Parenting a Teen with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

@woohoo I do not have any familiarity with fas, nor have I been around people who suffer with this. But I am familiar with depression. Fifteen is an awkward age without any issues, add in these factors, and it becomes a challenge for everyone. If this is her first year at a new high school, students can be such bullies. Perhaps there was an incident that has turned her away from that location? The person who told you about her anger and sadness being connected may really be on to something. Expressing love and support from you and your husband, letting her know she has a safe place with you, and you will do anything to help, will go a long way, I believe.
Ginger

Thank you

@woohoo First of all you are doing the best you can - do not beat yourself up for a situation you did not create. You are doing all the right things. Our third and our tenth adopted children ( a boy and a girl) started having serious mental health and behavioral issues during their teen years. My husband and I had always wanted to help the children who were becoming “unadoptable” due to their older age. We never figured on all the “baggage” that they had that we could not “fix.” Ours were international adoptions. We did 6 and have 4 bio children. I think part of it comes down to identity issues plus genetics. A dear friend recommended the book, “ Walking on Eggshells.” I have read it more than once, and here is my takeaway- I am not the worse mom on the planet! These children often make you feel that way. Their personalities did not develop normally due to early nurturing ( lack thereof) and other issues like FAS etc. etc.. will add a host of other dilemmas for them and for you. Family, teachers, counselors, therapists will all have plenty of input- some good, some not. You are the one living it! If you are married you and your husband have to be on the same page. That is key. These children can sometimes bring out the worst in you. I think down deep they do not feel worthy of being loved so they sabotage everything!! I was mother of the year twice, but that did not prevent a DCF referral when #10 child started threatening me and people at school. She attempted suicide more than once. One of our adopted children used to tell me “she is all drama mom and wouldn’t actually do it” - that it was all for attention, but I certainly didn’t want that hanging on me!! I tried everything. Therapists told me she had RAD, bipolar, and borderline personality disorder. The impact of her on everyone in our family was great. I continually questioned my mothering, my parenting - my reason for being. I was wiped too! There was literally nothing left of me. But I am still here! She is 22 now and still struggling but doing better. She won’t take any meds which I know would help her, but once a child reaches 18 there is little you can do as a parent - which is beyond frustrating. You will make it through this, and you are so not alone! The good God loans us our children for a brief moment in time, but ultimately they belong to Him. I always found that sentence, “They belong to God” ( from “The Prophet”) very comforting. I am sorry you are going through this. Remember— You are not alone! Take care of yourself, and if you have to go outside in the middle of the night and scream - it’s ok! @irene5

I realize this is a year after you posted it, but my husband and I adopted 2 unrelated kids from Russia in 2004. They were 25 months and 8.5 months when they were adopted. Our daughter was sneaky, already learned some orphanage ways of hiding & sneaking. She had CAS, FAS, LD, CI, EI and a boatload of other stuff. Inside her body. She was 15 pounds & 27” tall at adoption. Our endocrinologist said if there were a 5th or 6th degree of hypotrophy, she would be there. She was like a tiny pixie who could run, climb, skip, do the monkey bars on the small park—more tiny size equipment. She could climb anything with only her fingers. She went into kindergarten at 21 pounds & 33”. The principal looked at her with her tiny backpack & told us, He thought his 4 month old boy was bigger than Gabby! She made quite an impression on the gym teacher that year. He brought down the ropes. They went in alphabetical order. Gabby, with the last name of Smith was close to the end. Everyone else had struggled to make it even to the halfway point. Gabby went to the top & started to swing for the light covers.. the teacher panicked & just screamed for the principal. The school secretary found him & said something happened with one of the kids and the ropes. Thinking someone miissed the mats, he called 911. Gabby got the entire school, plus police & fire from our city seeing her acrobatics, twisting the rope around herself, holding on lower, she untwirled to the excitement of all. Then she zipped right back to the top.. They finally bribed her down with a lunchroom cookie! I told her teacher on day one, Gabby will climb to the top of the swing set & go across the bar & down the other side. I told the teacher to tell her to come down & no more climbing. The teacher said it was the first time it ever actually happened in all her years (5) of teaching.

Our son was also prenatally exposed to alcohol but it didn’t start showing till middle school. He has zero executive function. He’s small, for a boy whose parents were said to be 1.68 m (5’7”) and 1.9 m (6’ 2”), exactly our heights… hmmm Anyway Duncan is 5’5.5” tall now. Gabby is 4’11”.Duncan is 18 now & Gabby is 19.5 now. I’m fully versed in my own kids FAS journies. I can help others learn or give ideas.

If anyone is in the metro Detroit area, MCFARES.org has a Project SAFE meeting once every Wednesday night from 6-8, potluck & parent support. We have another one where there’s a gym for the kids. Second Saturday of every month, 5:30-8:30, also potluck. Parent support & kids play. I’m looking for any & all foster/adopt families with FAS/FASD kids.. there are the same 3 families with the same 5 kids & all are young adults. I’d love to get younger families in, so we can help. ❤️