Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

Hello and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect, @annlopour. I see that @colleenyoung has recently replied to you and shared information about another group you may be interested in given your ovarian cancer.

Thank you for being open about a struggle that many are surely going through as well. Caring for yourself sexually isn't necessarily something that is taught. It sounds like you are open to learning how you can take care of yourself.

@danab has shared a response to you that you might find helpful.

Do you struggle with your own religious hang ups?

Hello @doodies and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Your parents' story is likely a familiar one for other couples. Were your parents open about their inability to have sex as part of their marriage and how that affected them?

No, sadly I never heard a word. However, after Dad died, Mom would say something now and then ... usually resentful.

Yes they should, because I am paralyzed that don’t mean I can’t meet the needs of my partner

I am paralyzed, waist down. We discussed our sexual relationship and things are good. Because a person has lost the ability for penetration doesn’t mean that sex has to go out the door. That is only a part of a sexual relationship. You can satisfy your partner. Please discuss to may sure that they are giving you their true feelings and what can be done to meet that need if any extra required.

I agree with LB. Here’s short article that distills the research and thinking on couples with differing sexual needs. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and can tell you this article -if both of you read and try - will help.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/what-to-do-when-libidos-dont-match_n_5ba00288e4b013b0977d9e25

Hello @claytonr and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I see you are an advocate for speaking to the other party to share feelings. Have you any recommendations you can provide on how to go about this with a positive outcome?

Yes, be honest with each other. Be willing to bring up the subject to each other. When under medical care the social worker brought up the issue to me ,but we, my wife and I had already talked about it. If you can’t talk to your partner bring a third party, your medical social worker or someone in the medical profession that you feel comfortable with to help you. Do allow it to cause a divid by not dealing with it. Not discussed can bring a wedge between your partner, your best friend during your physical disability.

I don't know what exactly caused my ED. It was a gradual decline, a possible side effect of some of my meds. Before Covid19 hit, I was going to have a penile implant, but it's considered an elective surgery, so I'm still waiting.

Inability to have an erection is really difficult for me, just one more thing that exacerbates my depression and anxiety. It's another guilt producer. I'm thankful that I have a good therapist whom I can talk to about anything and everything. That really does help.

Jim

Love continues, I accepted it. The cuddling is perfect, gestures, comments and good conversation is sustaining. I seemed to have lost my desire for sex and admittedly, it is nice not having to be sure I am being submissive to sex as during earlier encounters, I’d be tired or just not feeling ‘up to it’, so there is no longer guilt. We can cuddle just to cuddle and it is greatly satisfying. I concur with the statements above.