1. < Loss & Grief

My life turned from great to awful and back to good

Posted by tmmmrlts @tmmmrlts, Mar 1, 2020

My name is Melissa and I was a caregiver for my husband until he passed away 6/14/19. Since he passed, I was a mess for the first few months. I was just mad at the world and I wrecked my car and that made me feel like crap, it was one of the 2 cars that he had put together. I was always trying to do stuff to stay away from people.

Then a switch happened i started going to grief meetings,and started going to church, got saved and baptized I started back to school to get my diploma, I graduate in May. My children thought I wasn't grieving. But now they are proud of me for doing what I always encouraged them to do.

I will always love and miss my husband. But when you realize you have to do what is best for you. Then you can start a different life and make it better for yourself. It's not easy but if I can do it so can you.Thank you to all the wonderful people on here for keeping me strong. I graduate May 29th 2020 from the mers goodwill excel center.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Dec 4, 2021
In reply to @tmmmrlts "I know I haven't posted in a while, this is my third holidays without my husband...." + (show)
@tmmmrlts

I know I haven't posted in a while, this is my third holidays without my husband. Since I last posted I have finished 3 semesters in college and I had to take a break, I got put in the hospital when I was throwing up blood and when they went down my throat to fix it I threw up and it went in my lungs, so I was in there 18 days. I have been told i need a liver transplant and that i have G.A.V.E. disease or watermelon stomach. Since then I have been blessed with 2 more grandsons. And enjoying every day God gives me. I am also starting back to college to finish my general education degree. And then on to bigger and better things.

Jump to this post

@tmmmrlts Thank you for the news! You are such a bright spot in this world today! And 2 more grandsons-what a gift! Becky

REPLY
jugar | @jugar | Dec 5, 2021

Good morning. It's been several months since I've posted - though I've kept a watch on the writings. I first wrote when I was in throes of caregiving for my husband, who was in end-stage liver disease (cirrhosis). Truly the most difficult thing I've done and the caring and understanding words that were sent my way got me through some very difficult days... truly a God send.
Your writing caught my eye ... as I am less than three months into grieving process. My husband passed on 09/19/21. As I look back, our journey to his death was brief... four months. Our marriage, over the course of 20 years, had taken the backseat to the alcoholism, so I thought I had 'already' grieved. Unexpectedly, I have many difficult days since his death. I miss the man I married and love; I miss the life I wanted and prayed for. I don't miss the battle of addiction.
I recognize our marriage was not 'normal' - as the addiction creates a very different and necessary means of survival. That said, for years, I have felt like I have been on the outside looking in. Despite living it, even I had a hard time believing what my life and marriage had become. In May 2021, when the Cirrhosis took it's vicious and complete hold over my husband and the days toward death were calendared, I truly felt like a pawn in the game of life. Each hour in emergency or day in ICU, I prayed and thankfully allowed God to give me the power of survival. When I brought my husband home to die, it was surreal. The Lord gave me the strength so we could have our final three days together at home - where my husband wanted to be. It was the only thing I could do for my husband and my final gift. As I write this I cry and recognize I would do it all again in a heartbeat for the man I loved.
Today, as I put one foot in front of the other, it is a journey in creating my new life. I know I am on path to living again, but here is a lot of healing, learning and growth in getting there. I cry a lot, I pray even more. I'm not afraid, but I am cautious. I cannot go through another season of life dictated by addiction.
I appreciated your sharing and hearing your words of success. Thank you as I needed a positive and reassurance there is a light at the end of this difficult path. Sometimes it feels like it's not out there! Part of the path of healing is allowing the flood of emotions and honoring them; I also believe part of the path is now allowing this to turn into self-pity and isolation. Yesterday I needed alone time; today I feel stronger and will venture out. That is the world of grief; and it is all good.
The human spirit has amazing strength. The power of support and sharing is incredible. God provides in ways we cannot imagine or expect. Thank you to all of you on this site as your words continue to provide incredible encouragement.

REPLY
3 replies
tasher3433 | @tasher3433 | Dec 5, 2021
In reply to @jugar "Good morning. It's been several months since I've posted - though I've kept a watch on..." + (show)
@jugar

Good morning. It's been several months since I've posted - though I've kept a watch on the writings. I first wrote when I was in throes of caregiving for my husband, who was in end-stage liver disease (cirrhosis). Truly the most difficult thing I've done and the caring and understanding words that were sent my way got me through some very difficult days... truly a God send.
Your writing caught my eye ... as I am less than three months into grieving process. My husband passed on 09/19/21. As I look back, our journey to his death was brief... four months. Our marriage, over the course of 20 years, had taken the backseat to the alcoholism, so I thought I had 'already' grieved. Unexpectedly, I have many difficult days since his death. I miss the man I married and love; I miss the life I wanted and prayed for. I don't miss the battle of addiction.
I recognize our marriage was not 'normal' - as the addiction creates a very different and necessary means of survival. That said, for years, I have felt like I have been on the outside looking in. Despite living it, even I had a hard time believing what my life and marriage had become. In May 2021, when the Cirrhosis took it's vicious and complete hold over my husband and the days toward death were calendared, I truly felt like a pawn in the game of life. Each hour in emergency or day in ICU, I prayed and thankfully allowed God to give me the power of survival. When I brought my husband home to die, it was surreal. The Lord gave me the strength so we could have our final three days together at home - where my husband wanted to be. It was the only thing I could do for my husband and my final gift. As I write this I cry and recognize I would do it all again in a heartbeat for the man I loved.
Today, as I put one foot in front of the other, it is a journey in creating my new life. I know I am on path to living again, but here is a lot of healing, learning and growth in getting there. I cry a lot, I pray even more. I'm not afraid, but I am cautious. I cannot go through another season of life dictated by addiction.
I appreciated your sharing and hearing your words of success. Thank you as I needed a positive and reassurance there is a light at the end of this difficult path. Sometimes it feels like it's not out there! Part of the path of healing is allowing the flood of emotions and honoring them; I also believe part of the path is now allowing this to turn into self-pity and isolation. Yesterday I needed alone time; today I feel stronger and will venture out. That is the world of grief; and it is all good.
The human spirit has amazing strength. The power of support and sharing is incredible. God provides in ways we cannot imagine or expect. Thank you to all of you on this site as your words continue to provide incredible encouragement.

Jump to this post

Hello. I hope I may quote your insight: Part of the path of healing is allowing the flood of emotions and honoring them. It struck such a chord in me, I cannot let it go. Thank you.
Your journey is continuing; I so admire your positivity and know it will lead you to inspire others. You inspire ME!

REPLY
Mentor
Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Dec 5, 2021
In reply to @jugar "Good morning. It's been several months since I've posted - though I've kept a watch on..." + (show)
@jugar

Good morning. It's been several months since I've posted - though I've kept a watch on the writings. I first wrote when I was in throes of caregiving for my husband, who was in end-stage liver disease (cirrhosis). Truly the most difficult thing I've done and the caring and understanding words that were sent my way got me through some very difficult days... truly a God send.
Your writing caught my eye ... as I am less than three months into grieving process. My husband passed on 09/19/21. As I look back, our journey to his death was brief... four months. Our marriage, over the course of 20 years, had taken the backseat to the alcoholism, so I thought I had 'already' grieved. Unexpectedly, I have many difficult days since his death. I miss the man I married and love; I miss the life I wanted and prayed for. I don't miss the battle of addiction.
I recognize our marriage was not 'normal' - as the addiction creates a very different and necessary means of survival. That said, for years, I have felt like I have been on the outside looking in. Despite living it, even I had a hard time believing what my life and marriage had become. In May 2021, when the Cirrhosis took it's vicious and complete hold over my husband and the days toward death were calendared, I truly felt like a pawn in the game of life. Each hour in emergency or day in ICU, I prayed and thankfully allowed God to give me the power of survival. When I brought my husband home to die, it was surreal. The Lord gave me the strength so we could have our final three days together at home - where my husband wanted to be. It was the only thing I could do for my husband and my final gift. As I write this I cry and recognize I would do it all again in a heartbeat for the man I loved.
Today, as I put one foot in front of the other, it is a journey in creating my new life. I know I am on path to living again, but here is a lot of healing, learning and growth in getting there. I cry a lot, I pray even more. I'm not afraid, but I am cautious. I cannot go through another season of life dictated by addiction.
I appreciated your sharing and hearing your words of success. Thank you as I needed a positive and reassurance there is a light at the end of this difficult path. Sometimes it feels like it's not out there! Part of the path of healing is allowing the flood of emotions and honoring them; I also believe part of the path is now allowing this to turn into self-pity and isolation. Yesterday I needed alone time; today I feel stronger and will venture out. That is the world of grief; and it is all good.
The human spirit has amazing strength. The power of support and sharing is incredible. God provides in ways we cannot imagine or expect. Thank you to all of you on this site as your words continue to provide incredible encouragement.

Jump to this post

@jugar Your posting today resounds with so may of us here, that I know. Thank you for showing us your strength, and the journey you are on right now. Another way we members share what is going on with us, and there are untold numbers of readers who do not post or have even signed up to become members, but they are nodding their heads in understanding.

What are you doing for yourself these days? What are the unexpected hard days you have found, and the unexpected joyful days that you have come acorss?

Here is a conversation thread under Connect's Loss and Grief group that you might find some thoughts, and your insight would probably be welcome: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/death-of-husband/?commentsorder=chronological#chv4-comment-stream-header

Also if you are not writing down what is going on with you, you might find that journaling or art therapy is a good place to go to when you want an extra tool in your toolbox to help you: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/journaling-the-write-stuff-for-you/?pg=1

Thank you for your words of wisdom-through-experience!
Ginger

REPLY
Mentor
Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Dec 5, 2021
In reply to @jugar "Good morning. It's been several months since I've posted - though I've kept a watch on..." + (show)
@jugar

Good morning. It's been several months since I've posted - though I've kept a watch on the writings. I first wrote when I was in throes of caregiving for my husband, who was in end-stage liver disease (cirrhosis). Truly the most difficult thing I've done and the caring and understanding words that were sent my way got me through some very difficult days... truly a God send.
Your writing caught my eye ... as I am less than three months into grieving process. My husband passed on 09/19/21. As I look back, our journey to his death was brief... four months. Our marriage, over the course of 20 years, had taken the backseat to the alcoholism, so I thought I had 'already' grieved. Unexpectedly, I have many difficult days since his death. I miss the man I married and love; I miss the life I wanted and prayed for. I don't miss the battle of addiction.
I recognize our marriage was not 'normal' - as the addiction creates a very different and necessary means of survival. That said, for years, I have felt like I have been on the outside looking in. Despite living it, even I had a hard time believing what my life and marriage had become. In May 2021, when the Cirrhosis took it's vicious and complete hold over my husband and the days toward death were calendared, I truly felt like a pawn in the game of life. Each hour in emergency or day in ICU, I prayed and thankfully allowed God to give me the power of survival. When I brought my husband home to die, it was surreal. The Lord gave me the strength so we could have our final three days together at home - where my husband wanted to be. It was the only thing I could do for my husband and my final gift. As I write this I cry and recognize I would do it all again in a heartbeat for the man I loved.
Today, as I put one foot in front of the other, it is a journey in creating my new life. I know I am on path to living again, but here is a lot of healing, learning and growth in getting there. I cry a lot, I pray even more. I'm not afraid, but I am cautious. I cannot go through another season of life dictated by addiction.
I appreciated your sharing and hearing your words of success. Thank you as I needed a positive and reassurance there is a light at the end of this difficult path. Sometimes it feels like it's not out there! Part of the path of healing is allowing the flood of emotions and honoring them; I also believe part of the path is now allowing this to turn into self-pity and isolation. Yesterday I needed alone time; today I feel stronger and will venture out. That is the world of grief; and it is all good.
The human spirit has amazing strength. The power of support and sharing is incredible. God provides in ways we cannot imagine or expect. Thank you to all of you on this site as your words continue to provide incredible encouragement.

Jump to this post

Thank you for your moving post. A few days ago I participated in a remembrance with our Winter family for our numerous special friends whose lives we were unable to celebrate over the past 20 months.
I was unprepared for the waves of emotion I witnessed, even among usually 'tough guys as we were finally able to remember, grieve and celebrate together.
Two of my best friends are in your stage of needing the mix of alone time and then people time. I appreciate your insight.
Wishing you eventual peace and acceptance.
Sue

REPLY
Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Dec 7, 2021
In reply to @tmmmrlts "I know I haven't posted in a while, this is my third holidays without my husband...." + (show)
@tmmmrlts

I know I haven't posted in a while, this is my third holidays without my husband. Since I last posted I have finished 3 semesters in college and I had to take a break, I got put in the hospital when I was throwing up blood and when they went down my throat to fix it I threw up and it went in my lungs, so I was in there 18 days. I have been told i need a liver transplant and that i have G.A.V.E. disease or watermelon stomach. Since then I have been blessed with 2 more grandsons. And enjoying every day God gives me. I am also starting back to college to finish my general education degree. And then on to bigger and better things.

Jump to this post

Welcome back, tmmmrits. Good to hear from you. I’m sorry to hear about your new diagnosis of gastric antral vascular ectasia (GAVE) and that you will need a liver transplant. You may wish to join the discussions in the Transplants support group here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/transplants/

REPLY
1 reply
dougmcd | @dougmcd | Dec 10, 2021

Hello All
My wife Of 40 years, Peggy passed away from gall bladder cancer 51 days ago eight months after being diagnosed. She was a strong loving women and devoted mother and partner.
Currently I have started meeting with a grief counselor. I am numd and have no drive to do anything.
It's the holidays and grandchildren's first birthday which was Peggys dream come true. We do our best make it special but she is missing in a big way.
I am not sure where this all will take me but I have changed and cannot return to my old life as I lived it.
Any suggestions are welcome. I know it's all so fresh.
Take Care
Doug

REPLY
3 replies
cstaryos | @cstaryos | Dec 11, 2021
In reply to @dougmcd "Hello All My wife Of 40 years, Peggy passed away from gall bladder cancer 51 days..." + (show)
@dougmcd

Hello All
My wife Of 40 years, Peggy passed away from gall bladder cancer 51 days ago eight months after being diagnosed. She was a strong loving women and devoted mother and partner.
Currently I have started meeting with a grief counselor. I am numd and have no drive to do anything.
It's the holidays and grandchildren's first birthday which was Peggys dream come true. We do our best make it special but she is missing in a big way.
I am not sure where this all will take me but I have changed and cannot return to my old life as I lived it.
Any suggestions are welcome. I know it's all so fresh.
Take Care
Doug

Jump to this post

Hi Doug,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to lose a family member. December brings the sadness of shorter daylight and the holidays always bring a new level of grief.

Your grandchild is so fortunate to have you in their life to tell them stories about their beloved grandmother. Is this the year to start an album of pictures and memories to share with them every December?
🌲🌲🎄❤️🎄🌲🌲

REPLY
opheli | @opheli | Dec 11, 2021
In reply to @dougmcd "Hello All My wife Of 40 years, Peggy passed away from gall bladder cancer 51 days..." + (show)
@dougmcd

Hello All
My wife Of 40 years, Peggy passed away from gall bladder cancer 51 days ago eight months after being diagnosed. She was a strong loving women and devoted mother and partner.
Currently I have started meeting with a grief counselor. I am numd and have no drive to do anything.
It's the holidays and grandchildren's first birthday which was Peggys dream come true. We do our best make it special but she is missing in a big way.
I am not sure where this all will take me but I have changed and cannot return to my old life as I lived it.
Any suggestions are welcome. I know it's all so fresh.
Take Care
Doug

Jump to this post

Hello, Doug,
I am very sorry for your loss. My sister passed away two and a half years ago from gall bladder cancer, about 7 mos after her diagnosis, so very similar to your wife. It was a devastating loss to all of us. Her husband is like a brother to me, he is 10 years older, and I was young when they married 50 years ago this past fall.
While I can’t speak for him, I know that he felt numb and lost. One thing that he did almost immediately, was join a morning coffee group at his local Starbucks. I think he literally went up there and began talking to the local morning coffee group and they invited him to join them, which has become a daily routine for him. He also joined a couple grief groups, and still meets with one of them for an occasional dinner. My sister was a librarian, and she always bought their grandkids books for the holidays. Our own grandson was turning one that first Christmas after her passing, and my BIL added him to the list, and bought him a book to keep up the tradition, which he continues to do.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but I saw your post and the similarities jumped out at me. My BIL, his two daughters, and their families are close to my heart. I wish you comfort at this very difficult time.

REPLY
Mentor
Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Dec 11, 2021
In reply to @dougmcd "Hello All My wife Of 40 years, Peggy passed away from gall bladder cancer 51 days..." + (show)
@dougmcd

Hello All
My wife Of 40 years, Peggy passed away from gall bladder cancer 51 days ago eight months after being diagnosed. She was a strong loving women and devoted mother and partner.
Currently I have started meeting with a grief counselor. I am numd and have no drive to do anything.
It's the holidays and grandchildren's first birthday which was Peggys dream come true. We do our best make it special but she is missing in a big way.
I am not sure where this all will take me but I have changed and cannot return to my old life as I lived it.
Any suggestions are welcome. I know it's all so fresh.
Take Care
Doug

Jump to this post

@dougmcd Along with others, I am saddened for your loss. Any time of year it is hard, and perhaps made more difficult by traditional holidays and merriment that you just don't feel like participating in. Am I correct? One of the wisest things ever told to me is there is no timeline to grief, feeling sad, and feeling like you are "stuck". It seems each person has things that will work for them, and there are some good ideas here! Take your time, and hold close those memories that had you laughing, smiling in the past. Be gentle on yourself, please.

How are things going, working with a grief counselor?

This goes for the whole family, missing Peggy in this season. Starting a new tradition that will honor something she held dear to heart might just be the ticket! What might you do?
Ginger

REPLY
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.