Dementia: When the other parent (spouse) isn't helpful

Hello, @buggirl55 This is a difficult situation and I wish I had some solid, tried-and-true advice, but I don't. In my case, I found it impossible to convince someone to help with caregiving who simply didn't want to -- and these family members were far, far younger than 86. It could be that the demands of care are beyond your dad's capability, especially as he tries to process what it is that is happening to his wife. Just a thought but denial can be a powerful force and ignoring the needs, calls, etc. of his spouse might be an outcome of that.

Perhaps you've already considered this but it might be time to adjust the hours of your caregivers and/or look into a facility for your mom.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

@buggirl55 What a difficult situation! It may be that your father if depressed and grieving and cannot help. By ignoring her , he is, in a sense, protecting himself from reality. I think @IndianaScott ’s idea of looking for nursing home placement before either one falls or gets seriously hurt, is a good idea.
You’ve done so much this far, and you know that your Mom wouldn’t want you to be at risk with not sleeping and driving long distances.
Will you think about this and get back to me?

@becsbuddy i would truly consider a full time facility but my father is very much against it. He said after 4 weeks that this is working well. I honestly do not believe we are far from her going. she has declined in the past 2 weeks but is still eating and drinking. I am doing everything I possibly can. She cannot leave her bed at this point. He has accepted her going but honestly he wants her to go fast. So hard for him to just watch her die a slow confusing death. I am so grateful to have found this support group. It has really opened my eyes to the disease and how this impacts so many people.

@buggirl55, this must be so hard for everyone. Clearly you cannot last on 2 hours sleep and caring for 2 households of people and pets while working fulltime.

You mention a caregiver. Do you have a caregiver who comes in to help with medical care? Do you find that your father's behavior upsets or confuses your mom?

@colleenyoung. I have a caregiver 2 hours 3 mornings a week. Hospice side 30 min 2 a week and 1 nurse visit 30 min a week.

I think his behavior at times confuses or upsets her but she is just either talking randomly or upset lately.

Your situation is so sad, and scary!! Please don't try to keep functioning on such little sleep--because you could end up having a health breakdown!! And then there's no one able to take care of anyone!!
I agree with the idea your father at 86 may be so overwhelmed himself by what's going on he can't do more than he currently is. It's so tough he is not up to meeting the challenges you all face.
For assistance/advice on where to find help/support, I recommend calling the Senior Linkage Line, the Alzheimer's Association (even if that's not the diagnosis, they should be able to offer other resources to guide you) or Council on Aging. Your doctor should be able to guide you. Or if you know a social worker they may be able to assist you.
Take five deep breaths, hang on!! Try to be as calm as you can be, with both your parents, as they may be more calm and helpful simply being in a better space.

@ann16 thank you. Yes deep breaths all day long. Lol. I pray a lot for patience and understanding. Haha. It is needed. I’m grateful for this site for support

At 86 and the stress of seeing his wife unable to be the wife he knew has to be taking a toll on him. I don’t think it’s fair to think that he isn’t doing things. He is stressed possibly more than you realize. Sounds like you need extra help in home. I wish you well. Jane

I know this is a post from last year, but this is hitting the nail on the head regarding my 86 year old mother who is suffering from early onset of dementia and thyroid medication issues, etc.… In and out of the hospital only And almost lost her a couple of times due to her, not taking her blood pressure and thyroid medication and because of a UTI twice. I’m the one that’s making the call To get a Get an ambulance out to their house or I have actually driven for hours to get there and take her myself. Her significant other is 92 years old and he has wiped his hands clean. They’ve been together for 44 years never married but living in their house for almost 20 years but he refuses to make any phone calls to EMS, the doctor or the hospital or home Health Care that is set up Which almost resulted in her dying twice. I’m so glad I have read the comments on this article because I do have information Regarding hospice care week and I already have Home Healthcare set up and a skilled nurse coming once a wk and have asked just ask them to get it approved to come three times a week plus she has a physical therapist That comes once a Twice a week. We are going to the neurologist today to see what stage of dementia she’s in and if there’s something they can give her to help her mind a little more clear. I guess at this point everything I’m doing is the best I can do… I do not live in the same city. I’m 4 to 4 1/2 hours away. But I’ve been coming here about every 3 to 4 weeks and I also help on weekends take care of my grandchildren. So I guess I’m not alone when it comes to this matter… I’m so happy to see that others have had to deal with this and I’m taking some of their information into consideration. Thank you for making this post and thank you to all the ones that have commented.

@deb6858mom Wow, you’ve got a lot on your hands! Your mom’s 92 yr old partner may be just as confused and upset by all that is happening around him. Making such a phone call is probably beyond him. I made a call to 911 several weeks ago and it was nerve wracking! They talk to fast and ask lots of questions and i could barely hear them. And I’m not 92!
Have you given any thought to having your mom in a memory care unit? Maybe the partner’s family could work with you so they could both go to a safe place. Is that somethng you could think about?