Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

Love continues, I accepted it. The cuddling is perfect, gestures, comments and good conversation is sustaining. I seemed to have lost my desire for sex and admittedly, it is nice not having to be sure I am being submissive to sex as during earlier encounters, I’d be tired or just not feeling ‘up to it’, so there is no longer guilt. We can cuddle just to cuddle and it is greatly satisfying. I concur with the statements above.

Being Married, loving your spouse, and desiring to have a sexual relationship with them is an important part of marriage, in my opinion. Sex, making love, the power of touch is vital to physical and emotional health, and your marriage. If I were in your situation I think it would make a difference if my spouse is not able to have sex for health reasons, but still expressed love and tenderness with words, cuddling, and closeness I would try to feel fullfilled knowing they were showing me love in every way they could. If they could not have sex, therefore did not want to show me any affection I would feel rejected, unloved, unfulfilled and distant. Making Love includes a lot more than having intercourse. It is tenderness in word and touch, compassion, and a whole realm of closeness. If you and your spouse cannot talk openly and honestly about the subject, then preferably you need to find a counselor you both have confidence in to help you come to an understanding. Let me encourage you very strongly to do whatever is possible to come to a solution you are both happy with, the sooner the better.

It is definitely an issue in our marriage. My husband had stents two years ago and is on blood thinner, cholesterol medicine and blood pressure medicine. He has erectile dysfunction now and and I am sure it is some of the medication. He will not discuss it with his doctor. He says it is his age—76– and it could well be. He has stage 3 kidney disease also, but he does not take medication for this. He refuses to see a urologist, but goes to a nephrologist. He says he loves me, but he just does not have sexual feelings any longer. He avoids any contact with me saying that he does not want to start something he can’t finish. I am really feeling lonely and rejected. He goes to bed early every night and reads. His cardiologist let him try viagra, but it dropped his blood pressure lows on now we are afraid of that. I just truly thinking is some of the medication because this loss of all interest in sex happened suddenly. Does anyone else have these problems? I feel ridiculous writing about it. We have a great relationship otherwise—going out to eat, to church, shopping. I just miss the closeness we have always had.

Illness was the issue mentioned here not withholding sex.

Hello @sandpiper49 and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. You are right in that this discussion was started to support another member who is experiencing a sexless marriage as a result of illness.

Is this a topic that you can empathize with?

I understand what you’re saying. You are willing to live with his debilitating health issues but you don’t want to be pushed away or be in a loveless marriage. You are hurt and feel rejected from him distancing himself from you.

Men put to much stock on their lower head and can become very cold and indifferent when they cannot perform. When there’s no touching, cuddling and communication the marriage is built on a few minutes of pleasure and that is sadness especially when aging and sickness comes.

My husband always told me love must get past the bedroom. Aging train will not stop and sickness impacts the old and young. We’ve been married 32 years and dated beforehand 8 throughout our college years.

He was my first lover and I am from the old school thinking when he deflowered me he married me so I say we been married 40 years.

As we have aged we both have seen differences in our sex life. We joke about it and accept that the desire is there but sometimes the erection isn’t or vaginal lubrication isn’t there. At those times we look into each other’s eyes and say thank you lord we love each other past the bedroom.

When the desire is there but the body doesn’t cooperate (We) get out the bed and I fix an appetizer, he put on old school music and pop open a bottle of wine and we love, live and laugh. Play bingo or watch movies.

We live by his saying over the years,“Love must get past the bedroom.” It has been an aging and sickness game changer. But our faith in God is the glue that keeps us together in everything we face as we grow old together. Bless his name!

Talk to your husband and tell him how he’s making you feel. Don’t keep that inside as stress brings about disease and you need not get sick over his rejection.

Prayed to God on y’all behalf. Blessings and hugs to you dear heart ❤️

I love your husband's comment that love must get past the bedroom. My Scottish mother used to say "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak". That seems to describe what you just said. I think it's beautiful that you can laugh at your unco-operative bodies, and have a Plan B that still maintains your closeness, and you have fun at the same time. Love did indeed get past the bedroom!