Spouse with cognitive problems and finances

Hi @billchitwood Julie. Scott here. Sounds like yesterday was indeed a tougher one than most!

I know each patient and their journey is unique, but here is what I did with my wife. First, I continually told myself it was her disease talking and not her. This at least helped me manage some of the disappointments during our "conversations". Second I found myself using a tremendous amount of noncommittal responses to my wife's ideas, suggestions, desires, etc. I can' tell you how many times I would respond "that's interesting, honey". I also found myself stopping my attempts at trying to reason with her as reason and logic were no longer in her repertoire. I also had to give up trying to help her remember since that ability was also unavailable to her.

Again, not for everybody, but I kept an old feather pillow on our sofa, which became my late-night place to muffle my crying and that I could also punch to relieve my frustrations on the really bad days.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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We sold and then closed on our home this past Monday and are now with our daughter. Just before the move Bill fell in the bathroom - took over a half hour to manage to get him on his feet. This afternoon he refused to use the walk in shower and used the one in the tub - needless to say, he fell trying to get out of the tub. He has conceded that he will use the walk in from now on. At least he has agreed as of the moment. Will take a lot of adjusting. Daughter Robin is doing a fantastic job of making him feel comfortable (she went through it with her husband and he had his bladder removed due to cancer - which they regretted as it didn't really extend his life but made the rest of it an agony). Fortunately, once again, no broken bones or gashes. Not even any scrapes like last time.

As of Monday it will be two weeks since we closed on our home and moved in with our daughter.
Just before the move Bill fell in the bathroom and it took forever to get him back on his feet. Then he was to use Robin's walk in shower but before we realized what he was doing there was a terrible crashing sound - he had decided to use the tub shower and had taken a fall. Fortunately both times he only suffered scrapes and bruises. He is using his walker more now.

Since Robin now sees him more than a few minutes at a time she has noticed that I was right - his words are slurring and some of his conversation is hard to figure out. Plus some of his blogs are becoming difficult to follow. And he has become more paranoid and sure the family is conspiring against him (this was true even before we moved).

And bedtime has now become 6 or 6:30pm and he is hurt when I don't join him in going to bed at that time. He is also sleeping in later and still napping during the daytime.

One good thing, Robin installed Hulu on his computer so he can watch his movies and sports. While the computer is difficult for him to use it is easier than the TV remote. We are hoping to get his hearing aids paired to the computer so it will stream directly into his ears. Not quite sure how to do it or what is needed. At least that way the neighbors wouldn't have to listen to his movies!

He is also worried about me spending money as he wants the kids to get it all. I have always done the finances, taxes, etc. but always kept him informed. Now I try not to mention anything financial as it sets him off. He also was checking out cars the other day - wanted our car license (which I told him I would have to get later). He shouldn't ever get behind the wheel again although he thinks he can drive as well as ever.

I have been keeping a diary for the doctor - and keeping the kids updated. Like Robin, they only see him when he is on 'showtime'. Which is getting harder for him to maintain.

Thank heavens for Mayo Connect people. Bless you all.

@billchitwood Julie, it has been such a roller-coaster for you recently, hasn't it?

How good to hear that your daughter Robin can now also see what you have been noticing, and she can support you more in your quest to have your husband lead the best life he can for now. And it sounds like his life is changing rapidly, which can cause anger, sadness, and grief for everyone involved, as you are finding out.

What are you doing to keep yourself relaxed, and healthy? What has made you smile today?
Ginger

Ginger, you just made me smile!

Robin had both feet operated on last Friday and has to stay off them for a week. So I am moving Bill's walker between the two of them. Yesterday she was bored so she knelt on the seat while I pushed her around and Bill cheered us on and took a picture. Fortunately his walker is really easy to move around.

Robin also ordered him some shower wipes that she had used for her husband Tom when he was afraid to shower any more. Bill was pleased with that and is looking forward to them. Since his two recent shower falls he is really leery of showering - and he has a problem getting to the bathroom in time. Finally has decided to utilize his depends. Thank heavens!

Good morning, @billchitwood

Your post made me smile! I am so pleased to read the move seems to have gone as well as can be hoped for! Such an upheaval for all, especially Bill .

On the issue of pairing of his hearing aids to his computer, I use earbuds with my laptop. I find they pair super simply, have wonderful sound, and in my case, I can use just the one in my hearing ear.

I imagine you have thought of this, but I think I bought out our local hardware store of those old-school non-slip sticky shower stickers. My wife would catch her toes on a mat, so I went with those. I picked a bunch of patterns and then used two brightly colored flowers to indicate the best place for her feet. Later on, she had me add two for me when I had to help her in the shower. She'd warn me not to come any closer 🙂 Not for everyone, but it helped us for the duration of her ability to shower.

We have two steps down from our house to the driveway. When I installed a wheelchair ramp she got mad, until I made a sign (still on our door) calling it "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" from the old Disney ride. You are SO right -- humor can often help!

I really understand your comment about not mentioning things. There came to be many issues I'd totally avoid and asked our kids to avoid with my wife. One was the change to daylight savings time, one was holidays, and if there was rain in the forecast. Ahhh, with my wife, at times, ignorance was certainly bliss (or at least a bit less anxiety).

Driving for us was a huge issue. It was a serious point of contention at a certain time with me and our children. Again, not for everyone, but the only way we could convenience my wife she had to give up the car keys for good was when she took an electronic drivers test. (Her's was done at Mayo in Rochester during one of her regular visits.) The results were undeniable! They showed her she would be unsafe at any speed on the roads. The loss of each different shred of independence is always so difficult, challenging, and terribly sad.

How are you adjusting to the move? Hopefully well!

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Daughter Robin went through the same thing with her husband Tom. Last night she suggested that she used shower washes for him - you use one instead of the shower. Tom was afraid to get in the shower and the home nurses introduced them. Worked really well. So ordered some for Bill. If he is up to it will use the walk in shower. His problem is he gets so weak trying to shower that his blood pressure drops alarming low and he almost passes out. Since he has bladder control issues as well, his not showering is not a good thing!

Will see how the new system works.

I have begun using shower wipes and one brand in particular because I am prone to get UTI’s. I also take cranberry and probiotic supplements. It’s been awhile now since starting these helpers and so far, it’s all good!

Bill fell again - 3 time in less than a month. This time Robin (who just had foot surgery) nor I could get him up and he couldn't get himself up. He kept insisting we pull him up and we couldn't so he would get mad at us. Called 911 and it took 3 physically fit, big guys, to get him on his feet. Then they caught him as he started to fall again. He protested them helping him to bed but fortunately they ignored him and one on each side got him into bed.

At which point, after they left, he started singing to himself. He is asleep now. Robin was reluctant to call 911 as he wasn't injured other than a couple of small scrapes and bruises. She was afraid of taking them away from someone who needed help in a critical situation. We kept trying to get through to the police non-emergency help line but weren't able to (call went in 'push #' in a constant circle.) They would have sent a patrol car to help him up if we could have reached them.

Both Bill and Robin never want to ask for help. I'm a lot more likely too. I think I'm right lol.