhappy thought and I was unable to attend any of the funerals. Looking through my photos makes me happy and sad... of course most when someont took our photo they would order us to "say cheese" so we would smile, therefore most of th ephotos people and fam. smiling, except for ones of my Mother a few over about a 10 yr period and from a jolly chubby person to one I do not recognize, thin, bent over, not knowing where is she or who she is: these pics kill me! And, I do not want to end up in a "Home" and the same fate. Two things struck me reading your post above and I feel like an intruder even giving my views but, for me... I would never set up a photo of someone's relative who had died... unless I was asked to. Also, especially a photo of him on a bed - and I am wondering if even a photo of when he was well , with you, would be any easier on your emotions (happier times)? Just my humble opinion and to me photos are so much more than the paper they are printed on . Bless you and take care, J.

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She thought she was doing something kind. I am so sorry! This would have broken me down as well. Those who have not experienced such trauma really have no clue.

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