How about a laugh, (hopefully)

SPERM COUNTING

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get his sperm counted.The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar. She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened.
And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."
Jake

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

A married man is shopping in a mall for a christmas present for
his wife because he had forgotten to buy it until the day
arrived.
He walks into a pet store to get a unique and unusual
present for his wife. He looks through the categories of
animals, but can’t find anything, so he asks an assistant if
there is anything unique in the store because he needs to find
something quick.
The assistant thinks for awhile then says,”yes,
we have a parrot that can sing christmas carols.” The man
becomes ecstatic about this and asks the assistant to show him
the parrot.
As he is shown the parrot, the assistant tells him
that the parrot’s name is Chet and the parrot will only sing if
you warm up his feet with a match. So the assistant pulls out a
match and lights it, he then puts it under the parrots foot.
This causes the parrot to sing “Jingle bells”, and the man say,”
Wow, i’ve never seen anything like this.” The man then asks if
the parrot can sing anything else. The assistant puts the match
under Chet’s left foot. Chet then sings “silent night”. The man
is amazed and buys Chet.
He takes Chet home and shows his wife
everything that it can do, and she’s amazed. The wife asks what
would happen if they put the match between Chet’s legs. He
replies,” I don’t know, lets try it.” Without saying more they
light a match and put it between Chet’s legs. Then Chet clears
his throat and starts singing, Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

@loribmt

Oh you are funny! Wish I had read that one on Christmas Day so I could read it out loud to family.

FL Mary…loving the boot, sweater and jacket weather

@imallears
Go visit Lori in Wisconsin and you'll get over “loving the boot, sweater and jacket weather” mighty quickly. Even here in sunny California where I live it’s 39° currently which in my opinion is brutal.
Jake