Spouse with cognitive problems and finances

Posted by Julie Chitwood @billchitwood, Feb 25, 2022

Bill uses a computer everyday, and has nothing but problems with it. He blames his Dell and I'm pretty sure it is the user lol. He has decided to buy another one (second in a year) and going to very suspect sites. If he does get a new one it won't 'work' for him either! Once again he asked me for our address.

He still has enough memory to think he knows what he is doing. I've had to get us out of quite a few scams that he has fallen for (keeps buying hearing aids while having an excellent pair). I don't know how to protect our finances from him - at least not without major battles. So far in the past year he has bought two computers. One I could give our math teacher daughter for her school (non returnable). The other is his Dell. He also has a working Lenovo, which he says is bad - besides having a crack from his throwing it, it does work ok.

He wants to buy every ad he sees on TV - especially supplements that his doctor says are bad for him. I hid the credit card but some sites we use are auto pay and in spite of everything he remembers how to access those.

Any suggestions?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

@billchitwood

Yesterday was a hard day. Getting ready for the move. I commented to Bill about the A/C guy and agent being there earlier and he couldn't remember anyone in the house - even when I explained who they were and that he had talked to them - no clue. Then later he announced that since I didn't love him he was going to move in with his son in Utah (who has indicated that he can't take care of his Dad). The reason I don't love him, according to him, is that I didn't stay next to him all day and talk to him. Actually I was near him most of the time. Moving does require work however. His 'you don't love me' is coming up on almost a daily basis. He has also started talking in his sleep most nights now. Oh, and he said that when he is outside lately he hears people talking about his sister being sick (she died years ago). He had me go outside to listen. I did hear a couple of birds so guessing that is what he heard.

I have no idea of how to reassure him. It only works for a short while.

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Hi @billchitwood Julie. Scott here. Sounds like yesterday was indeed a tougher one than most!

I know each patient and their journey is unique, but here is what I did with my wife. First, I continually told myself it was her disease talking and not her. This at least helped me manage some of the disappointments during our "conversations". Second I found myself using a tremendous amount of noncommittal responses to my wife's ideas, suggestions, desires, etc. I can' tell you how many times I would respond "that's interesting, honey". I also found myself stopping my attempts at trying to reason with her as reason and logic were no longer in her repertoire. I also had to give up trying to help her remember since that ability was also unavailable to her.

Again, not for everybody, but I kept an old feather pillow on our sofa, which became my late-night place to muffle my crying and that I could also punch to relieve my frustrations on the really bad days.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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@janet7

I also have joined a free program:

admin@alzconnected.org

For patients and caregivers for those with Alzheimer’s/Dementia

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Hi @janet7 and @janetlux89, I see you made two accounts. I can merge them into one for you. If you are having issues with signing in or having any questions about using the site, please send me an email using this form: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/contact-a-community-moderator/

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@billchitwood

We are putting our home on the market and plan on moving in with our daughter. Bill wants to sell (that isn't the problem) but he doesn't want to live with anyone other than me. He keeps saying he only has a short time left (has CKD stage 3) - but buying another home and then needing to make another change doesn't make sense. He wants me to live with daughter if he goes before me - and if I go first he would live with her rather than go into a nursing home. Robin's husband had major dementia problems so is well aware of what she is facing (which I hate putting her through again). As it is I have to do everything for both house and yard - spent the weekend tree trimming - we have a large yard area and an HOA that demands perfection. Trying to keep finances afloat!

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We sold and then closed on our home this past Monday and are now with our daughter. Just before the move Bill fell in the bathroom - took over a half hour to manage to get him on his feet. This afternoon he refused to use the walk in shower and used the one in the tub - needless to say, he fell trying to get out of the tub. He has conceded that he will use the walk in from now on. At least he has agreed as of the moment. Will take a lot of adjusting. Daughter Robin is doing a fantastic job of making him feel comfortable (she went through it with her husband and he had his bladder removed due to cancer - which they regretted as it didn't really extend his life but made the rest of it an agony). Fortunately, once again, no broken bones or gashes. Not even any scrapes like last time.

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As of Monday it will be two weeks since we closed on our home and moved in with our daughter.
Just before the move Bill fell in the bathroom and it took forever to get him back on his feet. Then he was to use Robin's walk in shower but before we realized what he was doing there was a terrible crashing sound - he had decided to use the tub shower and had taken a fall. Fortunately both times he only suffered scrapes and bruises. He is using his walker more now.

Since Robin now sees him more than a few minutes at a time she has noticed that I was right - his words are slurring and some of his conversation is hard to figure out. Plus some of his blogs are becoming difficult to follow. And he has become more paranoid and sure the family is conspiring against him (this was true even before we moved).

And bedtime has now become 6 or 6:30pm and he is hurt when I don't join him in going to bed at that time. He is also sleeping in later and still napping during the daytime.

One good thing, Robin installed Hulu on his computer so he can watch his movies and sports. While the computer is difficult for him to use it is easier than the TV remote. We are hoping to get his hearing aids paired to the computer so it will stream directly into his ears. Not quite sure how to do it or what is needed. At least that way the neighbors wouldn't have to listen to his movies!

He is also worried about me spending money as he wants the kids to get it all. I have always done the finances, taxes, etc. but always kept him informed. Now I try not to mention anything financial as it sets him off. He also was checking out cars the other day - wanted our car license (which I told him I would have to get later). He shouldn't ever get behind the wheel again although he thinks he can drive as well as ever.

I have been keeping a diary for the doctor - and keeping the kids updated. Like Robin, they only see him when he is on 'showtime'. Which is getting harder for him to maintain.

Thank heavens for Mayo Connect people. Bless you all.

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@billchitwood

As of Monday it will be two weeks since we closed on our home and moved in with our daughter.
Just before the move Bill fell in the bathroom and it took forever to get him back on his feet. Then he was to use Robin's walk in shower but before we realized what he was doing there was a terrible crashing sound - he had decided to use the tub shower and had taken a fall. Fortunately both times he only suffered scrapes and bruises. He is using his walker more now.

Since Robin now sees him more than a few minutes at a time she has noticed that I was right - his words are slurring and some of his conversation is hard to figure out. Plus some of his blogs are becoming difficult to follow. And he has become more paranoid and sure the family is conspiring against him (this was true even before we moved).

And bedtime has now become 6 or 6:30pm and he is hurt when I don't join him in going to bed at that time. He is also sleeping in later and still napping during the daytime.

One good thing, Robin installed Hulu on his computer so he can watch his movies and sports. While the computer is difficult for him to use it is easier than the TV remote. We are hoping to get his hearing aids paired to the computer so it will stream directly into his ears. Not quite sure how to do it or what is needed. At least that way the neighbors wouldn't have to listen to his movies!

He is also worried about me spending money as he wants the kids to get it all. I have always done the finances, taxes, etc. but always kept him informed. Now I try not to mention anything financial as it sets him off. He also was checking out cars the other day - wanted our car license (which I told him I would have to get later). He shouldn't ever get behind the wheel again although he thinks he can drive as well as ever.

I have been keeping a diary for the doctor - and keeping the kids updated. Like Robin, they only see him when he is on 'showtime'. Which is getting harder for him to maintain.

Thank heavens for Mayo Connect people. Bless you all.

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@billchitwood Julie, it has been such a roller-coaster for you recently, hasn't it?

How good to hear that your daughter Robin can now also see what you have been noticing, and she can support you more in your quest to have your husband lead the best life he can for now. And it sounds like his life is changing rapidly, which can cause anger, sadness, and grief for everyone involved, as you are finding out.

What are you doing to keep yourself relaxed, and healthy? What has made you smile today?
Ginger

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@gingerw

@billchitwood Julie, it has been such a roller-coaster for you recently, hasn't it?

How good to hear that your daughter Robin can now also see what you have been noticing, and she can support you more in your quest to have your husband lead the best life he can for now. And it sounds like his life is changing rapidly, which can cause anger, sadness, and grief for everyone involved, as you are finding out.

What are you doing to keep yourself relaxed, and healthy? What has made you smile today?
Ginger

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Ginger, you just made me smile!

Robin had both feet operated on last Friday and has to stay off them for a week. So I am moving Bill's walker between the two of them. Yesterday she was bored so she knelt on the seat while I pushed her around and Bill cheered us on and took a picture. Fortunately his walker is really easy to move around.

Robin also ordered him some shower wipes that she had used for her husband Tom when he was afraid to shower any more. Bill was pleased with that and is looking forward to them. Since his two recent shower falls he is really leery of showering - and he has a problem getting to the bathroom in time. Finally has decided to utilize his depends. Thank heavens!

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@billchitwood

Ginger, you just made me smile!

Robin had both feet operated on last Friday and has to stay off them for a week. So I am moving Bill's walker between the two of them. Yesterday she was bored so she knelt on the seat while I pushed her around and Bill cheered us on and took a picture. Fortunately his walker is really easy to move around.

Robin also ordered him some shower wipes that she had used for her husband Tom when he was afraid to shower any more. Bill was pleased with that and is looking forward to them. Since his two recent shower falls he is really leery of showering - and he has a problem getting to the bathroom in time. Finally has decided to utilize his depends. Thank heavens!

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Good morning, @billchitwood

Your post made me smile! I am so pleased to read the move seems to have gone as well as can be hoped for! Such an upheaval for all, especially Bill .

On the issue of pairing of his hearing aids to his computer, I use earbuds with my laptop. I find they pair super simply, have wonderful sound, and in my case, I can use just the one in my hearing ear.

I imagine you have thought of this, but I think I bought out our local hardware store of those old-school non-slip sticky shower stickers. My wife would catch her toes on a mat, so I went with those. I picked a bunch of patterns and then used two brightly colored flowers to indicate the best place for her feet. Later on, she had me add two for me when I had to help her in the shower. She'd warn me not to come any closer 🙂 Not for everyone, but it helped us for the duration of her ability to shower.

We have two steps down from our house to the driveway. When I installed a wheelchair ramp she got mad, until I made a sign (still on our door) calling it "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" from the old Disney ride. You are SO right -- humor can often help!

I really understand your comment about not mentioning things. There came to be many issues I'd totally avoid and asked our kids to avoid with my wife. One was the change to daylight savings time, one was holidays, and if there was rain in the forecast. Ahhh, with my wife, at times, ignorance was certainly bliss (or at least a bit less anxiety).

Driving for us was a huge issue. It was a serious point of contention at a certain time with me and our children. Again, not for everyone, but the only way we could convenience my wife she had to give up the car keys for good was when she took an electronic drivers test. (Her's was done at Mayo in Rochester during one of her regular visits.) The results were undeniable! They showed her she would be unsafe at any speed on the roads. The loss of each different shred of independence is always so difficult, challenging, and terribly sad.

How are you adjusting to the move? Hopefully well!

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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@IndianaScott

Good morning, @billchitwood

Your post made me smile! I am so pleased to read the move seems to have gone as well as can be hoped for! Such an upheaval for all, especially Bill .

On the issue of pairing of his hearing aids to his computer, I use earbuds with my laptop. I find they pair super simply, have wonderful sound, and in my case, I can use just the one in my hearing ear.

I imagine you have thought of this, but I think I bought out our local hardware store of those old-school non-slip sticky shower stickers. My wife would catch her toes on a mat, so I went with those. I picked a bunch of patterns and then used two brightly colored flowers to indicate the best place for her feet. Later on, she had me add two for me when I had to help her in the shower. She'd warn me not to come any closer 🙂 Not for everyone, but it helped us for the duration of her ability to shower.

We have two steps down from our house to the driveway. When I installed a wheelchair ramp she got mad, until I made a sign (still on our door) calling it "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" from the old Disney ride. You are SO right -- humor can often help!

I really understand your comment about not mentioning things. There came to be many issues I'd totally avoid and asked our kids to avoid with my wife. One was the change to daylight savings time, one was holidays, and if there was rain in the forecast. Ahhh, with my wife, at times, ignorance was certainly bliss (or at least a bit less anxiety).

Driving for us was a huge issue. It was a serious point of contention at a certain time with me and our children. Again, not for everyone, but the only way we could convenience my wife she had to give up the car keys for good was when she took an electronic drivers test. (Her's was done at Mayo in Rochester during one of her regular visits.) The results were undeniable! They showed her she would be unsafe at any speed on the roads. The loss of each different shred of independence is always so difficult, challenging, and terribly sad.

How are you adjusting to the move? Hopefully well!

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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Daughter Robin went through the same thing with her husband Tom. Last night she suggested that she used shower washes for him - you use one instead of the shower. Tom was afraid to get in the shower and the home nurses introduced them. Worked really well. So ordered some for Bill. If he is up to it will use the walk in shower. His problem is he gets so weak trying to shower that his blood pressure drops alarming low and he almost passes out. Since he has bladder control issues as well, his not showering is not a good thing!

Will see how the new system works.

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I have begun using shower wipes and one brand in particular because I am prone to get UTI’s. I also take cranberry and probiotic supplements. It’s been awhile now since starting these helpers and so far, it’s all good!

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@IndianaScott

Hi, @billchitwood Your post reminded me again of something with my wife. When it was a very special occasion, she could muster the energy to make it that day. However, the anxiety leading up to it and the exhaustion for the three days following were incredibly tough on her. Our favorite holiday was Thanksgiving and at first, she could make it the day, then half, then an hour, but always surprised me with her ability to make some hidden energy to do it. Not so for Christmas or other days.

With her phone, I did program speed dial for the few numbers she used most, like our kids, my cell, and her best friend. It helped stop the misdials and she could remember I was 1, daughter was 2, etc.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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Bill fell again - 3 time in less than a month. This time Robin (who just had foot surgery) nor I could get him up and he couldn't get himself up. He kept insisting we pull him up and we couldn't so he would get mad at us. Called 911 and it took 3 physically fit, big guys, to get him on his feet. Then they caught him as he started to fall again. He protested them helping him to bed but fortunately they ignored him and one on each side got him into bed.

At which point, after they left, he started singing to himself. He is asleep now. Robin was reluctant to call 911 as he wasn't injured other than a couple of small scrapes and bruises. She was afraid of taking them away from someone who needed help in a critical situation. We kept trying to get through to the police non-emergency help line but weren't able to (call went in 'push #' in a constant circle.) They would have sent a patrol car to help him up if we could have reached them.

Both Bill and Robin never want to ask for help. I'm a lot more likely too. I think I'm right lol.

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