What IS the point? Adult kids don't seem to care.

@junkartist It's hard when perceptions are what are causing an estrangement. I have relatives who are finally trying to communicate - mother and son - and understand where each is coming from.

I doubt there are many parents who haven't at some point done something they regret but hopefully as the children age, if they remember an incident such as that, they can weigh it against all of the good and caring moments.

I hope in time you will be able to resume a relationship with your estranged son. I think eventually he may regret that tremendously if he does not try to reach an agreement.
JK

@marye2 I'm sorry that one of your sons is so distant, I can imagine how difficult that must be. I think you are probably right in realizing that you should not be the one putting all of the efforts in though. I really thought that once my daughter was through college and didn't "need" us anymore we might have very little contact with her but thankfully as she has aged she has grown closer and closer.

I know someone though who continually sets himself up for disappointment with his son and daughter. They very rarely contact him, they really don't even know or seem to care what is going on in his life Yet he still continues to try. His son and daughter are not young, they are in their late 50s so by now should know better. It's sad when adult children are such ingrates. With one of the above-mentioned adult children I know she imagines slights but they are in her mind only, they never actually happened. I think she has resentments based on delusions. Is it possible that your son sees something in his past that he perceives incorrectly? I know that can be a stretch, but I do know that can happen.
JK

@junkartist It's hard when perceptions are what are causing an estrangement. I have relatives who are finally trying to communicate - mother and son - and understand where each is coming from.

I doubt there are many parents who haven't at some point done something they regret but hopefully as the children age, if they remember an incident such as that, they can weigh it against all of the good and caring moments.

I hope in time you will be able to resume a relationship with your estranged son. I think eventually he may regret that tremendously if he does not try to reach an agreement.
JK

@marye2 I'm sorry that one of your sons is so distant, I can imagine how difficult that must be. I think you are probably right in realizing that you should not be the one putting all of the efforts in though. I really thought that once my daughter was through college and didn't "need" us anymore we might have very little contact with her but thankfully as she has aged she has grown closer and closer.

I know someone though who continually sets himself up for disappointment with his son and daughter. They very rarely contact him, they really don't even know or seem to care what is going on in his life Yet he still continues to try. His son and daughter are not young, they are in their late 50s so by now should know better. It's sad when adult children are such ingrates. With one of the above-mentioned adult children I know she imagines slights but they are in her mind only, they never actually happened. I think she has resentments based on delusions. Is it possible that your son sees something in his past that he perceives incorrectly? I know that can be a stretch, but I do know that can happen.
JK

My children have accused me of doing negative things upon reading a book about emotional neglect. I know that I did my best, but this weighs on me. I remember many times that I took action or issued directions without talking them through the problem. It's hard to remember the positive things, such as standing up for them against grandparents, teachers; driving them to their activities; organizing activities with their classes, having them live with us as adults, paying for lessons and more. None of this weighs against emotional neglect. The children have partners, good careers, aren't into drugs or alcohol, one has financial challenges, two have houses. I never hit them or berated them. but now one Hasn't talked to me in more than two years. The oldest attacks me verbally and unfortunately, I have reacted with anger and denial. The youngest approached my husband and I with understanding and opened a conversation that was hard, but healing. I am trying to get past the hopelessness of it all and the pain. This is too long. Thanks for listening to me.

In 1996 I was getting divorced and diagnosed with Lupus. After trying to find jobs without success in teaching, I decided to move from Houston to Arizona. The kids, by then teenagers, chose not to come with me. Their dad, I believe, didn't bolster their relationship with me and stopped holiday visits. I was working a low wage job, and for many years didn't have resources to bring them out, but thought I kept contact. Guess not as well as I thought I did. Also suspect parental alienation.

@marye2 It's terrible when a parent tries to alienate their children from the other parent. The children along with the other parent all lose in that situation.

I know people with issues with their ex-spouse but who have tried to never say anything negative about them. Their issues should not become issues for the children to deal with.

@saundrella People are very resistant to thinking they may be in the wrong and to suggest their perceptions are inaccurate is to them probably insulting. If your son does talk to a counselor that's a step in the right direction. Many would not consider that.
JK

I have gone through this for years, including some caution on comments, needs, etc when my sons got married. I kept hoping that more connection would happen as they aged toward their 40s. Didn't happen; we went to weddings and reception, never in the pictures or spoken to. On it went, and then I started reading about Parental Alienation and, more accurately, Rules of Estrangement (Joshua Coleman). Finally realized I do not need to carry the load of the relationship; did give notice and stopped sending Christmas and birthday mail. This was a relief; after all I have been putting in thought, time shopping, and money to buy and mail items only to hear nothing. It has made those days so much better for me! The thing is to remain open and thank them for any phone calls they make to connect; kind of a thing of gratitude rather than keeping up expectations. I am still very, very sad that in older age I cannot expect more familily time and connections. I keep saying I gave my kids wings but I didn't expect them to fly so far away! I may never see my 42 year old again, but I do get to talk often with the younger son. And that has to be enough.

What is it about the eldest child in families?!!

Am I just imagining it or are most disappointing experiences with the eldest for some reason? Your comments make a lot of sense, logically. But there was one thing I read that stuck out to me, "I am still very, very sad that in older age I cannot expect more family time and connections." I don't know how old you are. I am 73 and my eldest is 42 years old. I can't tell you how many times I have been in tears thinking about the lack of relationship I have with my son. He has many years left in his life; I don't w/ PBC so "time was of the essence" for me. I've since decided to let that thought go. When I did, it lifted a weight off of me.

At least my son has openly told us he is angry and wants to go for counseling but it never seems to happen. (A lot of looking and no finding) You have to do whatever you are convinced is best for you but, for me, I have to continue being who I am. I love my son and have told him, time and again, we will always love him, no matter what. I do not intend to change my core values because he has changed. Whatever he chooses to do is on him, not me!

As far as gift-giving goes, we don't go shopping due to Covid; we simply purchase a gift card at his favorite restaurant or health food store. He hasn't come home for 4 years so we continue to go to his. We've helped him paint and clean his girlfriend's new home. This Christmas, I made a special dish that his gramma used to make, a Finnish favorite, Pannu Kakua. My husband (from India) made him some samosas with mint dip and delivered them hot. Very special :o) My son seemed to appreciate both but had nothing to give in return so reached into his cupboard and handed us a single packet of Biscoff cookies that come in a larger packet of 4 single packets. He knows we have these cookies every day with hot tea. So, good choice!

We go to him because he won't come to us. That's the bottom line. Do I love my son? Yes, as much as ever. I have always told my kids we will always love them, no matter what. That's who we are. He's trying very hard to change that but it's not going to happen. I've gone from withdrawing, emotionally, back to doing what I would normally do for him and, I must say, the more I am able to be myself, the better I feel about him in relationship to myself. I don't have an agenda to make him change. He may never change. But my husband and I have decided to savor whatever we have that's good, focussing on what we do have instead of what we don't have. We are creating more good memories rather than bad ones. Maybe we are fools for doing this but not doing anything is worse...much worse. If we didn't do what we do, I would end up right back where I was, feeling sad all the time. When I was sad all the time, my son was on my mind all the time, I cried easily talking about him and I wasn't sleeping. During that time, I tried very hard to put myself in his place and understand better why he feels the way he does. Your circumstances may be a whole lot different than mine. I'm just saying this is what works best for our situation with our son.

He recently got a puppy and needed someone to take care of it while out of town on business. That puppy is probably the closest thing we will ever have to a grandchild. I keep asking for pictures of the puppy, and that little Golden Doodle is proving to be another memorable "tie" between us. We take whatever we can get and give whatever comes naturally. Of course, there are things we would do differently, in retrospect, but there are also things my son remains angry about (simply doesn't understand our perspective) that we would have to choose to do again, given the chance. I feel if we ever do get into counseling, love is so strong, after all the kindness and care we've continued to demonstrate toward him, an environment is being created in which we all will be more open to understanding each other's different perspectives and accept each other the way we are. Maybe :o) Ya never know.

I believe anger is a natural emotion indicating something is wrong, somewhere, and unless put to constructive use, it will accomplish no good thing either in myself or anyone else. Anger and resentment/disappointment shrivels my heart, set up resistance in myself as well as in the person I am angry with. These negative emotions make me feel empty whereas unconditional love expands my heart and mind and strengthens me from within.

Feel free to disagree.

P.S. I just remembered a saying: "A son is a son until he's married and gone. A daughter is a daughter her whole life long."

Saundra

My son knows he is loved. I am not angry, bargaining, etc. but I have accepted it as it is. If he should invite me for a visit, I would accept, but it will be hard to go. About the same ages as you, and not traveling well.