Intimacy and cancer

Posted by Iowakate @katehedderich, Feb 4, 2021

My husband and I have not been intimate since my cancer (glioblastoma) diagnosis (5 years now). At first it was due to fatigue. But now I don’t know why. I try to talk to him about it but he avoids the subject. Anyone else having this issue?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Cancer: Managing Symptoms Support Group.

kathleenweidmann | @kathleenweidmann | Feb 13, 2021

In reply to @dutchw "Hope I didn’t say anything inappropriate or offensive. I just wanted to give an honest answer..." + (show)

Not offensive. Welcomed.

miriam57 | @miriam57 | Feb 13, 2021

In reply to @kathleenweidmann "👏👏👏👏👏 We have gone through many physically life threatening conditions, extensive surgeries & recoveries together. Cancer..." + (show)

Good for you both!!!!
We use them, and it brings the touches and cuddles along with the closeness.
I just have to buildup the energy and then we go for it.

dutchw | @dutchw | Feb 13, 2021

In reply to @kathleenweidmann "👏👏👏👏👏 We have gone through many physically life threatening conditions, extensive surgeries & recoveries together. Cancer..." + (show)

That’s good news. Thank you for bringing this issue for open discussion.

Carol Kuhle | @carollku | Mar 5, 2021

In reply to @becsbuddy "@katehedderich You’ve asked a very good question that no one ever wants to ask. And doctors..." + (show)

Intimacy is an important issue in cancer survivors. Mayo Clinic has a unigue clinic-The Menopause and Women's Sexual Health Clinic (MWSHC) in Rochester, MN. We have multidisciplinary team including a sex therapist with a special focus on intimacy in cancer survivors.
We work with all types of cancers and have frequent referrals from medical, gynecological, and radiation oncology.
Carol Kuhle, D.O., MPH
Director, MWSHC 507-266-3988 for an appointment

jeffreyhoward | @jeffreyhoward | Mar 3, 2022

That is one place I am now in fear of , The intimacy. My wife starts chemo and then radiation in a couple of weeks how do I support her and at the same time give her the space that she needs ???

valentinaz | @valentinaz | Mar 4, 2022

In reply to @colleenyoung "Sex, sexuality and intimacy are all important to varying degrees for each person and/or couple. With..." + (show)

I think the suggestion to define what intimacy one would like is a good one. Culturally we've a lot of conflicting messages around sex and intimacy, and that can make it difficult, at best, to find help, or even talk about it with your partner. For a variety of reasons, my partner and I haven't had intercourse in several years, but we still kiss one another many times during the day, and we sleep naked together, and I've checked in often to see if these things are satisfying enough. They are for us, along with masturbation (which is still so taboo!). I hope @katehedderich knows that each partnership is unique, and whatever the two of you decide together what works for you is a-okay. I wish the best for both of you!

Iowakate | @katehedderich | Mar 4, 2022

In reply to @valentinaz "I think the suggestion to define what intimacy one would like is a good one. Culturally..." + (show)

Thanks.

Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Mar 4, 2022

In reply to @jeffreyhoward "That is one place I am now in fear of , The intimacy. My wife starts..." + (show)

@jeffreyhoward Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect, I am glad you found us and have posed this quandary you are in.
I hope that you will have read the response posted by @valentinaz, by now. It has some very simple truths in those words. I am an active cancer patient, going in to my 8th round of chemo.

The millstone of a cancer diagnosis, then treatments can weigh so heavily on the patient. Knowing your spouse/partner is concerned for how to offer support is a big deal, as that support can be defined in so many levels. Daily tasks, cooking up tempting meals when nothing seems appealing, being the chauffeur for errands and appointments, running interference for well-meaning family and friends when you feel like curling up on the couch. All those, to me, spell "support", and there are many more examples, no doubt. You haven't mentioned what form of cancer your wife has, and if she has communicated what she would like from you. This is a journey that you take together. Are you open to share a bit more with me, and we can help you understand your all-inportant role?
Ginger

Laurie, Volunteer Mentor | @roch | Mar 5, 2022

@jeffreyhoward,

Everyone's needs are different. Just be there for her, at the start and through her entire journey.

Sometimes the littles things will have the most impact. Her tastes will change, if she is craving something, bring it home and surprise her. My mom craved milk shakes, a friend's husband only wanted to eat French toast.

Few misc suggestions:
- As fatigue sets in, she may feel guilty about not being able to do what she did before. If your not into cleaning and can afford, hire someone.
- Treat her to pedicure or manicure. Maybe even have one yourself.
- If she is not up to activities, take her for a drive just to get out of house. While I was doing treatments seemed my life revolved around trips back and forth to clinic. Nice to do something else.

And take care of yourself. Your not going to be able to help her if your are not taking care of yourself.

Laurie