"You're not the only one dealing with issues!"

in reply to @rxw1853 I commend you for what you are doing for your spouse. I am a caregiver for my elderly friend/neighbor who has advanced dementia, and I also suffer from a rather obscure liver disorder. I understand how difficult it can be to respond to friends or family members who may want more of your time. Sometimes I drop a card in the mail to people I want to remain in touch with, or I send them a text message to let them know I am thinking about them. We are all imperfect. I am sorry if you feel you have failed (my words) to keep up with everyone in your life. It is hard enough to be a caregiver, and then try to manage other relationships that are important to you.
My life has changed drastically not only because of my disease, but also because of the loss of a dear friendship I had with the woman to whom I am now a caregiver. I never had the foresight to think that I would assume the role of "parent" to this friend who I love dearly. If not for me, I know she would be dead by now because I see her every day, prepare her meals, ensure she takes her medication, and things of that nature. Now I have been in touch with Adult Protective Services because I believe that one of her "friends" is taking financial advantage of her via her bank account, and trying to explain this to my friend has been a disaster at best.
When discussing any personal issues with people, I generally filter out anything that I think would be "too much information." Sometimes people are just plain "nosy" and really have no compassion or empathy toward you/me. I know who these people are and try to avoid interactions with them.
Last week a friend came over to sit with me during a video visit with one of my clinicians, and after the visit she said to me: "Fran, you look like a Holocaust victim, and you need to eat more." Naturally, I was upset about the comment and later told her. I can only control so many things.
Regarding whether or not to be honest with those in your life who want your attention, I have always believed that honesty is the best policy. You strike me as someone with great character, and if your friends cannot handle the "bad" news, so be it. I had to learn the hard way, as usual, that there are many in my life who only want to hear the "good" stuff while remaining mum about the reality of my existence. I say to you, keep doing what you are doing the best you can. Perhaps one of your friends could step in and help you, because caregiving, especially for a loved one, is difficult at best. My sister's husband, age 73, has advanced dementia, and many of her relationships have changed just as yours. Her friends understand why she is not as "available" as she once was, and she does her best to remain in contact with them, probably more infrequently as she would like.
Best of luck. You are doing a great job.

Maybe my comments were a little harsh. I pretty much see black and white, no grey. Through the years I have discovered most people ask about you so they can tell you about themselves, not actually what is about you. I live where if you want it done you do it yourself. I know that at some point we will have to move to get adequate help. That means 250 to 400 miles not just across town.

in reply to @ranch I get it. I too have had the experience of people asking me how I am doing, but then the conversation quickly turns to them. I agree that if you want something done, you have to take the bull by the reins and do it yourself. I am very self sufficient, selfless and give so much of myself that it does become exhausting at times. Humanity is lacking in our society, right along with compassion and empathy towards others who may not have either the skillset, mindset or whatever to live a richer life, meaning a life where they are kind to their fellow humans.
I have had people stop me and say, "Why have you lost so much weight, You look like a Holocaust victim, you need to eat organic food, blah blah." These people do not care about me and I am fine with that, because I know where they need to be, and that is behind my back. It took me a lot of courage to tell some of these people to just "stop." Many of these people proclaim to be Christians, who wear their Christianity like a badge. I am not a believer, but I understand many take comfort in their religion, and that too is okay. However, I abhor it when people do not "walk their talk." Or rather, they think they are walking their talk.
I have committed myself to only invite those people into my life who are mentally stable, truly compassionate and have a strong sense of character, assuming they know what this means. Of course, I had to learn the hard way, being kind to the wrong people.
I am sorry about your situation and also that you have to move in an effort to get the help you need. And even then, you may have a hard time getting exactly what you need/want.
I cannot and will not offer advice because only you know what is best for yourself and whomever you care about. I can only say, that even though I do not know you, I am very sorry that you have been dealt the wrong hand, presently. I will not tell you to buckle up, but I will tell you that you strike me as someone akin to myself and that is the reason I posted my comment. The fact that you posted something is very telling, and I hope that today is a better day for you. At this stage of our lives all we have left sometimes is gratitude, but even then, life can feel like crap. Keep up the good work.

Probably one difference in us is that I am a devout Christian. Other than that we understand each other very well. Persons who want to talk about themselves I usually ask if I get equal time and they get mad and leave me alone.
Yes there are a few who will talk with you and listen. A very few will try to help. I try not to abuse them.

in reply to @ranch Interestingly enough, the "friend" who sat with me during my recent video visit with my doctor and who told me that I look like a Holocaust victim proclaims to be a devout Christian, Jesus is her opiate, as he is for many. If one finds comfort in their religion, I think that is great.

You took a leap of faith by writing the comment that sparked my attention and response. It takes courage to post things on this site, as we are all so vulnerable and sometimes sharing one's experience, no matter what it is, can provide some kind of "relief." Kind of like, "handing it over to someone else."

I came home last night after taking care of my 84 year old friend and had the biggest meltdown I have had in a long time. No doubt the iron infusion I had yesterday had an effect on me, because I had broken out in a terrible rash. Try explaining this to someone with advanced dementia, and the only thing they can say is, "I am sorry." I am as patient as a saint, but admittedly when I got home last night, I said to myself, "I cannot do this anymore." I cannot continue to be the number one person in her life, while others sit back and watch in judgment and think I am the one who is too involved with her day to day affairs. Of course, I am involved! If not for me she would fall, starve to death or worse, rot away like a piece of garbage. I love her, yes this is a given. However, I am angry that I am the ONLY person who sees her on a daily basis, ensures she is safe, her cat is fed, has clean clothes and clean bedding. My God, I had to ask her "housekeeper" to please change her bed and take the sheets home to wash because I cannot and will not use a public laundry room, especially when my friend lets her laundry basket overflow to the point where I have to call a laundry service to come and pick the stuff up. Her "housekeeper" is her former partner and now friend, for reasons not known to anyone, because the woman cleaned her out years ago to the point where my friend had to file bankruptcy and say to her, "I cannot afford you anymore." This person is the very person now being investigated by Adult Protective Services, a good thing. I was so hesitant to get involved with the County because I thought doing so would be devastating to my friend. However, she has no clue why they came out, and that is a good thing. I find great relief knowing that I am not alone with my suspicions, as the bank is also on board. In fact, when her friend took her to the bank this past week, the ATM machine would not give her any cash. They had to go back the next day so that my friend could be issued a new debit card. I imagine that the bank also wanted to get a look at the woman who is suspected of taking money from my friend. Sadly, I know how this will play out. The County will ask my friend if she gave this woman money, and she will answer affirmingly. She will also say that it is okay that her friend took money out of her wallet. I make it a rule to always tell her when she has given me money because she never remembers doing so. I bring groceries to her, and she says, "oh let me pay you, honey." I say, "you already did." "I did?" "Yes." You get the idea.

I would like to go to my sister's house next month for a week for a break, and to also visit my brother in law while he still knows who I am. I know that no one will come over to check on my friend, other than to drop off an already cooked chicken like was done the last time I saw my sister. I have to learn to let go of the worry and distress this relationship is causing me. I am no use to anyone else unless I am kinder to myself. Yes, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt when I do not see her everyday. However, earlier I did text her friend that I was not well and could not go over to my friend's apartment today. There is food I prepared last night in her refrigerator. The cat box needs to be cleaned etc. It is going to be 106F here today, and I just want to relax and breathe a sigh of relief, which I do not think is asking for too much, presently.

After the meltdown last night, I went online and submitted many compliments to those at Sutter Medical Foundation who have been kind to me, and that made me feel a whole lot better. My kindness is my opiate, and I think it is a pretty darn good one.

Thank you for reading this.

I think reading comments in this discussion reinforced my statement. We have to remember we all have burdens to bear. No one will be given more than they can handle. Every now and then it gets very heavy

@frances007 Let me commend you for being such a good friend, even when it hurts! There is a saying “to the world, you are 1 person, but to 1 person, you are the world.” To your friend, YOU are the world. But now, the world is getting to be too much to handle safely. You need some time for you. And time to take the trip to see your sister. First off, you need to prepare for your trip. Explore the city and county resources for care assistance. Check with your county’s Agency on Aging and check with the state’s division on aging services. See if you can talk with someone. Explain your dilemma and ask where you can get some help. Would your friend benefit from moving to assisted living? Are there any family members who might help? Since you have already been in touch with Adult Protective Services, tell them your whole story and maybe they can help.
I think you are a marvelous friend who has gone above and beyond. Now it’s time to focus on you before you crash.
Can you maybe try some of these suggestions?

in reply to @becsbuddy Yes, I can contact Adult Protective Services and discuss the situation with them. I have just learned that they have contacted my friend's POA, good. The problem with getting someone else to step in, is that my friend will not allow any strangers into her apartment. Assisted living is out of the question, even for a short period of time. Yesterday I asked the woman who took her to the hair salon to make sure that "Joyce" had remembered that I had prepared dinner the night before and that there was food in her refrigerator to eat, that the cat box needed to be cleaned etc. Her friend did not respond to me, naturally, and her friend simply dropped "Joyce" off after the appointment.
I will see "Joyce" tonight as she called me several times yesterday asking if I would be coming over, which I did not last night. I stayed home, made bread dough which I just took out of the oven, so that I can give it to my sister who is coming over tomorrow. I had a fine day and evening, doing many things that pleased me. For the first time I did not feel guilty, because I really was having a tough day after the iron infusion on Friday. To be expected, and I will have one more next week.
I finally realized that I have little control over this awful situation, and if I am not good to myself, I am useless to all. I suppose we all wish at some point we could wave a magic wand over those who suffer with dementia, but instead we have to face it head on, not an easy thing to do when dealing with loved ones. I am looking at a quote on my wall: "How sad and bad and mad it was- but then, how it was sweet." Robert Browning. "Joyce" despite her dementia is like a sweet child, and while this has been the most difficult thing I have had to face with her, I know that I am doing my best to ensure she remains "sweet" and I owe it to her to ensure she is protected. I keep thinking about something my mother said before she died, "there are no guarantees in life." So true. The very very best I can feel right now is that I have gratitude and I do not take anything, such as life, for granted. I am grateful that I have the ability to watch over "Joyce" and do my best in all ways before I cannot. Thank you for reading this.